I wonder if they read this, if each of my old friends would be able to pick out the ones referring to them. I wonder how much they remember.

remember when we talked everyday?
remember when we hung out?
remember when you said i'd better not forget you?
and I said i'd never do such a thing?
remember when i knew what was going on in your life
and you knew what was going on in mine?
When i could predict your response to my questions?
(beacuse i asked them to hear that specific response and you knew that so you obliged?)
remember when you didn't seem so far away?
Remember?
Remember when I went to you when i was troubled?
and you came to me?
remember when my name was said in conjunction to yours?
remember when you always stuck up for me?
remember when you let me copy your homework?
and when i helped you cheat in that test?
remember when i'd txt you when i finished my essays?
remember laughing so hard we couldn't breathe?
remember sitting at the back in maths class and mucking around?
remember our immature ruler jokes? and your not being about to tell the difference between a compass and a protractor? and how we never let that one slide?
remember our stupid code names?
and the word association games we played to come up with them?
remember talking on the phone everyday?
remember txting everyday?
remember chasing each other around the empty classroom?
remember when you pretended to choke me everytime you saw me?
remember playing cards during lunchtimes in the empty psych room?
remember helping me pass that level on supermario galaxy?
remember telling me how your cake collapsed?
remember playing the song lyrics game?
remember telling me what songs to listen to?
remember your stupid birthday muffin? with the stupid 'candles'?
remember our failed suprise party?
remember how you named  my plushies after the boys in the class and I got mad?
remember text information management? remember Mr Clarke?
remember 'swanlings'?
remember when our japanese teacher said "is that a door?" to a window?
and we couldn't stop laughing everytime we mentioned it?
remember when we tried to make you let your hair down?
remember going to the library in the mornings?
and sitting around that one table?
remember calling me up at 12am so we could work out a maths problem?
remember when I yelled at you all the time?
remember when we wrote each other emails?
remember doing homework at each other's houses?
remember when I fell off the bus when I was on the phone to you?
remember when I plaited your hair?
remember our msn mass convos?
remember blogging? msn spaces?
remember writing ridiculous testimonials for each other on hi5?
remember eating behind our textbooks in japanese class?
remember falling asleep in japanese class?
remember calling each other after we'd both cried?
remember playing truth or dare in english class?
and being dared to touch the teacher's hair?
remember the relief when we discovered we all hated the same person?
remember our spot under the stairs?
and then on the stairs? (or was it the other way around?)
remember playing netball in that pouring rain at lunchtime?
and arriving to class completely drenched?
remember our fail sticker photos?
remember sitting outside the public library?
remember our secrets?
remember our idiocy?

now i never see you
now i only bump into you on the stairs at uni
now i see you at bus stops but don't stop to say hi
now i txt you once in awhile to say we should catch up.. but we don't
now i can only like the things you post on facebook
now when we bump into each other i wonder awkwardly if we should hug
now i sometimes don't recognise you until a few seconds too late for me to say hi
now i avoid you at all costs

but still, my ears perk up when i hear your name
but still I miss you

to all my friends that I've lost...
I wish I hadn't screwed up.
I wish you were all still by my side.
not that i don't love my current friends to bits.
cause i do.
but still.

_

Oh Matsumoto Jun

whatcha lookin at? :3



remember when i used to be obsessed with you?

in year 10?

when i first watched the jap drama 'Gokusen' and discovered you?

remember?? and i had an album on my old blog of you?

and i obsessively joined several jdrama forums for you?

and you sparked my fangirl interests in all those other jpop boybands?

and then i moved on to some other guy after awhile?

ahem.

sorry.

this is a LITTLE  out of character, no?

this reminds me of my old blog.. when i'd put up albums of japanese celebrities i liked

i was really obsessed with japan back then... and pretty much all things japanese

all my music was jpop

my desktop was from some drama or anime

i spent SO MUCH time browsing forums, watching dramas, listening to jpop, looking up lyrics, translating the lyrics.

good times.

lol i found that picture on tumblr. there's this girl that i follow and all the things she reblogs remind me of me when i was younger.... it's funny how that happens

yea.

so this was fun.

have an exam soon.

wow i go to SUCH lengths to procrastinate huh.

SOCIOLOGY OF DEATH I'MA PWN YOU.

or, like, maybe not, idk.

i'll pass okay though.

lol.

_

I remember.

I remember those nights
we talked and talked and talked
I killed zombies with plants
and listened to love the way you lie
I learnt all the lyrics to that song
and when i heard it on the radio, all i could picture were zombie heads falling off.
I remember those jars of nutella (6, to be exact)
and my row of spoons.
I drank mug after mug of tea
and i studied all through the night
but never seemed to get any work done.
I liked the feeling of the room dimly lit by my lamp (which was actually pretty bright)
and how i made sure i'd be listening to lady antabellum at quarter past one.
I remember our skype conversations
in which we talked about nothing
or sat in silence, doing our own things but hearing everyone's breathing.
 
And then. I remember when we stopped.
_

Am I allowed to miss you?

I miss hanging out
I miss chatting
I miss walking together in silence
I miss sitting together in silence
I miss laughing with you
I miss smiling at you
I miss that easy friendship

But maybe that friendship was never there anyway.
At least not in the way I thought.

_

2010 closure: five

okay so i lied
i'm sorry but i can't post the last one.
it's... just..
well... i can't do it.
it's too personal. too blatantly pathetic.
but i also can't bring myself to delete it.
so... uhh.. yea.
let me hang on to one thing from 2010 okay?
it'll probably end up in a folder i have, specifically for things like this lol

So Mac quoted this to me from How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe: A Novel

" I don't miss him any more. Most of the time, anyway. I want to. I wish I could but unfortunately, it's true: time does heal. It will do so whether you like it or not, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. If you're not careful, time will take away everything that ever hurt you, everything you have ever lost, and replace it with knowledge. Time is a machine: it will convert your pain into experience. Raw data will be compiled, will be translated into a more comprehensible language. The individual events of your life will be transmuted into another substance called memory and in the mechanism something will be lost and you will never be able to reverse it, you will never again have the original moment back in its uncategorised, preprocessed state. It will force you to move on and you will not have a choice in the matter. "


and well. it really got to me.
(i really want to read this book now)
but i also felt that it was a good way to end my year of thinking about the past and being emo and regretful etc etc
and
all that jazz.
 
_

As promised. Some sentiment. And reflection.

I've been meaning to write a new entry for awhile but I've been busy... doing god knows what.
This is gonna be pretty  LONG. I shoulda written a separate entries instead of just one. But I kinda fell behind on my blogging.

ANYWAY.
So at the old people's home/nursing home where my grandpa now lives..
there's this old couple.
He's 80 something and she's in her late 70s.
They're always sitting side by side in their wheelchairs.
And everytime I see them, they're holding hands.
It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen.
lol.
The only time i see them not holding hands is when they're having lunch.
And straight after they finish eating, he reaches over and grabs her hand.
Even someone like me, who isn't all that sure about marriage, thinks it would be great to have what that they have.
I mean sure, what do outsiders like me know?
But when you're old and you can't walk, you can't talk much and all you do is sit there everyday watching tv or sitting by the window and being taken care of by nurses...
I think that if you know that the person you love will be there, holding your hand, giving you hope and comfort.
...and that you have the person who loves you the most in the world by your side.
Then you're pretty freaking lucky.
It seems to me that it's very hard to obtain that sort of love in this world. At least for me.
BUT they kind of make me feel like it's possible to be in love with someone for as long as you live.
It's like when you ask for someone's "hand in marriage" you're taking their hand, promising to never let go and be their companion forever, through thick and thin.
And to me, this old couple embodies that idea.
....
OMG SO CHEESY
sorry guys ^^;;;;;;

I feel like I need some pictures in here to grab people's attention.
But i got nothin'
You can just stop reading if you like.
-everyone closes the tab/window-

So I don't know how many people that went to BBI remember, but in year 8 we played 'Chariots of Fire' in the orchestra.
Anyone remember? Ryan? Sarah? Allan? Remember?
I have lots of great memories linked to that piece of music.
Practising it in orchestra, preparing for the year 8 production, not having to go to class cause of the rehearsals.
So I was sitting in a noodle shop the other day (those tiny ones with no air conditioning, fold out tables and thosee cheap plastic chairs) and suddenly Chariots of Fire came on.
The weirdest feeling came over me when i heard it.
And suddenly I was reminded of the first time our orchestra played this piece from start to finish. And the overwhelming feeling it brought. I don't know about everyone else, but at that time, I was so moved by it.
Okay it's probaly because of the music. It's an amazing piece and just listening to it...  something... just wells up in my heart.
And well... it made me feel so close to everyone in the orchestra at that moment.
Also, the fact that our orchestra (which was not that great to be perfectly honest xp) was able to play it was pretty amazing lol... At the time, it felt like we achieved something together.
I don't know why i felt the need to blog about this!
I guess it was the place juxtaposing with the music and then the sudden rush of memories.
It was... a really odd feeling.
The only downside to all this is that I am unable to remove those stupid lyrics Mrs Vercoe (the music teacher) wrote (to go with it for the production) from my memory.
UGH. They were SO so so so.... ugh....
><"


listen to it.
^^

Okay so I was gonna write about one more thing... But honestly, I cbf. It's not very interesting (because the above was SO interesting ==")
But yea.
This has gone on long enough.
So.
Until next time.
uh...
I remain your faithful and humble servant..

_

I'm sorry i've disappointed you.

Dear 13, 14, 15 year old self. I bet you'd be really diappointed if you saw me now.
I didn't want to turn out like this.
I don't know how it happened.
Please forgive me.

I guess sometimes in life reality hits you hard, and you realize that you've walked down a path that ultimately leads to failure.
And well. I hate it.
I really hate it.
It's not too late to turn back. I guess it's never too late to turn back.
Well. Never is a bit unrealistic.
It's not too late now at least.

But..
It's just not that easy. I'm just not sure what to do.
I don't really know how to change...
What happened?
I can think of a million reasons. I guess I should call them excuses?
But in the end, I know I have no one to blame but myself
I make/made the most difference in my own life.

You knew what you wanted to do, wanted to be, wanted to turn out like.
But I can't remember what those things were.
I just know that what I am now isn't what you wanted.
I wish i could go back and warn you.
You were so hopeful of the future.
I wish I could stop you from turning into me.
I wish that instead, that you could've become someone else.
The person you wanted to be and thought you'd be.

_