Just had a talk with mum and I feel like I'm a complete failure.
I've disappointed myself, and I've completely disappointed my parents.
I've gone through life not thinking about my future, not planning for it and then, BAM
grown up life is no longer very far away.
And I hate this place that I'm at.
I hate what I do, and yet, I can't not do it. I've no other path to go down.
I've become lazy and useless. I'm no longer clever, I'm no longer hardworking.
I havent accomplished ANYTHING I set out to do, mainly cause I kept changing my mind.
And even now, I still keep changing it.
I don't want to do postgrad
but here I am, doing it.
I can blame my parents for forcing this upon me, but really, it's not their fault.
They let me choose to major in English, which I've also grown to hate.
I didn't think ahead. I didn't think "maybe I should do Bcom, that'd be more useful"
I'd wanted to study Japanese, but because of complications, I just gave it up.
I'd wanted to do creative writing but then decided I didn't like the way they taught it.
I'm not passionate about anything.
What happened to me? I used to be so ambitious, so independant.
Now I'm actually saying "hmm I guess I wouldn't mind doing a 9-5 job, I follow instructions well anyway"
I'm actually saying to my parents "you guys think i'm much smarter than I actually am" whereas I used to say "I'll prove that I'm smarter than you think"
I wanna give up postgrad and just work
but then, who'd actually hire me?
Why am I once again, starting something and not intending on finishing it?
I've gone through life not giving a damn and I've relied on the little bit of 'smarts' I was blessed with to get me through life. I've done okay in school. Pretty well in high school.
But things are different now. That can't save me anymore.
I have to take action. DO something with my miserable life.
It's like I still havent learnt my fucking lesson. I'm still doing assignments last mintue and just skimming the readings. wtf is wrong with me.
I'm gonna regret this.
My mother's right.
I DO have a plan for what I wanna do in, say, the next 6 to 7 years... But knowing me, I probably won't do it, right?
My parents say "just get through your masters, it's another 2 years, tops"
But the though of that just kills me. But maybe I should force myself to do it. To prove that I can. To prove that I'm still able to work hard. But the thought of it just seriously kills me. I don't WANT to do it. But I can't do anything else. And who's to say that I won't need the staus that this MA gives me?
Say i DO become a teacher, what if I just end up doing that for the rest of my life?
What if one day I realise I'm 50 and I spent my life doing what I swore would only be a few years so I could save up?
"Stop complaining. Since you know what's wrong, change. DO something. Make things different"
YEA I KNOW.
But it's really hard.
I'm scared.
_
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