If happy ever afters did exist

I would still be holding you like this

_

It's the middle of the night

and these thoughts are creeping up on me again and making me feel insecure and uneasy.
damn it.

ugh I'm not really sure how to word it ><"
like.. you know how sometimes after people have dated for awhile they find out all these amazing things about their boyfriend/girlfriend and realise how great they are? And then like them even more?

well... I dont think there are any amazing things to discover about me...
I think... people will just get sick of me after awhile...
sigh...
I feel like there's nothing deeper than what you see...

People have told me before that guys like me because I have a sense of mystery around me..
but maybe that's because I'm actually scared of letting people know me too well.
Maybe the reason I rarely ever get too deep into relationships is because I'm scared that people will eventually realise there's really nothing to me.
They won't slowly discover new things about me and like me more.
Instead they might grow sick of me, they might think I'm boring, they might decide they don't like me anymore.
And rather than face that... I guess I just always choose to be alone.

That air of mystery is really just insecurity.

wth is wrong with me...

_

To be honest,

I'd really like to fall in love.

Lol I've put off this post for so long because I didn't want to sound desperate but I realised that I'll never stop drafting this in my head until I actually write it.

And when I say fall in love,
I don't mean "OMG I want a boyfriend"
I just mean I want to fall in love.

If fall in love is a bit extreme, how about just a crush?
How about just being extra happy to see someone?
How about just being somehow drawn to them?
Having your heart skip a beat when they initiate a conversation with you?
How about just being unable to supress your smile when you see them?
How about wanting to see them and talk to them all the time?
How about wanting to make them happy?

What about just growing close to someone again without worrying about anything else?
Can I just start with that?

I don't really remember what it feels like anymore.
I only recall the heartache.
Isn't that sad?

I remember being just okay.
I remember hating it.
I remember being miserable.
I also remember just being really happy.. I guess.
But I don't think I remember (or even know) what simple, sweet beginnings are like.

I'm not one of those people who are particularly fond of being in relationships. I like being alone. I don't really know how to get along with people. I don't know how to let people into my life. I put up walls (yea I know cliche, whatever, it's late, I'm tired).

But I guess it'd be nice to know what it's like to be really happy because of someone else.

Damn it I sound 14.

_

Fuck

This part reminds me of this guy I went to high school with.

I remember him saying to me "I'd really like to know what it would feel like to stab someone. Like, how much resistance human flesh has against a sharp blade?"
And then he proceeded to say that he wouldn't kill anyone but hoped that he might happen upon someone who had already been stabbed to death so he could have a go too before he reported the murder.
Wtf. I'm scared now.

_

I fell asleep reading the autobiography of Jack the Ripper last night

And I picked it up just now and proceeded to start again where I'd bookmarked it only to realize I have no recollection of the past chapter.
How did I read an entire chapter and not remember it?
I mean, I fall asleep with QI playing all the time so I know what it's like to have watched something but have no recollection of what actually happened but I've never done that with a book before.
I must have been really tired lol

_

Lol thanks

for talking some sense into me.
I'll try not to forget what happened and what you said and your reaction lol
I kinda already knew what you'd say and I was kinda scared to mention it to you at first.
But you're right.
And I'll try not to get sucked in again.

_

I'm torn

_

this picture makes me lol

Cause most of the time when i'm on the phone with mum I'm practically begging her not to hang up.
lol I'm so needy.

_

I miss playing in the school orchestra

in high school it was the concert band, I guess..
I know, I know, we weren't very good.
But nevertheless, it was still a lot of fun.
It's not only my flute playing that I miss, it's the feeling of arriving in the hall or the music room and setting up the chairs and music stands.
Everyone knew where they were supposed to be, where they were supposed to set up. 
I miss the rustle of paper when everyone pulled out their sheet music, flipped the pages back and forth and compared their annotations.
I miss that cacophany created by everyone tuning and warming up their instruments.
ahhh
good times.
I miss being part of something I guess?
I miss that feeling of happiness and sense of accomplishment when we played something the whole way through.
I miss thinking "Damn, we sounded really good that time"

_

Sliiiiiiiiightly obsessed with this