Today... and by today i mean yesterday

I felt like a bitch.
I felt like being a bitch.
I seemed like a bitch.
I acted like a bitch.
In short,
I was a bitch.

I feel terrible.
And then again, I don't.
But then... that's not true.
I'm just trying to be self righteous about it.

I'm sorry.
I was just moody.
But.
Maybe it was that mood that allowed me to express everything i wanted to express.
I'm sick of trying.
I'm sick of pretending that i can put up with bullshit.
And yet, who am I to think that I should be allowed to act immature, to not compromise, to suddenly decide that i want to be someone different?
Who am i to decide suddenly that what i've been trying to protect all this time is no longer worth protecting?
Who am i to suddenly shatter everything that's been built?
Who am i to be so selfish?
And i have no right whatsoever to expect things from people.
I have no right to think in the way that i do.
I have no right to put pressure on people
I have no right to expect them to see things the way i do.
I have no right to inflict my standards upon them.
I have no right to demand something of the people around me.
And certainly no right to get mad if they don't act in the way i wish they would.

Who am i to say "oh i trusted you, I cared about you, I tried my best to understand you, I would never do that to you"?
Who am i to think ANYONE gives a damn?

I marvel at my ability to hurt.
How i can so casually wound someone.
How words can pierce. The pen is mightier than the sword, right? -smiles-
How easy it is for me to become the antagonist in the twisted plot of life.
And yet.
I'm not here, feeling sorry for myself.
I don't know, maybe i am.

And then, i marvel at how easy it is for people to feel sorry for themselves.
And how easy it is to make someone feel sorry for you.
how easy it is for someone to stop feeling sorry for you.
how easy it is to say "i'm sorry" and mean it, but make the same mistake again and agian.
how easy it is to understand someone's logic but disagree with them completely.
how easy it is to tell someone everything will work out, that everything will be okay.
How easily some things DO work out.
and then..
How easily things fall apart again straight after that.

_