Dear Grandpa

I miss you. I miss you so much lately. I don't know why. Maybe it's just because mum told me that they were going to go visit you today. I wish I could be there. I'm sorry I haven't gone to see you since we put you to rest. But you understand right? I admit, I could have gone back to Taiwan over the summer and I could have visited you then, but I didn't. I'm sorry.

I don't know if there really is an afterlife but I hope you're in a good place. I wonder if you know that I'm thinking of you. I wonder if they have a system there where if someone on Earth thinks of you, you are informed of it. Maybe it's like a short note, or letter, or, god forbid, a facebook notification. Maybe it's like a mail system and once a month or something each person would line up to receive their messages or things that their family has burnt for them. Since mum and dad and Daniel are going to see you today, maybe my message I'm writing will be carried to you too. Maybe you'll be able read this blog post and know that I miss you and that I am thinking of you. And it would have been magically translated into Chinese so you could understand. Or is the world you're in one that isn't restricted by languages and everyone is able to communicate freely? Ever since your funeral, I've regretted that letter I wrote that we cremated along with you. That was a badly written letter. I was reluctant to write it because I didn't want to say goodbye. That letter never fully expressed how I felt.

I'm sorry that the few years before you passed away I hated visiting you. You seemed so miserable. You were so sick and unable to walk or to talk. It made me sad to see you like that because you used to never shut up. You were always telling stories or lecturing someone or giving your opinion on something. I hated not being able to hear you talk anymore and I hated being scared that I'd forget your voice. I hated wondering if you were really looking at me and listening to me or if your eyes were just glazed over and your mind was elsewhere. Slowly, you didn't really seem like a person to me anymore and it was like I'd forgotten what it was like to interact with you. But when you passed away, I couldn't stop reminiscing.

Do you remember how you used to be the one who got all our photos developed for us and put into albums and you would write cute captions and slip them in alongside the photo?
Do you remember how you used to sit at the desk behind me, writing while I practiced piano and you would tell me off each time I stopped playing out of frustration when I played mistakes. "just play on," you said, "pretend you didn't make a mistake and just continue. What if you were in a concert and you made a mistake, would you stop the whole performance? Just gloss over it and continue"
Do you remember how silly you thought I was but delighted you were when I declared that you and I were friends?
Do you remember how I would banter with you endlessly in the car when we went on family roadtrips? And we bet on the time that we would get home?
Do you remember how I used to watch korean dramas with you and I'd get so angry at the characters and you would laugh at me.
Do you remember you promising you'd buy me a house when I got older and then giving me a house shaped money box/piggy bank and said that was it =="
Do you remember constantly asking me if I had a boyfriend and when I said no and suggested you introduce some to me, you asked me if I liked really old men cause you only knew people your age.

I remember how you always loved me more because you thought grandma didn't love me enough. You thought I was the least favored child in the family so you favored me. You wanted to make up for the love I was deprived of from grandma. You even accused her of being sexist and loving the boy grandchild more.

Can you see me now? Are you worried about me? (Stupid question, of course you are. you worry about everything). Do you still believe in me? Are you disappointed? I'm sorry.
maybe you could still cheer me on from wherever you are.

_