Ever since I was little..

I've been good at arguing..

not debating. I sucked at it.
not banter. I'm not witty enough.
But arguing with people.
but anyway...
I used to win 80% of the arguments i got into.
simply because I actually listen when people are talking.
I remember every detail... because I actually care about what they're saying.
(not that i'm saying everytime i talk to someone, it'll ultimately lead to an argument, just that i remember what people say so AS A RESULT i have more ammunition if i DO get into an argument)
and I always thought people listened to me too.
But I eventually realised that I was wrong.
A lot of the time, people don't give a fuck about what you're saying because they're too busy thinking about the next thing they're gonna say, or how right they are as opposed to you, or how blue the sky is, or how pretty that chick over there is, or what they're gonna have for dinner.
I don't know.
But I learnt that this gave me an edge in arguments.
Because i could repeat word for word what they had said to me. And point out the flaws and/or how I'm right in relation to what they had said. I could actually logicall tear apart their arguments.
and unless they blatantly lie, they can't deny anything.
And because they weren't listening to me in the first place... that they can't come up with a rebuttal... so they give up.

But then, I grew up a little.. and decided i didn't have to argue all the time.
...that i could just be a pacifist.
because the frustration that comes with someone who has no idea what they're talking about and argues for the sake of arguing and comes up with stupid shit and expects me to believe it (as if they think I'm an idiot) really just makes me madder.
wait, i think the worst thing is the realisation that what I'd said didn't mean and probably never meant a thing to them.
Because obviously, they didn't care or hadn't cared enough to listen.

But also, i didn't want to be the bad guy anymore. Because I was more aggressive, because I stuck up for myself, because i was never the supposed 'victim; no one ever sympathised with me... Becasue I didn't need other people to protect me, things were always my fault.

So..
my arguing skills have dimished.
I'm VERY out of practise.
or maybe I'm just too lazy to argue now.
but.. i think.
maybe i should stop trying to be a pacifist because i'm clearly not one.
And some things are worth getting angry over. And arguing over.
but then.
i guess i'd have to get used to hearing "omg why's amy so rage"
ah, how i dread it.

_