I'm sorry i've disappointed you.

Dear 13, 14, 15 year old self. I bet you'd be really diappointed if you saw me now.
I didn't want to turn out like this.
I don't know how it happened.
Please forgive me.

I guess sometimes in life reality hits you hard, and you realize that you've walked down a path that ultimately leads to failure.
And well. I hate it.
I really hate it.
It's not too late to turn back. I guess it's never too late to turn back.
Well. Never is a bit unrealistic.
It's not too late now at least.

But..
It's just not that easy. I'm just not sure what to do.
I don't really know how to change...
What happened?
I can think of a million reasons. I guess I should call them excuses?
But in the end, I know I have no one to blame but myself
I make/made the most difference in my own life.

You knew what you wanted to do, wanted to be, wanted to turn out like.
But I can't remember what those things were.
I just know that what I am now isn't what you wanted.
I wish i could go back and warn you.
You were so hopeful of the future.
I wish I could stop you from turning into me.
I wish that instead, that you could've become someone else.
The person you wanted to be and thought you'd be.

_

So... nice weather we're having.

So last night i was sitting here, really down, writing a really emo blog entry..
About halfway through, I just.. felt that i couldn't keep writing.
I was too full of hopelessness and other great things like that.
lol.
So i decided to wait to finish it today. Cause at the time, i was so sure that i'd still be miserable today..
But
I couldn't be.
The weather was too amazing.
It was like summer.
The sun was shining, the sky was blue, a few white clouds were scattered across the sky.
Ah it was so nice.
my spirits completely lifted as i was walking to uni.
The sun was piercing. Like omg-i'm-gonna-get-sunburnt piercing.
It was so hot.
My skin felt like it would burn
and omggg
love love love.
I wanted to act like a kid. take my shoes off. run around barefoot on the hot concrete.
I wanted to sit there in albert park forever~~
if only i wasn't so scared of getting tanned...
Ahhh it was so nice ^^

AND

I got study done today~~
teehee.

magic.

When I was a kid I believed in magic
I still do.
Kind of.
I make wishes at 11:11 (yes, screw you, people who mock me about this)
and other stuff.
What's wrong with having a little hope?
I WANT MAGIC TO EXIST OKAY.

The thing is, I used to wait
and wait
and wait
for things to happen.
Magical things.
Like for me to meet a fairy
a genie
to travel through time
meet a witch
meet a wizard.
find a wardrobe that led me to narnia
a rabbit hole that led me to wonderland
or just encounter some sort of supernatural/ mythical/ magical creature or situation
(I didn't wanna meet a ghost though ^^;;;)
I waited and waited
for a magical adventure.
maybe it's just that i watched too many cartoons
or read too many books..
I don't know.
I desperately wanted to believe in magic.
Nothing ever happened though.
Sigh.

you know how in some stories, the kid wakes up and they think it's a dream?
or their memories are completely erased?
like.. as they say their farewells the magical beings are like "you wont remember anything" etc etc?
well...
nowadays...
to console myself,
I like to think I HAVE encountered some wort of magical stiuation (or several)
and they just erased all my memories.
^^;;;

_