I miss you. I miss you so much lately. I don't know why. Maybe it's just because mum told me that they were going to go visit you today. I wish I could be there. I'm sorry I haven't gone to see you since we put you to rest. But you understand right? I admit, I could have gone back to Taiwan over the summer and I could have visited you then, but I didn't. I'm sorry.
I don't know if there really is an afterlife but I hope you're in a good place. I wonder if you know that I'm thinking of you. I wonder if they have a system there where if someone on Earth thinks of you, you are informed of it. Maybe it's like a short note, or letter, or, god forbid, a facebook notification. Maybe it's like a mail system and once a month or something each person would line up to receive their messages or things that their family has burnt for them. Since mum and dad and Daniel are going to see you today, maybe my message I'm writing will be carried to you too. Maybe you'll be able read this blog post and know that I miss you and that I am thinking of you. And it would have been magically translated into Chinese so you could understand. Or is the world you're in one that isn't restricted by languages and everyone is able to communicate freely? Ever since your funeral, I've regretted that letter I wrote that we cremated along with you. That was a badly written letter. I was reluctant to write it because I didn't want to say goodbye. That letter never fully expressed how I felt.
I'm sorry that the few years before you passed away I hated visiting you. You seemed so miserable. You were so sick and unable to walk or to talk. It made me sad to see you like that because you used to never shut up. You were always telling stories or lecturing someone or giving your opinion on something. I hated not being able to hear you talk anymore and I hated being scared that I'd forget your voice. I hated wondering if you were really looking at me and listening to me or if your eyes were just glazed over and your mind was elsewhere. Slowly, you didn't really seem like a person to me anymore and it was like I'd forgotten what it was like to interact with you. But when you passed away, I couldn't stop reminiscing.
Do you remember how you used to be the one who got all our photos developed for us and put into albums and you would write cute captions and slip them in alongside the photo?
Do you remember how you used to sit at the desk behind me, writing while I practiced piano and you would tell me off each time I stopped playing out of frustration when I played mistakes. "just play on," you said, "pretend you didn't make a mistake and just continue. What if you were in a concert and you made a mistake, would you stop the whole performance? Just gloss over it and continue"
Do you remember how silly you thought I was but delighted you were when I declared that you and I were friends?
Do you remember how I would banter with you endlessly in the car when we went on family roadtrips? And we bet on the time that we would get home?
Do you remember how I used to watch korean dramas with you and I'd get so angry at the characters and you would laugh at me.
Do you remember you promising you'd buy me a house when I got older and then giving me a house shaped money box/piggy bank and said that was it =="
Do you remember constantly asking me if I had a boyfriend and when I said no and suggested you introduce some to me, you asked me if I liked really old men cause you only knew people your age.
I remember how you always loved me more because you thought grandma didn't love me enough. You thought I was the least favored child in the family so you favored me. You wanted to make up for the love I was deprived of from grandma. You even accused her of being sexist and loving the boy grandchild more.
Can you see me now? Are you worried about me? (Stupid question, of course you are. you worry about everything). Do you still believe in me? Are you disappointed? I'm sorry.
maybe you could still cheer me on from wherever you are.
_
Showing posts with label reminiscing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reminiscing. Show all posts
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
snippets from europe trip 2008
I remember that night when we were on the Greek island of Paros when we were walking back to the hotel, I was just so filled with elation and happiness I literally felt drunk. Louis kept asking me "Amy, are you drunk?" and no matter how much I insisted I wasn't, he didn't believe me.
Maybe it was just being 17 in a foreign country being carried by a soft breeze on a beautiful island surrounded by friends and strangers. Maybe it was the sound of the sea or the string of lights on the other side of the island or the moon reflecting off the rocks next to the beach.
I will never ever ever forget that feeling.
_
Maybe it was just being 17 in a foreign country being carried by a soft breeze on a beautiful island surrounded by friends and strangers. Maybe it was the sound of the sea or the string of lights on the other side of the island or the moon reflecting off the rocks next to the beach.
I will never ever ever forget that feeling.
_
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
300
I remember the film 300 was R16 and when it came out my best friend and I both really wanted to see it but we weren't 16 yet but because we were both only off by a few weeks (our birthdays are really close) we tried to beg the guy at the ticket booth to let us in but he wouldn't and we were both disappointed.
Okay so I've actually been trying to write a proper new entry for ages but I can't come up with anything cause I'm useless (well okay it's not that I can't come up with anything but more like I can't finish what I start but anyway that still makes me useless) but I just noticed that this will be my 300th published entry so I felt like I should acknowledge it.
I know that my blog has gone to shit but I also know that there are a FEW people who still read it and get the occasional emo/angsty update on my life so I just wanna say I love you guys and I wish my blog was better. I keep trying to start new blogs but I still like this one the most. I think I should give up my unrealistic dream of blogging for a living because to be honest, my life is extremely uninteresting and I am not as eloquent as I like to be.
HOWEVER I don't think I'll ever stop blogging because I will forever be someone who wants to rant and write badly on the internet and have an invisible audience.
HOPEFULLY though, maybe one day I can start up a travel blog. I think that would be the best thing ever.
Anyway, I know that I've had this blog since the end of my first year of uni and someone more dedicated would probably have more posts by now but alas, I am not that someone. I shall try harder in the future. But no promises. You guys know me by now.
Okay, that's barely any sentiment but that's certainly enough for this post.
_
Okay so I've actually been trying to write a proper new entry for ages but I can't come up with anything cause I'm useless (well okay it's not that I can't come up with anything but more like I can't finish what I start but anyway that still makes me useless) but I just noticed that this will be my 300th published entry so I felt like I should acknowledge it.
I know that my blog has gone to shit but I also know that there are a FEW people who still read it and get the occasional emo/angsty update on my life so I just wanna say I love you guys and I wish my blog was better. I keep trying to start new blogs but I still like this one the most. I think I should give up my unrealistic dream of blogging for a living because to be honest, my life is extremely uninteresting and I am not as eloquent as I like to be.
HOWEVER I don't think I'll ever stop blogging because I will forever be someone who wants to rant and write badly on the internet and have an invisible audience.
HOPEFULLY though, maybe one day I can start up a travel blog. I think that would be the best thing ever.
Anyway, I know that I've had this blog since the end of my first year of uni and someone more dedicated would probably have more posts by now but alas, I am not that someone. I shall try harder in the future. But no promises. You guys know me by now.
Okay, that's barely any sentiment but that's certainly enough for this post.
_
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I miss playing in the school orchestra
in high school it was the concert band, I guess..
I know, I know, we weren't very good.
But nevertheless, it was still a lot of fun.
It's not only my flute playing that I miss, it's the feeling of arriving in the hall or the music room and setting up the chairs and music stands.
Everyone knew where they were supposed to be, where they were supposed to set up.
I miss the rustle of paper when everyone pulled out their sheet music, flipped the pages back and forth and compared their annotations.
I miss that cacophany created by everyone tuning and warming up their instruments.
ahhh
good times.
I miss being part of something I guess?
I miss that feeling of happiness and sense of accomplishment when we played something the whole way through.
I miss thinking "Damn, we sounded really good that time"
_
I know, I know, we weren't very good.
But nevertheless, it was still a lot of fun.
It's not only my flute playing that I miss, it's the feeling of arriving in the hall or the music room and setting up the chairs and music stands.
Everyone knew where they were supposed to be, where they were supposed to set up.
I miss the rustle of paper when everyone pulled out their sheet music, flipped the pages back and forth and compared their annotations.
I miss that cacophany created by everyone tuning and warming up their instruments.
ahhh
good times.
I miss being part of something I guess?
I miss that feeling of happiness and sense of accomplishment when we played something the whole way through.
I miss thinking "Damn, we sounded really good that time"
_
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I wonder if they read this, if each of my old friends would be able to pick out the ones referring to them. I wonder how much they remember.
remember when we talked everyday?
remember when we hung out?
remember when you said i'd better not forget you?
and I said i'd never do such a thing?
remember when i knew what was going on in your life
and you knew what was going on in mine?
When i could predict your response to my questions?
(beacuse i asked them to hear that specific response and you knew that so you obliged?)
remember when you didn't seem so far away?
Remember?
Remember when I went to you when i was troubled?
and you came to me?
remember when my name was said in conjunction to yours?
remember when you always stuck up for me?
remember when you let me copy your homework?
and when i helped you cheat in that test?
remember when i'd txt you when i finished my essays?
remember laughing so hard we couldn't breathe?
remember sitting at the back in maths class and mucking around?
remember our immature ruler jokes? and your not being about to tell the difference between a compass and a protractor? and how we never let that one slide?
remember our stupid code names?
and the word association games we played to come up with them?
remember talking on the phone everyday?
remember txting everyday?
remember chasing each other around the empty classroom?
remember when you pretended to choke me everytime you saw me?
remember playing cards during lunchtimes in the empty psych room?
remember helping me pass that level on supermario galaxy?
remember telling me how your cake collapsed?
remember playing the song lyrics game?
remember telling me what songs to listen to?
remember your stupid birthday muffin? with the stupid 'candles'?
remember our failed suprise party?
remember how you named my plushies after the boys in the class and I got mad?
remember text information management? remember Mr Clarke?
remember 'swanlings'?
remember when our japanese teacher said "is that a door?" to a window?
and we couldn't stop laughing everytime we mentioned it?
remember when we tried to make you let your hair down?
remember going to the library in the mornings?
and sitting around that one table?
remember calling me up at 12am so we could work out a maths problem?
remember when I yelled at you all the time?
remember when we wrote each other emails?
remember doing homework at each other's houses?
remember when I fell off the bus when I was on the phone to you?
remember when I plaited your hair?
remember our msn mass convos?
remember blogging? msn spaces?
remember writing ridiculous testimonials for each other on hi5?
remember eating behind our textbooks in japanese class?
remember falling asleep in japanese class?
remember calling each other after we'd both cried?
remember playing truth or dare in english class?
and being dared to touch the teacher's hair?
remember the relief when we discovered we all hated the same person?
remember our spot under the stairs?
and then on the stairs? (or was it the other way around?)
remember playing netball in that pouring rain at lunchtime?
and arriving to class completely drenched?
remember our fail sticker photos?
remember sitting outside the public library?
remember our secrets?
remember our idiocy?
now i never see you
now i only bump into you on the stairs at uni
now i see you at bus stops but don't stop to say hi
now i txt you once in awhile to say we should catch up.. but we don't
now i can only like the things you post on facebook
now when we bump into each other i wonder awkwardly if we should hug
now i sometimes don't recognise you until a few seconds too late for me to say hi
now i avoid you at all costs
but still, my ears perk up when i hear your name
but still I miss you
to all my friends that I've lost...
I wish I hadn't screwed up.
I wish you were all still by my side.
not that i don't love my current friends to bits.
cause i do.
but still.
_
remember when we hung out?
remember when you said i'd better not forget you?
and I said i'd never do such a thing?
remember when i knew what was going on in your life
and you knew what was going on in mine?
When i could predict your response to my questions?
(beacuse i asked them to hear that specific response and you knew that so you obliged?)
remember when you didn't seem so far away?
Remember?
Remember when I went to you when i was troubled?
and you came to me?
remember when my name was said in conjunction to yours?
remember when you always stuck up for me?
remember when you let me copy your homework?
and when i helped you cheat in that test?
remember when i'd txt you when i finished my essays?
remember laughing so hard we couldn't breathe?
remember sitting at the back in maths class and mucking around?
remember our immature ruler jokes? and your not being about to tell the difference between a compass and a protractor? and how we never let that one slide?
remember our stupid code names?
and the word association games we played to come up with them?
remember talking on the phone everyday?
remember txting everyday?
remember chasing each other around the empty classroom?
remember when you pretended to choke me everytime you saw me?
remember playing cards during lunchtimes in the empty psych room?
remember helping me pass that level on supermario galaxy?
remember telling me how your cake collapsed?
remember playing the song lyrics game?
remember telling me what songs to listen to?
remember your stupid birthday muffin? with the stupid 'candles'?
remember our failed suprise party?
remember how you named my plushies after the boys in the class and I got mad?
remember text information management? remember Mr Clarke?
remember 'swanlings'?
remember when our japanese teacher said "is that a door?" to a window?
and we couldn't stop laughing everytime we mentioned it?
remember when we tried to make you let your hair down?
remember going to the library in the mornings?
and sitting around that one table?
remember calling me up at 12am so we could work out a maths problem?
remember when I yelled at you all the time?
remember when we wrote each other emails?
remember doing homework at each other's houses?
remember when I fell off the bus when I was on the phone to you?
remember when I plaited your hair?
remember our msn mass convos?
remember blogging? msn spaces?
remember writing ridiculous testimonials for each other on hi5?
remember eating behind our textbooks in japanese class?
remember falling asleep in japanese class?
remember calling each other after we'd both cried?
remember playing truth or dare in english class?
and being dared to touch the teacher's hair?
remember the relief when we discovered we all hated the same person?
remember our spot under the stairs?
and then on the stairs? (or was it the other way around?)
remember playing netball in that pouring rain at lunchtime?
and arriving to class completely drenched?
remember our fail sticker photos?
remember sitting outside the public library?
remember our secrets?
remember our idiocy?
now i never see you
now i only bump into you on the stairs at uni
now i see you at bus stops but don't stop to say hi
now i txt you once in awhile to say we should catch up.. but we don't
now i can only like the things you post on facebook
now when we bump into each other i wonder awkwardly if we should hug
now i sometimes don't recognise you until a few seconds too late for me to say hi
now i avoid you at all costs
but still, my ears perk up when i hear your name
but still I miss you
to all my friends that I've lost...
I wish I hadn't screwed up.
I wish you were all still by my side.
not that i don't love my current friends to bits.
cause i do.
but still.
_
Sunday, July 31, 2011
old photo!
OMG! old emo photo!
i LOVED this photo when i first took it... rofl~
i think it was... in year 11? hm maybe year 12 actually...
i miss that hair! omg... T^T
i also LOVED that top but i never wore it out.. i only wore it at home cause it was "too cute" for me so i was embarrassed... it was a super adorable top.. sigh..... i miss it. i probably still wouldn't wear it now.. i didnt get any cuter since then.. O_o rofl~
and the lighting next to the window in my old room at my old house in the mid to late afternoon was really good for camwhoring...
also for reading. but my mum also raged at me for leaning against the glass of my french doors cause sunlight apparently makes glass brittle and she didnt want the glass to break and she didnt want to come into my room and find me impaled on a jagged edge of the broken door.
sigh. i miss my old room.
yea, sorry i was going through old files and stuff and found this..
i think the next few entries are gonna be like this O_o
or maybe ii'll make it a recurring thing.. like.. if i have nothing to write about but i feel like writing i'll pick an old photo and write some stuff about it.
this is gonna be fun!! ^^
for me anyway...
lol~
_
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