Spent the whole day listening to this on repeat

so good T^T

_

So I guess I decided to post this rant here afterall.

So, I wanna talk about Crazy Stupid Love
the movie that is.
I know, I know, it's a movie from last year... blah blah a long time ago, why am I just writing about it now.. blah blah.
Don't blame me, I just saw it on the plane coming back from Taiwan.

well, this isn't a review of the movie.
although, it might contain spoilers so if you haven't seen it but you're planning on seeing it, don't read this.
Go find it, watch it, and then come and read this.

Oh and this is really long so... errrrmmm, yea.
If you have the urge to comment with tldr please DONT. please. I'm asking nicely. I know my mentioning this is just asking for it. But seriously. PLEASE. You can just not comment or not read it or both! I don't know why I'm so insistent about this, this time... I normally don't even care... but I'm just in this kinda mood.
So..... onegaishimasu! -bows-

What I really wanna talk about, is love, true love, 'the one', destiny, and all that stuff.
well, not really.
I think I wanna talk about faithfulness in a relationship
well I think I wanna talk about how sexist society is
actually,
I think I just wanna complain about a some of the characters, situations and themes presented and portrayed in this movie. And how the more I thought about them, the more annoyed I got.
Lol.

Don't get me wrong, I actually liked the movie. I enjoyed watching it. If it came on, on TV, I'd sit down and watch it if I had nothing else to do. It was pretty cute in some parts, it had some good humour, funny situations, good lines, reasonable character development, likeable characters(even though they were kind of like typical stock characters, ie. Ryan Gosling's character: the hot, smooth rich womanizer who is actually lonely and damaged), it was a bit predictable but let's face it, which romantic comedy isn't?
Oh and another thing I have to mention (and i apologize for this in advance)
RYAN GOSLING'S ABS. WTF. Ahem. I'm not ususally the type to be all like "OMFG LOOK AT THAT TOTALLY HOT GUY AND HIS ABS OMFG" -squeal- -giggle- but like, wtf man. it was like

I actually used a meme. oh god.

aaaaaaaanyway, not to get sidetracked, the movie is basically about a middle aged man called Cal (played by Steve Carell) who married his high school sweetheart but all the spark has gone out of their marriage (god, that was a badly constructed sentence).
So one day out of the blue, his wife (whose name is Emily) tells him she slept with someone else and that she wants a divorce. So they get divorced and Cal meets Jacob (Ryan Gosling) who teaches him how to pick up chicks.
simple. And so the plot develops from there. Oh, this is one of those movies with the seemingly seperate plotlines that are all eventually interwoven. But that's irrelevant to me (for the sake of this post)


So one thing that pissed me off about this movie was how the wife acted.
Seriously! She was the one who cheated on him in the first place!
what right does she have to get all pissed off when she finds out that he slept with other women?
they weren't even married anymore!
And okay, so she regretted her actions, was sorry, etc BUT HER EXCUSE WAS THAT SHE WAS GOING THROUGH A MID-LIFE CRISIS? Jeez.What a bitch.
Furthermore, she didn't even try to do anything to FIX their marriage! What, she felt guilty? Confused? Miserable? Unsure of how to express herself? Felt that she had no right to say or do anything? It wasn't "Oh I feel terrible, I miss my husband, maybe I should try to fix things. it was OH HE'S SLEEPING WITH OTHER WOMEN! I HAVE ALL THIS ANGER AND PRIDE (which she should totally not have considering she was the one who betrayed her husband) I'M GOING TO DATE THE GUY I CHEATED ON MY HUSBAND WITH, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T REALLY WANT TO."
has it occurred to her that maybe he was just doing all this because he's miserable without you?
She was pretty much just self righteous and self-pitying.
 And SELFISH.

SO like, near the end of the film Cal was all like "I should have fought for you blah blah" or something to that effect.
WHY? Why did he have to do it while she did nothing?

because he's the male? he has to chase the girl? to win her back? to keep the romance alive in their marriage? That's so sexist!
I don't have that much experience in relationships, but I'm pretty sure it's a two way thing.
 The movie characterizes Cal as this really romantic guy who believes in true love etc.  So it can basically be read as him being more emotionally invested in the relationship so he has to be the one to fix it, no matter who was at fault. It's condemning people who are like him! Basically saying "weeeeellllllllllll it can't be helped that this is your disposition, you only have yourself to blame"

Last thing (i think) is the whole part after the climax and before the resolution. So basically the part leading up to the resolution when Cal is alone, isolated, sad and everyone's pissed off at him. Why????
why?? why???? He didn't deserve any of that! Why did he deserve to be punished?
They made it seem like he was just being stubborn! And that it was his own fault that things turned out the way they did! If only he hadn't agreed to the divorce that his wife wanted! Of course it's his responsibility to fight for their marriage! =="


Yes, I know it's just a movie. There's no need to be patronizing.
BUT STILL.
There are people like this! This world is huge and whatever can be imagined can and probably does exist and happen.
Also, this movie is MAKING LIGHT OF BEING UNFAITHFUL IN A MARRIAGE! It's like they're saying "Oh don't worry! If your husband loves you enough, he'll forgive you!'
WELL HE SHOULDN'T. Unless you work really really hard to rebuild your marriage (and even then, I'm not so sure but that's just my personal opinion) WHICH EMILY CERTAINLY DIDN'T DO.
And another problem with this movie is that all the girls who watch it will be like "AWWWW SO THAT'S WHAT TRUE LOVE IS LIKE! HE'LL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO AND HE'LL ALWAYS FORGIVE YOU AND TRY TO WIN YOU BACK"
..........................................................................
no. just no.

Lol after writing all this, maybe i don't like the movie that much. lol.
but.
My point was my disapproval of people's attitudes I'm not just getting worked up over some silly movie.
sigh
Maybe I just think too much.

_

I went to your wedding~~

(i guess no one will get that reference in the title... it's a super old song)
Anyway, I went to a wedding.
I have to admit, I teared up a little. Silly, huh.
idk what did it..
I mean, it was cute. They did the whole slideshow thing and the obligatory parental wellwishing speech.
They walked into the ballroom venue dueting a cute love song.
The bride was super pretty and the groom was kinda cute too.
blah blah.
lol. I'm sorry. That's rude. I shouldn't make light of their special day.
No, I just mean, WHY THE HELL DID I TEAR UP?
Am I one of those crazy emotional spontaneous criers?
Is is that I'm older now and understand the world more? So I feel things more? ugh idk (it is a lot easier to make me cry nowadays.. as opposed to, say, my intermediate and early high shool days)
I didn't even know the bride that well. Or at all. I know her younger sister better. And still, not even that well.
Am I warming to the idea of getting married?! lol.. it's not like i was ever against marriage.. it's just that I was never one of those girls who planned out their wedding in excruciating detail by the time they were 10. I never played brides with sheets as a child.
I was thoroughly perplexed.
Maybe I waws just caught up in the moment of the bride and groom being so adorable together, being so in love and everyone being so happy.
Maybe I just wondered for a split second if i would ever have that happiness and in that split second I decided I wouldn't and I felt sad.
Maybe it's my foreveraloneness tauting me. lololololol
just kidding.
It's not that complicated. Maybe weddings are just touching and love is worth tearing up for.

After the wedding I spent the next 2 days telling my parents I thought i would be alone forever and no one would want to marry me and i wanted them to find me a husband and i wanted to get married now.
they got really really annoyed. and worried.
trololololololololololol
I'm an annoying child.
Maybe I'm like Chandler and my humour is a defense mechanism =P and i'm actually super worried noone will marry me D=

trust me to ruin a wonderful thing.


bwahahahahahahahaha

_

Shakespeare sonnet 141

In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
For they in thee a thousand errors note;
But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,
Who in despite of view is pleased to dote;
Nor are mine ears with thy tongue's tune delighted,
Nor tender feeling, to base touches prone,
Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited
To any sensual feast with thee alone:
But my five wits nor my five senses can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unsway'd the likeness of a man,
Thy proud hearts slave and vassal wretch to be:
Only my plague thus far I count my gain,
That she that makes me sin awards me pain.

why is he so amazing?!

_

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Despite the fact that I had to analyse this film for academic purposes, I throroughly enjoyed it.

In the world of the movie, it is possible to go to a clinic and have your memories of a particular person erased. It's centred around a couple - Joel and Clementine. She has him erased from her memory after they break up and he finds out. So, as a "fuck you" to her, he decides to undergo the procedure as well. The film is largely set inside his head as he tries to hide the memory of Clementine within other memories when he suddenly decides that he doesn't want to forget her.

meh. i'm not good at giving synopses....(i remember i used to tell people about books i'd read and try to convince them to read it by telling them about the book and it would always result in them saying that it sounded boring... =___=")

so yea,

google it.
imdb it.
stream it.
watch it.

I think for me, It's not a question of whether the good memories trump the bad.
I guess it'd be a little about what I learnt from those experiences and how these lessons learnt would be forgotten and I may make the same mistakes again.
But I think it's mostly about losing a part of myself if those memories are erased. I think it's that during the process of erasure, I would suddenly regret it, as Joel did in the movie. I think it's that I dislike letting go of things.
I guess after the procedure, I wouldn't know what I'd forgotten so it'd be okay. Ignorance is bliss, and all that jazz.
But I'd hate feeling like I'd forgotten something. I'd hate going to a place and feeling like I'd been there before with someone special. I'd hate that feeling like I'd lost something but not know what.
I'd live in a constant state of deja vu. I'd hate all these unexplainable emotions triggered by things that should mean nothing.

I wonder if I've caused anyone enough pain that they'd want to erase me?


If I could erase you....


_

Violent Emotions

I want to be so sad I can't stand it
I want to cry, uncontrollably and inconsolably.
I want my tears to blind me, to drown me.
I want to choke on my tears, I want to sob, I want to gasp for air
I want to curl up on the floor and not care that the bathroom tiles are cold
I want to cry till my eyes get all red and puffy, till my head hurts, till I feel like I've used up all my tears.
then realize my sleeves are soaked, the knees of my jeans are soaked and I've used up too many tissues
then look in the mirror and realize I'm a complete mess.

I want to be so angry I can't stand it
I want to be so angry I want to cry, but fight back the tears because I'd rather be angry than sad.
I want to want to yell, I want to fight
I want to want to argue until my opponent backs down
I want to feel my heart pounding as I say something defiant, something cruel, something I probably will regret saying.
I want to feel the words forming on my tongue and on my lips
I want to feel the thrill the words leaving my mouth, watching their effect on my victim
I want to relish the feeling, and I would, if i were sufficiently angry.
I want to be implusive and act upon impluse.
then stand in the silence that follows, fixing my eyes upon the whoever I'm angry at, daring them to look away.

I want to love someone so much I can't stand it
I want to be caught up in everything they say and everything they do
I want to love fiercely, with abandon, with a burning intensity.
I want to be estatically happy because of love.
I want to fight for love, work hard for love.
I want to find love, I want to lose love - and cry.
I want to feel that heartache again, the feelings welling up in my chest.
I want to worry and fret and lose sleep.
I want to smile that secret smile.
I want to love like Heathcliff; like Neruda's poems.


I want to feel violent emotions
(lol Wuthering Heights much?)

not this dull ache.

_

to everyone that i love ♥

I want you to not feel lonely
I want you to not hurt
I want to know a failproof way to make you smile
I wish I could lift your spirits whenever you feel down
I wish I could do something to make everything better when things are bad
I wish I could erase pain
I wish that on those nights when you're sitting in the dark wondering why you can't sleep I could be there to put my arm around you.
I wish you every happiness because you deserve it.

Who do you think of when you're lonely?
I hope it's me.

_

So i'm watching an asian drama

and girl A is in love with the guy and girl B hurt the guy in the past but still loves him.
BUT SHAME GIRL B CAUSE THE GUY LOVES GIRL A NOW.

So anyway girl A goes to girl B
"如果你那麼擔心他受傷 那當初為什麼要讓他那麼痛?"
(if you're so worried about him getting hurt, why did you cause him so much pain?)
and girl B goes
"你y以為就只有受傷的人才會痛嗎? 那傷人的那一個呢? 他連喊痛的資格都沒有"
(do you think the only person who feels pain is the one getting hurt? What about the one who is inflicting the pain? they don't even have the right to express their pain)

WELL OF COURSE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT.

yes. you hate yourself for hurting them. and you care about them so of course, when they hurt, you hurt too.
but SERIOUSLY.
too fucking bad.
you screwed up one too many times.
maybe the first time, it was an accident.
but by the second time..
you KNEW that you were hurting them, so why, why why, did you keep doing it?
Because they put up with it? Because you think that they will always forgive you? Or because you're just selfish?
if inflicting pain hurts you too... THEN STOP DOING IT. that way, you stop inflicting pain on yourself AND the other person.
Two birds, one stone.

lol this is just a drama, a work of fiction! why am i getting so worked up about it? Beacuse I'm just like this lol Yea, I tend to get affected by books or movies or dramas when i get really into them.
i remember when i used to watch korean dramas and i ended up yelling at the TV cause people were SO FREAKING STUPID. LIKE HONESTLY. UGH. FICTIONAL PEOPLE NOWADAYS.
lol.

but seriously... i feel like i can kind of relate to it.
I'm not saying all this as if i don't understand... I'm not being high and mighty.

I kinda know how girl B feels.
i've hurt people. and i've know that i hurt people and it's the worst feeling in the world to have hurt people that I genuinely cared about... and I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry. And i wish that I could reverse time, erase pain.
BUT the difference between me and girl B is that, in my opinion, I certianly HAVE NO RIGHT to even THINK that i'm allowed to talk about how pained i am, about how i didn't wanna hurt them but i did so now i'm sad.
because... well...
it was my fault.
and i'm not the victim.
I can feel guilty, I can worry, I can feel sad that i screwed things up but i think i should keep those things to myself. However, I can say sorry, I can express my regret, I can try not to inflict any more pain.
On the other hand, I don't think i'm allowed to say "I'M ALSO HURT BY MY ACTIONS THAT HURT YOU" (also, it just sounds stupid)

That's what annoys me about girl B
however pained she might feel.... She shouldn't talk about it..
She should bear it in silence. That's the punishment she earned.
BUT SHE DOESN'T
-RAGE-

but i suppose it wouldn't be very good television if girl B had morals.

_

honestly

i'm, like, dying of cuteness here.

i think the idea of love and romance and cute couples has been on my mind too much lately.
in the "AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW OMG TOO CUTE" -SQUEEEEEEEEE- sort of way
not in the "omg i'm going to die alone" sort of way (well okay it's like that occasionally, but mostly it's half jokingly anyway)
seeing this stuff just makes me happy.
O_o
i dont know why.
since when was i the type to be happy when i see others happy??
=P

_

Today

instead of going to uni to study, I sat in bed, on the side close to the window, and for the fifth time, I started to read "The history of love" by Nicole Karuss.

“Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.”

Rainy days in bed with a book and a cup of tea. What could be better?
But as i read, i suddenly felt a surge of annoyance, a wave of impatience at this world.

Why the does the world have to be so full of despair, full of suffering, full of war, full of misunderstanding, full of miscommunication, full of loss, full of pain, full of loneliness, full of sadness, so full of tears, full of lies, full of fear, full of fragility and so full of heartache?
Why are people so stubborn, so sad, so curious, so proud, so prone to mistakes, so inevitably self destructive?

“so many words get lost. they leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves.”

_

Must stop

-listening to cheesy mandopop love songs.
-watching cute romance movies/dramas.
-reading love stories.
-listening to other people's cute love stories.
-reading victorian love poetry.

make me want to fall in love

wtf.
_

"If I were loved, as I desire to be"

If I were loved, as I desire to be,
What is there in the great sphere of the earth
And range of evil between death and birth,
That I should fear, - if I were loved by thee?

                                                              -Tennyson

Goodbye 2010.

A lot has happened this year...
and now.. it's the last day.
It went by so fast.
First half of the year was like...
msn till 4am every night
being miserable and melodramatic
and suddenly i realized that i'd st opped doing that
and that it was october.

I'm posting this before work instead of when i get home so that it's still 2010 in nz when this entry goes up.

I hope everyone has a great new years eve. !!
like genuinely.
I'll stop complaining that i'm not doing anything special..

BUT

Most importantly, I just want to thank everyone for being part of my 2010
It's been really great.
I hope that everyone will continue being part of my life 2011, share another year of their lives with me and that by the end of 2011 we'll have had another year filled with great memories.

Love (lots and lots of it),

Amy

_

Sorry about the sentiment^^;;;
and
wow i just realized my title was really cliche.
_

As promised. Some sentiment. And reflection.

I've been meaning to write a new entry for awhile but I've been busy... doing god knows what.
This is gonna be pretty  LONG. I shoulda written a separate entries instead of just one. But I kinda fell behind on my blogging.

ANYWAY.
So at the old people's home/nursing home where my grandpa now lives..
there's this old couple.
He's 80 something and she's in her late 70s.
They're always sitting side by side in their wheelchairs.
And everytime I see them, they're holding hands.
It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen.
lol.
The only time i see them not holding hands is when they're having lunch.
And straight after they finish eating, he reaches over and grabs her hand.
Even someone like me, who isn't all that sure about marriage, thinks it would be great to have what that they have.
I mean sure, what do outsiders like me know?
But when you're old and you can't walk, you can't talk much and all you do is sit there everyday watching tv or sitting by the window and being taken care of by nurses...
I think that if you know that the person you love will be there, holding your hand, giving you hope and comfort.
...and that you have the person who loves you the most in the world by your side.
Then you're pretty freaking lucky.
It seems to me that it's very hard to obtain that sort of love in this world. At least for me.
BUT they kind of make me feel like it's possible to be in love with someone for as long as you live.
It's like when you ask for someone's "hand in marriage" you're taking their hand, promising to never let go and be their companion forever, through thick and thin.
And to me, this old couple embodies that idea.
....
OMG SO CHEESY
sorry guys ^^;;;;;;

I feel like I need some pictures in here to grab people's attention.
But i got nothin'
You can just stop reading if you like.
-everyone closes the tab/window-

So I don't know how many people that went to BBI remember, but in year 8 we played 'Chariots of Fire' in the orchestra.
Anyone remember? Ryan? Sarah? Allan? Remember?
I have lots of great memories linked to that piece of music.
Practising it in orchestra, preparing for the year 8 production, not having to go to class cause of the rehearsals.
So I was sitting in a noodle shop the other day (those tiny ones with no air conditioning, fold out tables and thosee cheap plastic chairs) and suddenly Chariots of Fire came on.
The weirdest feeling came over me when i heard it.
And suddenly I was reminded of the first time our orchestra played this piece from start to finish. And the overwhelming feeling it brought. I don't know about everyone else, but at that time, I was so moved by it.
Okay it's probaly because of the music. It's an amazing piece and just listening to it...  something... just wells up in my heart.
And well... it made me feel so close to everyone in the orchestra at that moment.
Also, the fact that our orchestra (which was not that great to be perfectly honest xp) was able to play it was pretty amazing lol... At the time, it felt like we achieved something together.
I don't know why i felt the need to blog about this!
I guess it was the place juxtaposing with the music and then the sudden rush of memories.
It was... a really odd feeling.
The only downside to all this is that I am unable to remove those stupid lyrics Mrs Vercoe (the music teacher) wrote (to go with it for the production) from my memory.
UGH. They were SO so so so.... ugh....
><"


listen to it.
^^

Okay so I was gonna write about one more thing... But honestly, I cbf. It's not very interesting (because the above was SO interesting ==")
But yea.
This has gone on long enough.
So.
Until next time.
uh...
I remain your faithful and humble servant..

_

"And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong"

'The Rose' - Bette Midler<3

The world aims to tear us apart from the people we want to be close to.
Think of all the movies, books, songs about this.
Even the real life stories you've heard.
And there's all that crap about after overcoming the struggles and love never being easy and it wouldn't be worthwhile if it was so easy.
I'm sorry but that's bullshit.
I'd like to boycott the world if that's the case.
I'm not asking for life and love to be easy....
but...
wait. yea i am.

I think i bugged enough people last week with my question about "fate" (the closest english equivalent of the concept, i think..)
and really,
yea i think i'm right.
fuck.
i'm doomed to be unhappy then.
lol.
i'm just kidding, i'm not that cynical.

Yesterday, I watched "5 Centimeters Per Second: a chain of short stories about their distance"  which is a Japanese animated feature film by Makoto Shinkai.
here's a video of the song from it




How many of us are looking for something that doesn't exist anymore?
Something that maybe only truly existed for a split second but has lived on in the blur between our memories and dreams?
Why is it so easy for words and feelings to be drowned out in this world?
Things we never get to say, never get to express..... how do we shake that feeling of regret?
How do we forget that which we have lost?
Distance, and time makes us forget, but leaves us with an inexplicable feeling of loss and heartache.
So that you're constantly looking for shadows of what used to be there because you can no longer picture it in your mind.

oh how the world messes with us.

_