Ranting (haven't done one of these in awhile)

Been finding it so hard to get to sleep lately.
Oh insomnia, why must you torture me like this every night? If you love company so much, why don't you just spend time with misery, he loves company too. (HAR HAR HAR AMY YOU'RE SO  HILARIOUS AND CLEVER.)
Even when I do manage to sleep, it brings me no satisfaction or comfort, and I don't feel refreshed at all when I wake up.
I hate this ><
I really wish I could use sleep as a form of escape, like I am used to doing, (since I've been rather unhappy again these past 2 weeks) but it seems my scumbag brain is refusing to let me do so.
Arrrggghhhhhhh and my body is now unable to handle allnighters >< so I can't even adjust my sleeping pattern.
Sigh.
WHY CAN'T I SLEEP
And I was even tired as hell today ><
Ahhh my eyes freaking hurt from being a little bitch and crying again (really, really gotta stop doing that)

I miss my rebellious/'cool'/wannabebadass teenage years when I was oddly emotionless at times and never seemed to be able to cry. My eyes were always oddly dry at times in which tears seemed appropriate.

Now I cry at every. Damn. Thing.

"Omg Dan and Steph on MKR are such an adorable couple" *cries*
"Omg advertising in which a child runs up to their mother" *cries*
"Omg I'm struggling with finding a job" *cries*
"Omg I miss my friends" *cries*
"Omg my boyfriend loves me" *cries*

I really need to cut it out ==
I cry too much, my eyes aren't gonna be able to take it.
WHY AM I SO WEAK?!

I think I'm a little off topic. The real question is, WHY CAN'T I FREAKING SLEEP?!
Well I guess I kinda know the answer to that question.. but still TT I want sleep. PLEAAAASE. I NEED A BUTTERFREE TO USE SLEEP POWDER ON ME.
I need to stop being so lame @.@

Sigh.

Mommy is gonna kill me if she finds out I'm still awake at this time.

Is it past witching hour yet? Can the BFG come and blow a dream into my window?

I miss having a bedside lamp! I wanna read ><

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Sigh, time for another one of THESE posts

Just had a talk with mum and I feel like I'm a complete failure.
I've disappointed myself, and I've completely disappointed my parents.
I've gone through life not thinking about my future, not planning for it and then, BAM
grown up life is no longer very far away.
And I hate this place that I'm at.
I hate what I do, and yet, I can't not do it. I've no other path to go down.
I've become lazy and useless. I'm no longer clever, I'm no longer hardworking.
I havent accomplished ANYTHING I set out to do, mainly cause I kept changing my mind.
And even now, I still keep changing it.
I don't want to do postgrad
but here I am, doing it.
I can blame my parents for forcing this upon me, but really, it's not their fault.
They let me choose to major in English, which I've also grown to hate.
I didn't think ahead. I didn't think "maybe I should do Bcom, that'd be more useful"
I'd wanted to study Japanese, but because of complications, I just gave it up.
I'd wanted to do creative writing but then decided I didn't like the way they taught it.
I'm not passionate about anything.
What happened to me? I used to be so ambitious, so independant.
Now I'm actually saying "hmm I guess I wouldn't mind doing a 9-5 job, I follow instructions well anyway"
I'm actually saying to my parents "you guys think i'm much smarter than I actually am" whereas I used to say "I'll prove that I'm smarter than you think"
I wanna give up postgrad and just work
but then, who'd actually hire me?
Why am I once again, starting something and not intending on finishing it?
I've gone through life not giving a damn and I've relied on the little bit of 'smarts' I was blessed with to get me through life. I've done okay in school. Pretty well in high school.
But things are different now. That can't save me anymore.
I have to take action. DO something with my miserable life.
It's like I still havent learnt my fucking lesson. I'm still doing assignments last mintue and just skimming the readings. wtf is wrong with me.
I'm gonna regret this.
My mother's right.
I DO have a plan for what I wanna do in, say, the next 6 to 7 years... But knowing me, I probably won't do it, right?
My parents say "just get through your masters, it's another 2 years, tops"
But the though of that just kills me. But maybe I should force myself to do it. To prove that I can. To prove that I'm still able to work hard. But the thought of it just seriously kills me. I don't WANT to do it. But I can't do anything else. And who's to say that I won't need the staus that this MA gives me?
Say i DO become a teacher, what if I just end up doing that for the rest of my life?
What if one day I realise I'm 50 and I spent my life doing what I swore would only be a few years so I could save up?

"Stop complaining. Since you know what's wrong, change. DO something. Make things different"
YEA I KNOW.
But it's really hard.
I'm scared.

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Horrible Histories

In one of the episodes of QI, they talked about animals being trained to be useful in wars.
Russians trained dogs to run under tanks by putting food underneath tanks. They did this so that in the war they could tie a bomb to the dog and the dog would run under an enemy tank and blow it up.
It's horrible isn't it.
Anyway so I relayed this fact to my brother and he said "I know"
It wasn't that much of a suprise since he knows everything anyway ==" but because he's ususally not all that interested in history I asked "oh, how'd you know?"
and he said "you told me, back when you used to read those 'Horrible Histories' books"
And I was like "wow really?"
cool story aye.

lol the point is, I can't believe I don't remember having read that and told him about it! Also, why does he remember????
Do I not absorb the things I read?? Ugh I guess I better work on that.... Then again, I read all those books when I was in PRIMARY SCHOOL. Maybe my brother just has a ridiculously good memory.

anyway, it backfired because the dogs recognised the russian tanks as having food under them as opposed to the enemy ones so they just ended up heading towards their own tanks.

Fun, huh.

Those books like horrible histories, horrible science, murderous maths, dead famous etc etc were so great haha^^


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