"A broken heart that the world forgot"

Should I say you ruined my night in the best way possible or that you made my night in the worst way possible?
It was like a knife straight to the heart.
ouch.

I felt like I was someone who'd lost their memory and was suddenly getting it back. Or, how I'd always imagined what it would be like anyway.
I've actaully been experiencing these 'flashbacks' pretty often lately. I wonder if it's just me getting old and nostaligc.
It's not like those "ohhh yeaaaa guyss rememberrrrr??" moments.
It's much stronger than that.
It's like all these images just appeared in my head all at once and I think "how could something so vivid have disappeared from my mind? How could I have forgotten? How could I have carried on living without these moments and the feelings associated with them? How could I be the person I am without these memories? How could I have completely forgotten something that I remember so clearly?"
and yet I had completely forgotten about them. It's like they had never happened. But they had, and here was this memory trigger.
And for a second I felt numb.
I felt.. dumbstruck, I guess.

Every note and every word is so familiar to me.
 And even though I've stopped playing the song now,  I can't bear to press play on the song I was listening to before.
I don't want to let that feeling die yet. I mean, it's fading, it's faint, it's almost just out of my reach... 
It's like you just woke up from a dream and it was a good dream, and you don't want to forget it yet, but you feel it slipping away, so you sit there, still, afraid to move, almost afraid to breathe because you're scared that any action will put a new idea in your head and you'll accidentally let the memory of the dream go and then you're just left with this 'feeling' that you can't explain, an emotion with no basis.

I know it seems like I'm making a huge deal out of one song. But songs mean so much to me. I can't begin to describe it. And this may or may not apply to everyone, I don't know. But I associate moments in my life to certain songs. I relate people to certain songs.
Music. It kills me.
I remember moments because of the song that was playing in the background. I remember summers because of the song I'd discovered. I remember conversations because of the lyrics we'd discussed. I remember periods of my life because of the song I'd been obsessed with. I remember people because of songs I'd sung with them, and the songs they'd recommended me.
Et cetera.

Okay. Just 1 more time.

Who am I kidding, I'ma put it on my phone.

_

guise

 guise
GUISE
GUISE 


READ THIS:
http://www.mat.upm.es/~jcm/murakami-perfect.html/

asdfghjkl; omg murakami TT

_

I sound like an idiot when I try to explain myself to people

Obviously, everyone wants other people to see them in a specific way. That's why they act the way they do, dress the way they dress, say the things they say. It's they way they present themselves to the world.
Sometimes, I think I don't do a very good job of expressing myself. Sometimes, I don't act the way I want to act, say the things I want to say.
I'm not sure if other people have the same image of me as I do.

All in all, I think I know myself pretty well.
And sometimes, I wish someone else in the world would or could know me just as well. So I try to explain.
Everything makes sense in my head. But then, when I try to explain it to someone, I almost always fail miserably. I tend to get halfway through an explanation, decide I'm not articulating something correctly and give up. I wave my arms like an idiot, say "I dont know" a few times and that's that.

I fear it makes me sound like an idiot, or worse, like I'm trying to be different and deep and mysterious. Damn it.

Then I get reminded of this quote:

“I can never say what I want to say,” continued Naoko. “It’s been like this for a while now. I try to say something, but all I get are the wrong words - the wrong words or the exact opposite words from what I mean. I try to correct myself, and that only makes it worse. I lose track of what I was trying to say to begin with. It’s like I’m split in two and playing tag with myself. One half is chasing the other half around this big, fat post. The other me has the right words, but this me cant catch her.” 

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood  

_

Sometimes I wonder

Am I the only one who didn't hold on?
The only one who didn't fight?
The only one who didn't take even a tiny bit of risk?
The only one who didn't throw myself, defenseless into something out of my depth?
The only one who didn't deserve even a tiny bit of the immense amount of sympathy I was shown?

It was just me, wasn't it?

_

The other day my English lecturer gave us some advice

"don't fall in love or you will go to hell"

_

Birthday

Well, it was actually on the 11th.
But today it felt like my birthday again ><

I honestly can't even begin to describe how happy I am.

To receive presents from my friends, to get a book filled with everyone's messages and wishes, to have everyone sing happy birthday to me, it really meant so much
For someone like me, who is constantly afraid of losing friends or feeling estranged, who believes she is not that significant, who actually ran away to taiwan so her friends would not have to feel obligated to celebrate her birthday for her,
felt so loved and also felt silly for thinking that way.

_

I'm so fucking tired.

I need some sleep.
I need some peace.
I need to just stop thinking.
I need silence.
I need a moment of happiness, one that will make me forget everything else.

"I need you to be -" I said, and then I started to cry.
"Be what?" she said, opening her arms.
"Not sad," I said.”
-Nicole Krauss, The History of Love

_

Sometimes all it takes is a greeting from an old friend, a moment of understanding, that feeling of familiarity and you think, maybe everything WILL be okay.

_

Another cool story

I was walking home with my mum the other day and suddenly I felt this shiver down my spine. You know the type - when you just feel cold suddenly for no reason? (and people say it's because someone walked over your future grave or something)
Aaaaaaanyway, so I felt this shiver and I looked to my right and then I saw this dog, about 5 meters away. It looked directly at me and started barking.
And then I suddenly remembered that dogs can supposedly see/sense ghosts and also I was reminded of that 'I see dead people' movie, in which if you feel cold for no reason, there are ghosts around you (since that kid was always talking about being cold)

So then I was scared.
And kept looking behind me.
And couldn't sleep that night.

_

The other day

I was on a bus and I looked out the window and I saw a giant toy pikachu on display outside a shop. Excitedly, I tugged on my mother's arm and exclaimed "OH MY GOSH MUM LOOK AT THAT PIKACHU"
And LITERALLY a split second later, a two year old child in front of me screamed "MUMMY LOOK AT THAT PIKACHU"
And then everyone on the bus giggled.
It is very sad that I notice the same thing as a two year old =_=
Sigh my maturity level.

_