Ranting (haven't done one of these in awhile)

Been finding it so hard to get to sleep lately.
Oh insomnia, why must you torture me like this every night? If you love company so much, why don't you just spend time with misery, he loves company too. (HAR HAR HAR AMY YOU'RE SO  HILARIOUS AND CLEVER.)
Even when I do manage to sleep, it brings me no satisfaction or comfort, and I don't feel refreshed at all when I wake up.
I hate this ><
I really wish I could use sleep as a form of escape, like I am used to doing, (since I've been rather unhappy again these past 2 weeks) but it seems my scumbag brain is refusing to let me do so.
Arrrggghhhhhhh and my body is now unable to handle allnighters >< so I can't even adjust my sleeping pattern.
Sigh.
WHY CAN'T I SLEEP
And I was even tired as hell today ><
Ahhh my eyes freaking hurt from being a little bitch and crying again (really, really gotta stop doing that)

I miss my rebellious/'cool'/wannabebadass teenage years when I was oddly emotionless at times and never seemed to be able to cry. My eyes were always oddly dry at times in which tears seemed appropriate.

Now I cry at every. Damn. Thing.

"Omg Dan and Steph on MKR are such an adorable couple" *cries*
"Omg advertising in which a child runs up to their mother" *cries*
"Omg I'm struggling with finding a job" *cries*
"Omg I miss my friends" *cries*
"Omg my boyfriend loves me" *cries*

I really need to cut it out ==
I cry too much, my eyes aren't gonna be able to take it.
WHY AM I SO WEAK?!

I think I'm a little off topic. The real question is, WHY CAN'T I FREAKING SLEEP?!
Well I guess I kinda know the answer to that question.. but still TT I want sleep. PLEAAAASE. I NEED A BUTTERFREE TO USE SLEEP POWDER ON ME.
I need to stop being so lame @.@

Sigh.

Mommy is gonna kill me if she finds out I'm still awake at this time.

Is it past witching hour yet? Can the BFG come and blow a dream into my window?

I miss having a bedside lamp! I wanna read ><

_

Violent Emotions

I want to be so sad I can't stand it
I want to cry, uncontrollably and inconsolably.
I want my tears to blind me, to drown me.
I want to choke on my tears, I want to sob, I want to gasp for air
I want to curl up on the floor and not care that the bathroom tiles are cold
I want to cry till my eyes get all red and puffy, till my head hurts, till I feel like I've used up all my tears.
then realize my sleeves are soaked, the knees of my jeans are soaked and I've used up too many tissues
then look in the mirror and realize I'm a complete mess.

I want to be so angry I can't stand it
I want to be so angry I want to cry, but fight back the tears because I'd rather be angry than sad.
I want to want to yell, I want to fight
I want to want to argue until my opponent backs down
I want to feel my heart pounding as I say something defiant, something cruel, something I probably will regret saying.
I want to feel the words forming on my tongue and on my lips
I want to feel the thrill the words leaving my mouth, watching their effect on my victim
I want to relish the feeling, and I would, if i were sufficiently angry.
I want to be implusive and act upon impluse.
then stand in the silence that follows, fixing my eyes upon the whoever I'm angry at, daring them to look away.

I want to love someone so much I can't stand it
I want to be caught up in everything they say and everything they do
I want to love fiercely, with abandon, with a burning intensity.
I want to be estatically happy because of love.
I want to fight for love, work hard for love.
I want to find love, I want to lose love - and cry.
I want to feel that heartache again, the feelings welling up in my chest.
I want to worry and fret and lose sleep.
I want to smile that secret smile.
I want to love like Heathcliff; like Neruda's poems.


I want to feel violent emotions
(lol Wuthering Heights much?)

not this dull ache.

_

honestly

i'm, like, dying of cuteness here.

i think the idea of love and romance and cute couples has been on my mind too much lately.
in the "AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW OMG TOO CUTE" -SQUEEEEEEEEE- sort of way
not in the "omg i'm going to die alone" sort of way (well okay it's like that occasionally, but mostly it's half jokingly anyway)
seeing this stuff just makes me happy.
O_o
i dont know why.
since when was i the type to be happy when i see others happy??
=P

_

3am

I can't sleep.
I remember when i was in year 10 and for awhile (like maybe a week? or maybe longer?)
i forget. memories blur now. it was so long ago.
I'd wake up at 3am. for no reason.
haha. it was so strange.
and kinda scary.
And then I told my friend and then he ended up txting me every night when it hit 3am for awhile.
just to be like "hey wow, you ARE awake!" if i replied.
It didn't even occur to me that even then, he had had horrible sleeping habits.
at that time, it didn't even occur to me that i'd ever end up having horrible sleeping habits.
3am used to be so late.
i don't know why i suddenly remembered this now.
haha

_

Lately.

I've been feeling strange.
Unhappy?
I don't know.
just strange.
like I'm really far away from everyone.
It's hard to explain...
I'm not being despressed.
Things are wrong. But not that wrong.
I feel like sometimes I look and someone and I think:
"I could never ever ever understand what it would be like to see through your eyes"
sometimes I think:
"Why can't you see what I see? Or.. is it that i'm missing something that you're seeing?"
other times i think:
"even if i could read your mind, i'd probably still be confused"

I feel like there's something between me and the rest of the world.
It's not numbness.
i guess a good metaphor would be.. a thick pane of glass?
I can't hear clearly or see clearly
I feel like... no matter how hard i press myself against the glass, I can't reach anyone.
I can tap on the glass and someone will look up, for a second.
But will lose interest when they realise they can't get to me.

I feel like, even if i'm sitting next to someone.. they're a million miles away from me.
like. i want to sit really close to make sure they're really there.
I feel like everyone's hearts are so far away from mine.
I feel like our thoughts are so far apart
I feel like our ideals are so far apart
so much so that we may as well be on either end of the planet.

I don't feel like i'm being left behind
or that
I'm leaving people behind.
it feels like...
that feeling you get when you stand when the sea meets the beach
and the tide comes in and then goes out
and the sand underneath your feet is being washed away.
and you feel like you're being pulled away from the beach, away from the world.

_

I hate you

you're selfish
you think the world revolves around you
you think your every whim is the most important thing in the world
you only think about your capacity to be hurt, never your ability to hurt
I'm sick of putting up with your shit.

I hate you
and I'd tell the whole world why...
if they'd believe me.

_

yesterday

all my troubles seemed so far away.
Beatles <3

but. that's not true. at least for me atm.
i just. sigh. cbf life. just. so pointless. no motivation. nothing to look forward to. time crawls. which i both hate and also want because i need more time. so contradictory.
sigh.

=/
anyway. the reason i titled the entry yesterday was because of this photo i took yesterday (and by that i mean monday, leave me alone.. it's still tuesday for me)

it's kinda pretty, no? it was better in real life. sigh. cause the sky was darker and you could actually see the cresent moon next to it and it was so bright and gorgeous. but the stupid camera ruined it.
i actually walked past someone taking a photo and i was like "lol what" and then i looked up and realised how pretty it was. lol.

another photo.
oh god i have become someone who takes photos of coffee?!? my flat white in POD:

lol~ the coffee from POD isnt too bad actually. i'm thinking i might stop drinking mochas all the time.i mean, i like the chocolatey-ness, but today i had one that was WAY too sweet.  lattes and flat whites are growing on me. i never wanna drink anything with TOO MUCH caffeine. cause. i dont want my hands to shake and my heart to pound and i dont want to not be able to sleep at night (it's already a problem)

2 essays left to do.
15/1800
0/2000
gg.

need you now by lady antebellum.
on repeat for like. at least 20 hours in total now.