Although it's not the middle of the night,

it feels like it is. Somehow. I was suddenly gripped by a strange and indescribable feeling. I want to turn the lights down, sit in the semidarkness and write something. I want to hear the sound of my fingertips tap tap tapping on my keyboard. But my laptop's broken so my iPhone will have to suffice. I even turned on the sound so as I write this, each letter makes a clicking sound. Other than that, I can hear my brother's murmurs on the phone from another room and I can hear the living room clock ticking.
It's only 11:06 and I feel lonely. It's funny, my loneliness usually hits me pretty late at night... Maybe 3 A.M. 4, if I'm still up. Which I often am. Maybe my loneliness comes from my incessant listening to of Ed Sheeran songs or maybe it's from the couple of Maroon5 songs that have been growing on me lately. Maybe it's because I've just been reading through entries of a blog I follow and read from the beginning to end of the author's love story and his words touched me in some way.

Or maybe I'm just being needy and am missing you.
_

Received some really bad news at the beginning of this week.

At first I thought I was okay, since it didn't really come as a shock but then.. I guess my mood just slowly deteriorated as the week went on.
I thought I wouldn't cry. But I guess I can still surprise myself sometimes, huh..

I think today I finally experienced what it's like to be kinda grown up and responsible. Maybe.
I was feeling really horrible today and all teary-eyed and shit but despite how much I wanted to come home and crawl into bed, I still had to face going to work.
The world keeps spinning even if you need a break (I know, how cliche)
Anyway, on the way there, the thought of dealing with primary kids for three hours filled me with so much dread I wanted to turn and just run away.
But work isn't like a uni lecture I can just skip (omg real world! Don't think I'm gonna like it ay)

I'm pretty surprised actually, that I'm in a better mood now.
Maybe it was the kids and their childish carefree energy... Their enthusiasm over something as simple as hangman, their incessant laughter or being pleasantly surprised about their reading/spelling level lol..
I'm actually feeling a lot more lighthearted. I hope it'll last me the rest of the night.
I hate having to go on as if everything's okay. I hate forgetting for only a few seconds but then feeling terrible as your laughter dies and you remember why you wanted so bad to laugh.
I'd rather be actually okay.
But it won't go away so easily this time
_

Sometimes the world comes crashing down on you all at once

I'm not really sure what to say yet.
I can't really find words to describe how I feel at the moment.
I need some time, maybe.

_

"So I take you to the beach and walk along the sand
And I'll make you a heart pendant,
With a pebble held in my hand
And I'll carve it like a necklace so the heart falls where your chest is
And now a piece of me is a piece of the beach
And it falls just where it needs to be
And rests peacefully
So you just need to breathe to feel my heart against yours now
Against yours now"

 

_

I don't like being like this

Sigh...
><
ASDFGHJKLSKJFKFHSAHSKJDK

_

I think I'm more hurt than angry.

Maybe I am a bad judge of character?
Maybe I care about the wrong people, place my trust in the wrong people, stand by the wrong people, until, in the end, I end up disappointed again.

okay, maybe I'm just being a BIT melodramatic. But honestly, I don't know how else to describe how I'm feeling.

I've always been the type to treasure my friends above all else, I've always stood by my close friends, felt blessed to have them, because I know it's hard to find friendships that really last. I'm not very good at making friends, so when I become close to someone, I hold onto the friendship because I realise that it's something precious.
I don't know if that makes me a pushover. Or if that makes me pathetic.
The fact that I don't wanna argue with you... why does that make you angry? Why do you have the right to treat me like this? The fact that I accept what you have to say, with little complaint when you're insulting the people I care about... why do you then have the right to turn around and say to me "have you given up on our friendship?"
You've been treating me like crap these past weeks and I haven't said shit to you.
You're constantly dissing me and the people the matter to me and still I talk to you, wanna hear about your life, wanna be friends.
I thought it was just a phase or something. I thought you'd get over it.
And then you give me a shitty excuse 'explaining' why you've been acting this way.
Decide you're gonna ignore me.
And then, when you see fit, talk to me again.
Only to continue saying things that you know will hurt me.

Maybe we have different views on what friendship should be like.
But you know, I don't think it's all that different.
I too, am honest with my friends, tell them what I think is best for them, care about them, hope they'll take my advice.
But I think the difference is that in the end, I think being a good friend means supporting their decisions. And being there for them, if things do turn out badly.

Are you just frustrated that I'm not taking your advice? Beacuse you think you know what's best for me?
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that you care so much about me. I appreciate that you want the best for me. But please, don't assume I'm stupid. Don't assume you know better than me. Don't assume that I can't make my own judgements.

You know, I've always defended you, I've always valued your opinion, your advice, your friendship. You're such an important friend of mine
to the extent that after all that, I was like "fine, it's okay, I'll put up with everything, I wanna be friends"
But still you just couldn't drop it.

I guess I'm just not as important to you as I thought. You just can't get over yourself.

_