Goodbye (kinda but not really)

I thought about this for a long time and I've decided that it's time to say goodbye to this blog.

Of course, this is not goodbye forever, pfft as if it's that easy to stop me from rambling on the internet. I'm just... Moving to a new blog.

I've been blogging since around the second half of my first year of high school (ah, good old msn spaces) and I got really really into it, making sure to update weekly about my life and my feelings, I tried to learn html to make glow fonts etc, I asked my readers about the themes and what they preferred.. haha I think at one point my entries would average about ten comments each. I was super proud of that at the time haha.
I even made a friend (sorta). She was an anonymous follower who actually went to my school and she'd always read my entries and comment and say stuff like "maybe I'll see you at school tomorrow and not even know it, but I hope I do". I slowly started blogging less and less when I neared the end of high school (I think it was cause CIE was pretty full on and I had to study all the time)
Aaannywayyyyy, I wanted to blog again after awhile so I started this blog at the end of my first year of uni... And it's been fun ^^ I know my blogging has become mostly angst or bad poetry but I still really enjoyed having somewhere to vent, and I appreciate that people still read my entries even if they were often vague and passive aggressive and pretentious.

So, well, I thought it was sort of fitting that I start a new one now, in the second half of my first year out of uni.

I know I've said a million times that I wanna start blogging properly again and have made a few other blogs in an attempt to do that, but have been (as you may have noticed) less than successful...

BUT

The past two chapters of my life have each had their own blog, and this new chapter deserves one too^^

I don't know how many people still actually read this, or just occasionally glance at it when they think of it, but I appreciate it a lot ^^ that people care even a tiny bit about my rambles and my life to read what I write. Ugh I wondered for ages which platform I should use..  Contemplated using WordPress for ages but I decided on tumblr in the end~
So here's the link to my new blog Chapter 7
Please visit ^^

Luff you guise

_

I've been wanting to blog for awhile, but I haven't be able to find the right words.
I've been so unhappy for awhile now and I kept telling myself that I would be okay, but the truth is, I'm not okay.
The other day, a friend told me that she felt like since the beginning of the year, I've been being chipped away at, that I'm not that same person anymore; that I've changed so much. And she's right.
I've become so bitter and unhappy and emotional. Tears come so easily to my eyes now. I find it hard to smile for people's successes. I'm scared of seeing people and having them ask how I'm doing. I'm always alone, always isolated and constantly close to tears. I distract myself with trivial things hoping that perhaps I can gain some relief from my unhappiness. I've come to doubt everything about myself. I have no confidence, and I feel like I've given up any hope of success.

I'm sick of feeling like I owe everyone around me an apology -
my family: for making them worry, for disappointing them, for not being the daughter they wanted, for not making them proud,
my friends: for neglecting them, for not being there for them, for not seeing them, for shutting them out of my life because of my misery
my boyfriend: for having to put up with my tears, for being an absent girlfriend, for having to leave him, for not being able to make him happy, for leaning on him too much as my only source of happiness

More than anything, I just want to be happy. I just want to live a happy life and feel blessed that I'm alive and be surrounded by people whom I love and love me back. I just want to not worry so much and to get through a few weeks without trying to force those tears back into my eyes by tilting my head back. I want to move forward, I want to work towards my future, and I'm so frustrated that I can't.

someone help me

Ranting (haven't done one of these in awhile)

Been finding it so hard to get to sleep lately.
Oh insomnia, why must you torture me like this every night? If you love company so much, why don't you just spend time with misery, he loves company too. (HAR HAR HAR AMY YOU'RE SO  HILARIOUS AND CLEVER.)
Even when I do manage to sleep, it brings me no satisfaction or comfort, and I don't feel refreshed at all when I wake up.
I hate this ><
I really wish I could use sleep as a form of escape, like I am used to doing, (since I've been rather unhappy again these past 2 weeks) but it seems my scumbag brain is refusing to let me do so.
Arrrggghhhhhhh and my body is now unable to handle allnighters >< so I can't even adjust my sleeping pattern.
Sigh.
WHY CAN'T I SLEEP
And I was even tired as hell today ><
Ahhh my eyes freaking hurt from being a little bitch and crying again (really, really gotta stop doing that)

I miss my rebellious/'cool'/wannabebadass teenage years when I was oddly emotionless at times and never seemed to be able to cry. My eyes were always oddly dry at times in which tears seemed appropriate.

Now I cry at every. Damn. Thing.

"Omg Dan and Steph on MKR are such an adorable couple" *cries*
"Omg advertising in which a child runs up to their mother" *cries*
"Omg I'm struggling with finding a job" *cries*
"Omg I miss my friends" *cries*
"Omg my boyfriend loves me" *cries*

I really need to cut it out ==
I cry too much, my eyes aren't gonna be able to take it.
WHY AM I SO WEAK?!

I think I'm a little off topic. The real question is, WHY CAN'T I FREAKING SLEEP?!
Well I guess I kinda know the answer to that question.. but still TT I want sleep. PLEAAAASE. I NEED A BUTTERFREE TO USE SLEEP POWDER ON ME.
I need to stop being so lame @.@

Sigh.

Mommy is gonna kill me if she finds out I'm still awake at this time.

Is it past witching hour yet? Can the BFG come and blow a dream into my window?

I miss having a bedside lamp! I wanna read ><

_

The universe isn't rooting for us

The universe isn't rooting for us,
but I am.

The seasons which are passing too quickly -
they aren't rooting for us,
but I am.

Summer, especially, seems to mock me,
leaving me in his dust and I lie, 

panting, on shards of longing, 

choking on flecks of memories.
I could never keep up with anyone     let alone the speed of
  the growing chill   and   greying skies;
the rising wind,  the falling leaves.
I used to think summer was rooting for all lovers,
  but now,
I realize he is only playing at Cupid when the days are long and warm -
a temporary Cupid whose blunt arrows are tipped
with weak poison.

Time isn't rooting for us,
but I am.
it seems as if every passing second laughs with delight as
he flies past us -
every minute regards me with eyes of malice, reveling in his agility
as he slips from my clumsy fingers.
The hour, like its younger brothers,
escapes with ease.
He too, shows me no sympathy.
I was a fool
  to pray that days would not end if I refused to shut my eyes.

Melancholy isn't rooting for us,
but I am.
She sits atop my chest and sinks her claws deep,
she knows the pain can stop my heart.
She mummifies me with shadows and she holds on so tight
that I cannot breathe.
She laps up my tears and sinks her teeth into my sadness.
The moment you leave me,
Melancholy feeds.

But surely,
Happiness is rooting for us,
as I am.
my smile that spreads and my heart that skips -
your voice which softens and your lips that linger.
  Surely,
these are the things that root for us.
It is intimacy that roots for us;
Your breath in my ear,
my hand in your hair,
and your lips brushing my palm when I reach out to touch your face.

I am rooting for us
and
I am not afraid of the universe.

_

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

For well you know that it's a fool

who plays it cool

by making his world a little colder

my song of the day ^^
It put me in such a good mood <3

_

Sweeping Declarations

Starting next week, I shall

- join the gym and go at least four times a week
- work hard on my novel and write at least 3000 words a day
- apply for at least three jobs a day
- get up early (I'll start with 8:30, then 8, then 7:30, then 7 and maybe eventually 6:30)
- read at least two books a week
- learn how to play guitar and do that 五月天 song cover I was always gonna do
- write a poem every two days (and just edit it if it's not good)

I know it's not the beginning of the year but these are my resolutions.
Let's follow up in 3 months shall we?

_

Today is my grandma's 78th birthday

And I just wanna talk about how admirable I think she is. Not only is she an amazing cook (and is badass and can chop up an entire chicken with those massive chopping knives) and kind and sweet like how people expect grandmas to be, she's also my role model.

She was super pretty when she was young and was super smart and went to the best high school in Taipei and was super athletic and was on the basketball team. She came from a reasonably wealthy family but she married my grandpa who wasn't that well off and they were poor but she was still happy and never complained and made their home happy and warm. Then my grandpa passed away when my mum was 16 and my grandma got jobs and raised her three kids by herself.

And even after she got older and her kids could support her she continued to live a really fulfilling life. Even now, she goes to interesting classes and attend seminars and speeches so she can gain more knowledge.She gets up early to exercise and practice martial arts everyday.

She's got heaps of guts and even though she can't speak English she used to come to nz by herself to visit us. She's travelled to heaps of countries and everytime she goes to Japan she freaking bargains with shopkeepers even though her Japanese isn't fully fluent.

She's really cool and plays games with us kids. She used to play gameboy and on my cousin's psp and now she's super into candy crush. She's always interested in new technology and new things and willing to learn how to use them. She learnt how to use Skype to call us and how to turn forward the time on her tablet so she has more lives on candy crush.

My grandma's also super fashionable and classy and always wears chiffon or silk scarves and still dresses up, even if she's just going out to dinner.

I hope I can be like her when I'm 78
She's still so young at heart and living life how it should be lived ^^

_

Long Vacation

There's an old Japanese drama (from the nineties, I think) called Long Vacation. 

The plot follows:

a 25 year old piano major who can't seem to find the confidence to confess to the girl he likes and doesn't play well enough to win competitions because of a mental barrier

And

A 31 year old woman who's been a model all her life but can no longer get any good modelling jobs because she's getting old and also got left at the altar by her fiancé. 

Anyway they meet and eventaully, they accidentally fall in love and consequently help each other move forward in their lives.

Near the beginning of the drama, when they're talking about how they're both kind of in a rut, and at low points in their lives, the guy says something to the effect of "think of this as a long vacation in which you've been given the time to take a rest from the things in your life that have brought you down and figure out what to do and stand back up again" 

Lately I've felt like this is my "Long Vacation". But I'm so ready for it to end. But maybe kamisama thinks my time hasn't come yet. What do I have to do to make my life move forward? 

Meet Kimura Takuya and learn how to play piano? =="

_

"Hey, I love you"

I'm not usually the type to post this kind of thing. I see no point in these sorts of text images but I saw this today and some people's faces just popped into my mind so I felt kind of compelled to write this post. 

Sometimes when I'm looking at someone I love, or I'm talking to a friend, or I'm thinking of someone I care about or even just someone I know is a wonderful person, I have this urge to smile and tell them I think they're amazing. Truly, I do. I have moments like that. 

I know, I know, it's odd right? I've never really been that type of person. I don't throw compliments around like some people do. Maybe it's because I'm awkward, who knows. But at least this way, when I compliment someone, you know I mean it because the urge to say something nice has overpowered my reluctance to talk to people. LOL. 

I think I once wrote a post similar to this, in which I told the people I love of all the wonderful things and happiness I wanted for them. That one was much simlper and sweeter, I think. 

But maybe it's time to remind the people in my life again:

"Hey, I think about you"

"Hey, I want the best for you"

"Hey, I want you to be happy all the time"

"Hey, you're wonderful and amazing"

"Hey, I wish for you at 11:11" 

"Hey, you matter so much to me" 

"Hey, when you talked to me the other day, I smiled" 

"Hey, you make me smile" 

"Hey, know that if I could, I would protect you from all the hurt the world wants to inflict upon you" 

"Hey, you truly deserve happiness and good fortune, and I wish I could give them to you" 

I'm sorry that I'm often prone to being sentimental (It comes in sudden waves, I can't control it) but I just wanna tell the people I love that I love them ^^ 

_

What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't occasionally reveal intimate details of my life on the internet?

It's been a year since that day with the shyness and the candy outside ic3 ♥

heheh

Even though I can't see him today (which I know is sad and my fault and i'm sorry) I'm still happy because he wrote me an adorable love letter and collected heart shaped candy for me ^^

這是我們的紀念日　紀念我們開始對自己誠實

　願意為深愛的人　放棄驕傲　

說少了你

生活淡的沒有味道

_