Sigh, time for another one of THESE posts

Just had a talk with mum and I feel like I'm a complete failure.
I've disappointed myself, and I've completely disappointed my parents.
I've gone through life not thinking about my future, not planning for it and then, BAM
grown up life is no longer very far away.
And I hate this place that I'm at.
I hate what I do, and yet, I can't not do it. I've no other path to go down.
I've become lazy and useless. I'm no longer clever, I'm no longer hardworking.
I havent accomplished ANYTHING I set out to do, mainly cause I kept changing my mind.
And even now, I still keep changing it.
I don't want to do postgrad
but here I am, doing it.
I can blame my parents for forcing this upon me, but really, it's not their fault.
They let me choose to major in English, which I've also grown to hate.
I didn't think ahead. I didn't think "maybe I should do Bcom, that'd be more useful"
I'd wanted to study Japanese, but because of complications, I just gave it up.
I'd wanted to do creative writing but then decided I didn't like the way they taught it.
I'm not passionate about anything.
What happened to me? I used to be so ambitious, so independant.
Now I'm actually saying "hmm I guess I wouldn't mind doing a 9-5 job, I follow instructions well anyway"
I'm actually saying to my parents "you guys think i'm much smarter than I actually am" whereas I used to say "I'll prove that I'm smarter than you think"
I wanna give up postgrad and just work
but then, who'd actually hire me?
Why am I once again, starting something and not intending on finishing it?
I've gone through life not giving a damn and I've relied on the little bit of 'smarts' I was blessed with to get me through life. I've done okay in school. Pretty well in high school.
But things are different now. That can't save me anymore.
I have to take action. DO something with my miserable life.
It's like I still havent learnt my fucking lesson. I'm still doing assignments last mintue and just skimming the readings. wtf is wrong with me.
I'm gonna regret this.
My mother's right.
I DO have a plan for what I wanna do in, say, the next 6 to 7 years... But knowing me, I probably won't do it, right?
My parents say "just get through your masters, it's another 2 years, tops"
But the though of that just kills me. But maybe I should force myself to do it. To prove that I can. To prove that I'm still able to work hard. But the thought of it just seriously kills me. I don't WANT to do it. But I can't do anything else. And who's to say that I won't need the staus that this MA gives me?
Say i DO become a teacher, what if I just end up doing that for the rest of my life?
What if one day I realise I'm 50 and I spent my life doing what I swore would only be a few years so I could save up?

"Stop complaining. Since you know what's wrong, change. DO something. Make things different"
YEA I KNOW.
But it's really hard.
I'm scared.

_

"When will you realize, vienna waits for you?"

Slow down, you crazy child.
You're so ambitious for a juvenile.
But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out.
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine.
You can't be everything you wanna be before your time,
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.
Too bad, but it's the life you lead.
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.
Though you can see when you're wrong,
You know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right.

You've got your passion. You've got your pride,
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child.
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.
It's all right you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
Why don't you realize Vienna waits for you?
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

_

Suddenly filled with unease.

 

_

Why is it like this?

Why does it have to be like this?

When I feel a crack, a gap, a chasm
I immediately back away because I don't want to be swallowed whole by it.
I'm scared.
So I draw back.
Instead of trying to bridge the gap, I turn away.
I don't want to fall.

_

I'm sick of this.

Sick of maybe.
Sick of being lost
Sick of being unsure.

I want certainty.
I want conviction
I want to wake up in the morning
and just KNOW
that I'm doing what I want to do
I'm where I want to be
I'm with who I want to be with.

why is that so hard?

_