Sigh, time for another one of THESE posts

Just had a talk with mum and I feel like I'm a complete failure.
I've disappointed myself, and I've completely disappointed my parents.
I've gone through life not thinking about my future, not planning for it and then, BAM
grown up life is no longer very far away.
And I hate this place that I'm at.
I hate what I do, and yet, I can't not do it. I've no other path to go down.
I've become lazy and useless. I'm no longer clever, I'm no longer hardworking.
I havent accomplished ANYTHING I set out to do, mainly cause I kept changing my mind.
And even now, I still keep changing it.
I don't want to do postgrad
but here I am, doing it.
I can blame my parents for forcing this upon me, but really, it's not their fault.
They let me choose to major in English, which I've also grown to hate.
I didn't think ahead. I didn't think "maybe I should do Bcom, that'd be more useful"
I'd wanted to study Japanese, but because of complications, I just gave it up.
I'd wanted to do creative writing but then decided I didn't like the way they taught it.
I'm not passionate about anything.
What happened to me? I used to be so ambitious, so independant.
Now I'm actually saying "hmm I guess I wouldn't mind doing a 9-5 job, I follow instructions well anyway"
I'm actually saying to my parents "you guys think i'm much smarter than I actually am" whereas I used to say "I'll prove that I'm smarter than you think"
I wanna give up postgrad and just work
but then, who'd actually hire me?
Why am I once again, starting something and not intending on finishing it?
I've gone through life not giving a damn and I've relied on the little bit of 'smarts' I was blessed with to get me through life. I've done okay in school. Pretty well in high school.
But things are different now. That can't save me anymore.
I have to take action. DO something with my miserable life.
It's like I still havent learnt my fucking lesson. I'm still doing assignments last mintue and just skimming the readings. wtf is wrong with me.
I'm gonna regret this.
My mother's right.
I DO have a plan for what I wanna do in, say, the next 6 to 7 years... But knowing me, I probably won't do it, right?
My parents say "just get through your masters, it's another 2 years, tops"
But the though of that just kills me. But maybe I should force myself to do it. To prove that I can. To prove that I'm still able to work hard. But the thought of it just seriously kills me. I don't WANT to do it. But I can't do anything else. And who's to say that I won't need the staus that this MA gives me?
Say i DO become a teacher, what if I just end up doing that for the rest of my life?
What if one day I realise I'm 50 and I spent my life doing what I swore would only be a few years so I could save up?

"Stop complaining. Since you know what's wrong, change. DO something. Make things different"
YEA I KNOW.
But it's really hard.
I'm scared.

_

Today... and by today i mean yesterday

I felt like a bitch.
I felt like being a bitch.
I seemed like a bitch.
I acted like a bitch.
In short,
I was a bitch.

I feel terrible.
And then again, I don't.
But then... that's not true.
I'm just trying to be self righteous about it.

I'm sorry.
I was just moody.
But.
Maybe it was that mood that allowed me to express everything i wanted to express.
I'm sick of trying.
I'm sick of pretending that i can put up with bullshit.
And yet, who am I to think that I should be allowed to act immature, to not compromise, to suddenly decide that i want to be someone different?
Who am i to decide suddenly that what i've been trying to protect all this time is no longer worth protecting?
Who am i to suddenly shatter everything that's been built?
Who am i to be so selfish?
And i have no right whatsoever to expect things from people.
I have no right to think in the way that i do.
I have no right to put pressure on people
I have no right to expect them to see things the way i do.
I have no right to inflict my standards upon them.
I have no right to demand something of the people around me.
And certainly no right to get mad if they don't act in the way i wish they would.

Who am i to say "oh i trusted you, I cared about you, I tried my best to understand you, I would never do that to you"?
Who am i to think ANYONE gives a damn?

I marvel at my ability to hurt.
How i can so casually wound someone.
How words can pierce. The pen is mightier than the sword, right? -smiles-
How easy it is for me to become the antagonist in the twisted plot of life.
And yet.
I'm not here, feeling sorry for myself.
I don't know, maybe i am.

And then, i marvel at how easy it is for people to feel sorry for themselves.
And how easy it is to make someone feel sorry for you.
how easy it is for someone to stop feeling sorry for you.
how easy it is to say "i'm sorry" and mean it, but make the same mistake again and agian.
how easy it is to understand someone's logic but disagree with them completely.
how easy it is to tell someone everything will work out, that everything will be okay.
How easily some things DO work out.
and then..
How easily things fall apart again straight after that.

_

I put my faith in you

What a stupid thing to do.

I'm so disappointed.

Maybe I'm not the world's best friend.
Maybe I'm not always being as good a friend as I should be
But. I try. Really hard.
And everything I do.... it's because I actually think you're a good friend of mine. One of my best friends.
and yet, time and time again... you disapppoint me.

Maybe I'm overreacting.
But i don't think this is even about what happened...
more about your attitude.
Do you honestly think what you did wasn't even a little bit wrong?
Do you honestly not understand why I got mad?

I'm always on your side.
And i thought you'd be on mine.
I'm too stupid.
maybe.
and maybe i was stupid for thinking that i was different
and that you wouldn't use me to your advantage.
but you did.
you sold me out...
and for what exactly?
I don't even know...

I honestly... wonder why i ever bothered.
And maybe... i should stop bothering.

_