This is the first time

that I've cried and a didn't feel a weight lift off my chest. My heart doesn't feel lighter and I don't feel a sense of relief.
I think it no longer works that way. Or maybe it never worked that way.
Crying isn't, and never was, a magical process that eliminated my worries and problems, I guess I just... always felt better after crying because, well, it relieves stress (first of all) but also, I guess I'd come to some conclusion or realisation or decision.
But now, as I sit here with swollen eyes, I don't feel even a tiny bit better.
The only thing is that I've calmed down a little.

I don't think I believe that everything will turn out okay anymore.
Maybe that's the problem
_

Violent Emotions

I want to be so sad I can't stand it
I want to cry, uncontrollably and inconsolably.
I want my tears to blind me, to drown me.
I want to choke on my tears, I want to sob, I want to gasp for air
I want to curl up on the floor and not care that the bathroom tiles are cold
I want to cry till my eyes get all red and puffy, till my head hurts, till I feel like I've used up all my tears.
then realize my sleeves are soaked, the knees of my jeans are soaked and I've used up too many tissues
then look in the mirror and realize I'm a complete mess.

I want to be so angry I can't stand it
I want to be so angry I want to cry, but fight back the tears because I'd rather be angry than sad.
I want to want to yell, I want to fight
I want to want to argue until my opponent backs down
I want to feel my heart pounding as I say something defiant, something cruel, something I probably will regret saying.
I want to feel the words forming on my tongue and on my lips
I want to feel the thrill the words leaving my mouth, watching their effect on my victim
I want to relish the feeling, and I would, if i were sufficiently angry.
I want to be implusive and act upon impluse.
then stand in the silence that follows, fixing my eyes upon the whoever I'm angry at, daring them to look away.

I want to love someone so much I can't stand it
I want to be caught up in everything they say and everything they do
I want to love fiercely, with abandon, with a burning intensity.
I want to be estatically happy because of love.
I want to fight for love, work hard for love.
I want to find love, I want to lose love - and cry.
I want to feel that heartache again, the feelings welling up in my chest.
I want to worry and fret and lose sleep.
I want to smile that secret smile.
I want to love like Heathcliff; like Neruda's poems.


I want to feel violent emotions
(lol Wuthering Heights much?)

not this dull ache.

_