I'm such a coward.

Lately, I've been faced with the realization that I am a complete coward.
Also, I am a bit of a useless human being sometimes.
Maybe people will think I'm exaggerating but. I dont know. I don't think I am. I know what I'm like, and i don't know how to fix it.

How did i become like this?
So completely dependant on other people and how much or how little they care for me. Or how big or little my part is in someone's life. Or something. The thing is, I can't help worrying that everyone will leave me someday.
I'm scared of being feeling lonely and being alone.
So i can never sacrifice anything for another.
Or maybe i'm just greedy and i want everything. Which i know is impossible. cuz life's never like that. Maybe i've been spoilt my whole life and it's time to grow the fuck up.
I just want to be happy.
I hate being so insecure about everything.
I hate myself.
The person i am.
I hate it so so much.

So holidays began with no real excitement.
And really, that doesn't matter. I mean, it's not like worked so hard ths year that i really deserved to celebrate liberation from stress and study. Because i really didn't study much. And therefore I didn't stress.

But no, I'm not going to write about how I wasted this year. But really, I did. But anyway.

I meant to post this a lot earlier. because really. it's been holidays for a long time now. and i was wrong about the no excitement thing i suppose.

Blog-worthy things have happened.

=]

The thing is, it's so hard to write everything. I'm a bit rusty with my writing.

But whatever, i'm so happy right now. The weather is lovely. It's summer. And life should be good. and it is. kinda. *insert harrison ford lopsided smile* lol. he's so cool. but old now =( anyway. irrelevant.

There! i finally updated =p

x

I'm not making any sense.

Sometimes things, feelings, situtaions can't really be articulated.
And yet. I try.
And always, you have to wonder: do people really understand?
I hate burdening people with my feelings so I think it's better to keep to myself until i feel better.
But then. I never used to open up to other people.
And that didnt really do much for me either.
This entry already sounds selfish. I hate that. And even this thought is ironic. Because writing a blog is already a self centered action (on my part anyway) because, really, i'm putting my thoughts up online for people to read. What makes me think people care?
Anyway, that wasn't really my point.

Lately, I've been feeling crazy, or even hysterical. I can't stand myself. Or my crazy mood swings.
I'm so sorry.
I feel apologetic to everyone around me.

Sometimes i wonder if I'm just weak. I wonder if I overreact?
How can my heart wrench and my throat tighten and my eyes burn with tears so easily?
Why do i feel like shouting, screaming, crying and breaking things?
I used to be able to bear it.
But now.
Is it the breaking point?
Is it enough that every thought of the situation makes me want to throw up?
Yet.
I hate that I am so heartless. That i can say in a heartbeat that i don't really care.
wow. this doesnt really make that much sense. Each sentence kind of contradicts the previous.
But i kind of wanted to write that. Although I'm calmer than i was yesterday. Or. A few hours ago.

I want to continue. But i have to stop. My words aren't flowing and. my. thought. process. is. like. this. right. now.

high school graduation.

It's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I first saw you
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile since I could call you.....
lol
I meant, it's been awhile since i blogged. I really missed it actually and just felt like starting again really. I'm always having composing blog entries in my head, but then, never actually posting them. *sigh* i'm probably gonna end up regretting this again, tbh. but right now, i dont really care i guess.

What i really wanted to talk about was the end of year 13. High school gradutaion for class of 2009.
*sigh*
where do i fit in this?
I came to uni this year, gave up yr 13. I'm not class of 2008! but nor do i belong in the class of 2009 anymore.
It's kinda funny cuz if i drop out of uni, i'll only have the qualification of an intermediate graduate =P
Anyway, my point was that, (beacuse i'm one of these sentimental people) i really care about this stuff. and hence, i'm feeling a little pathetic.
I didn't stay at lynfield college, so i didnt go through those 5 years with everyone. It makes me a little sad to think of how the whole cass would have kind of 'grown up together' as such.
It's not that i regret going to senior. cuz i love senior and everyone at senior. but even then, i didnt graduate with everyone.
I feel like i missed out on one of the most important parts of life.
I know, I know. there's the whole "high school isnt so important in the scheme of things" argument. But still. IT IS TO ME!
yea, i know, pathetic.

this could branch off into so many other pathetic rants. But i'll spare myself.
i wish my first entry hadnt been so PATHETIC.
yea.
so time to link this blog to everyone and embarrass myself.
=]