To be honest, I know I have it heaps better than a lot of people but still. A lot of the time I envy other couples because they seem to be able to spend all their time together and be able to see each other when they want. And I wish it was like that for us.
And yet sometimes it's been like such a mission for him to come and see me. That's so stupid.
And I know that every relationship is different and everyone interacts in a different way and it's not right to envy other couples but still...
I just wanna be able to see him when I want, to wake up next to him sometimes, to.. I don't know.. Go out in the middle of the night on a whim to see him. I wish he was allowed to come over to mine to just hang. I wish we could just spend all day together. I wish we could go on a trip together. I don't know. They just seem like such normal couple things that people do but we don't because half the time I'm not allowed.
I have all these restrictions and I can't go out when I want, I can't attend every social event with him, can't even see him for that often most of the time nowadays and I resent that so much. I really wish that things could just be really simple but unfortunately it never is (I don't know if it's just me).
Sometimes I wonder if he might get sick of this because I'm sure things could be a lot easier with anyone else. It's just difficult with me.
And now I might be leaving soon for a year and that will just make things even harder and I don't know if I can handle it.
_
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentines Day
I wonder how many boys throughout Japan were confessed to today.
I wonder how many girls labored to make personalized chocolates and wrap them up in cute little packages to give to the boy they like.
I wonder how many girls plucked up the courage to confess to the boy.
I wonder how many boys accepted the chocolate and the girl's affections.
I wonder how many packages were thrown away or discarded.
I wonder how many of these packages were never given out because of a lapse in courage.
_
I wonder how many girls labored to make personalized chocolates and wrap them up in cute little packages to give to the boy they like.
I wonder how many girls plucked up the courage to confess to the boy.
I wonder how many boys accepted the chocolate and the girl's affections.
I wonder how many packages were thrown away or discarded.
I wonder how many of these packages were never given out because of a lapse in courage.
_
Monday, February 4, 2013
I wish I could go for a walk right now
but the night air is cold and my hair's still wet.
Maybe I'd catch a cold
and I could blame my watering eyes on it.
I long for the chill in the wind and dampness beneath bare feet -
rain collecting in my palms and seeping through my fingers.
But it's too dangerous outside at this hour.
Best to stay in bed wrapped in shadows and nightmares -
listen to the sound of my own breathing, feel the beating of my heart and think about the day they stop.
_
but the night air is cold and my hair's still wet.
Maybe I'd catch a cold
and I could blame my watering eyes on it.
I long for the chill in the wind and dampness beneath bare feet -
rain collecting in my palms and seeping through my fingers.
But it's too dangerous outside at this hour.
Best to stay in bed wrapped in shadows and nightmares -
listen to the sound of my own breathing, feel the beating of my heart and think about the day they stop.
_
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Blogging angst
I wish I remembered what it was like to be honest in my blog posts.
To write in full sentences, to give an account of my day.
I wish I remembered what it was like to give reviews on a book that I liked or a drama that I had watched.
I wish I remembered how to write simply and without pretense or vagueness.
To just say: I was happy today. I did this. This made me day. This person made my day. Just talk about what had happened. What I'd noticed recently. My ideas. My dreams. Things I liked.
It used to be like that.
I'm not sure when I began to change.
Became so... pretentious. Became so lazy. My blog posts became short and vague and silly and shallow.
Maybe my heart's not in it anymore. But really, blogging was one thing that I truly enjoyed, and yet, I just gave it up.
And I keep making all these new blogs to try and start over but they never work.
I don't think a need a 'fresh start' necessarily... I just need to change the way I think, I need to change my attitude.
_
To write in full sentences, to give an account of my day.
I wish I remembered what it was like to give reviews on a book that I liked or a drama that I had watched.
I wish I remembered how to write simply and without pretense or vagueness.
To just say: I was happy today. I did this. This made me day. This person made my day. Just talk about what had happened. What I'd noticed recently. My ideas. My dreams. Things I liked.
It used to be like that.
I'm not sure when I began to change.
Became so... pretentious. Became so lazy. My blog posts became short and vague and silly and shallow.
Maybe my heart's not in it anymore. But really, blogging was one thing that I truly enjoyed, and yet, I just gave it up.
And I keep making all these new blogs to try and start over but they never work.
I don't think a need a 'fresh start' necessarily... I just need to change the way I think, I need to change my attitude.
_
Sunday, December 30, 2012
And 2012 is drawing to a close..
I'm so scared of what comes next.
Not good scared, not excited scared.
I'm terrified of where my life is going.
I really have to stop being such a child. I have to start thinking about my future. I have to get my life together. I have to make up my mind about what I want to do. And I have to stand firm behind it.
I've always wanted to do so many things but never gone and done them, and in the end, I always blame it on my parents, saying "oh, they won't let me do it" (which is true, don't get me wrong, they do disapprove of many of my ideas and want my life to go in a certain preplanned way) but I always had a sneaking suspicion that if i insisted on doing what I wanted, if i was sure, if I stood firm, if I was sure, if I was willing to fight for it and I was willing to stake everything on it, they would let me try, however begrudgingly . But I never was sure about one thing.. I never believed enough in one thing, or in myself.
Damn it. These 4 years have gone way too fast. I've played too hard, not studied hard enough.
The funny thing is that even though I'm scared right now, I think things will turn out okay. I will be okay... in maybe 10 years. I'll be okay.
Maybe that's optimism, or maybe it's stupidity.
But things will be okay. I will become the person I always wanted to be.
I believe in that much
I still believe in myself a little
_
Not good scared, not excited scared.
I'm terrified of where my life is going.
I really have to stop being such a child. I have to start thinking about my future. I have to get my life together. I have to make up my mind about what I want to do. And I have to stand firm behind it.
I've always wanted to do so many things but never gone and done them, and in the end, I always blame it on my parents, saying "oh, they won't let me do it" (which is true, don't get me wrong, they do disapprove of many of my ideas and want my life to go in a certain preplanned way) but I always had a sneaking suspicion that if i insisted on doing what I wanted, if i was sure, if I stood firm, if I was sure, if I was willing to fight for it and I was willing to stake everything on it, they would let me try, however begrudgingly . But I never was sure about one thing.. I never believed enough in one thing, or in myself.
Damn it. These 4 years have gone way too fast. I've played too hard, not studied hard enough.
The funny thing is that even though I'm scared right now, I think things will turn out okay. I will be okay... in maybe 10 years. I'll be okay.
Maybe that's optimism, or maybe it's stupidity.
But things will be okay. I will become the person I always wanted to be.
I believe in that much
I still believe in myself a little
_
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sunday is gloomy
I spent the whole day in my pyjamas because i feel blue and pathetic.
I'm currently looking at cute pictures on tumblr to cheer myself up.
In other news there is a poet that i ADORE on tumblr. Her poems are making me cry today.
_
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Maybe for once you should think about how you make others feel. Maybe you should consider how the things you say and the ways in which you say them might be hurtful.
Not everyone is as self assured as you. Not everyone has a clear idea of the world. Not everyone is so sure of everything. That doesn't make their ideas worthless or the topics they bring up less worth discussing.
What gives you the right to judge people straight away? Assess the situation before you've ever heard everything? Dismiss whatever else I have to say right off the bat? Don't you even consider, for even one second, what that's like for me? When I wanna just bring up a lighthearted topic of discussion and you CONSTANTLY shutting me down... can you blame me for being annoyed?
And when I point this out, your only reaction is anger? What are you angry about? How dare I think of you this way? How dare I be hurt because I get the feeling that you think I'm stupid? Or are you angry because you always ALWAYS have to be right?
And even IF you never meant to make me feel stupid or insignificant, even if you unintentionally hurt me, couldn't you just apologize anyway? No. No you can't.
You just have to come and fucking talk to me like that, in the coldest tone you can muster, giving an apology that's not an apology, a promise that's like an accusation, a threat.
And you know what? I bet this will be my fault again in the end.
It's always my fucking fault.
_
Not everyone is as self assured as you. Not everyone has a clear idea of the world. Not everyone is so sure of everything. That doesn't make their ideas worthless or the topics they bring up less worth discussing.
What gives you the right to judge people straight away? Assess the situation before you've ever heard everything? Dismiss whatever else I have to say right off the bat? Don't you even consider, for even one second, what that's like for me? When I wanna just bring up a lighthearted topic of discussion and you CONSTANTLY shutting me down... can you blame me for being annoyed?
And when I point this out, your only reaction is anger? What are you angry about? How dare I think of you this way? How dare I be hurt because I get the feeling that you think I'm stupid? Or are you angry because you always ALWAYS have to be right?
And even IF you never meant to make me feel stupid or insignificant, even if you unintentionally hurt me, couldn't you just apologize anyway? No. No you can't.
You just have to come and fucking talk to me like that, in the coldest tone you can muster, giving an apology that's not an apology, a promise that's like an accusation, a threat.
And you know what? I bet this will be my fault again in the end.
It's always my fucking fault.
_
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Nightmare
I had a nightmare this morning, before my brother woke me up and essentially saved me. The feeling of panic was still raw in my chest after I'd woken up. I felt out of breath, my lungs hurt and my chest ached.
I'd been dreaming that I was almost blind. It had hit me suddenly. My world had become blurs and dim shadows in an instant. And in the moment, I'd fallen, I'd lost the feeling in my legs, I'd felt the world spin. For some reason I had been holding a lot of stuff: piles of books, a bag filled with clothes, boxes of my treasures.
And I'd dropped everything in that moment.. And I sat there, surrounded by my possessions, blindly trying to gather them all up. But no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't pick everything up. Everything seemed to become a bigger mess.
I sat there helpless, and began to call for help. And I could sense people walking by. I could feel their eyes on me, feel their presence and hear their footsteps. But not one person stopped to help me. Eventually, I began to cry. Not cry as in tears falling slowly, but sobbing, gasping for air, trying to call out for help in a broken voice.
It was terrifying.
_
I'd been dreaming that I was almost blind. It had hit me suddenly. My world had become blurs and dim shadows in an instant. And in the moment, I'd fallen, I'd lost the feeling in my legs, I'd felt the world spin. For some reason I had been holding a lot of stuff: piles of books, a bag filled with clothes, boxes of my treasures.
And I'd dropped everything in that moment.. And I sat there, surrounded by my possessions, blindly trying to gather them all up. But no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't pick everything up. Everything seemed to become a bigger mess.
I sat there helpless, and began to call for help. And I could sense people walking by. I could feel their eyes on me, feel their presence and hear their footsteps. But not one person stopped to help me. Eventually, I began to cry. Not cry as in tears falling slowly, but sobbing, gasping for air, trying to call out for help in a broken voice.
It was terrifying.
_
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Your words touch me
I don't know why.
To me, you are nobody, nobody.
Yet they envelop me - each syllable still warm
and moist, fresh off your tongue.
they feather across my cheek and flash in front of my eyes
as I mouthe them unconsciously,
my lips mirroring yours.
My skin scorches, my throat burns as I
swallow the significance
of each word you choose.
They pierce my chest, ink my heart
so I may never forget their darkness and their weight
or how they poisoned my blood.
Each inflection in your voice deafens me with its ring in my ears and -
the memory of your pauses are suffocating, suffocating.
So sometimes, when it storms
I stand in the rain for hours
choking on the raindrops,
trying to wash away the taint
your words have left on me.
_
I don't know why.
To me, you are nobody, nobody.
Yet they envelop me - each syllable still warm
and moist, fresh off your tongue.
they feather across my cheek and flash in front of my eyes
as I mouthe them unconsciously,
my lips mirroring yours.
My skin scorches, my throat burns as I
swallow the significance
of each word you choose.
They pierce my chest, ink my heart
so I may never forget their darkness and their weight
or how they poisoned my blood.
Each inflection in your voice deafens me with its ring in my ears and -
the memory of your pauses are suffocating, suffocating.
So sometimes, when it storms
I stand in the rain for hours
choking on the raindrops,
trying to wash away the taint
your words have left on me.
_
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