sigh

I don't know if you guys remember but a while back I wrote about that sweet old couple that are at the same nursing home my grandpa lives at..
the couple that were always holding hands.
The last time I went to visit my grandpa before came back to New Zealand at the beginning of the year, I didn't see the old man...
I thought nothing of it at the time..
But I remembered today and asked my mum how the couple was doing..
and then she told me that he had passed away..
OMG I'M SO SAD
LIKE ACTUALLY SO SAD
TT"
Who's gonna be there for her for the rest of her lonely days in the nursing home?
Now that he's gone, no one's there to hold her hand... no one to help her eat.
TT"
I don't know why i'm getting so sad over a couple of strangers..
but they gave me hope, y'know?
i think the part that makes me the saddest is that she's still waiting for him to come home everyday because her family has decided not to tell her that he'd passed away for fear that she wouldn't be able to bear it..
And because she's a bit senile.. she believes them when they lie to her when she asks where he is..
sigh.
i guess nothing lasts forever.
TT"

_

100th post !!

YAAYYYYYYYYY
^________^
i went through my entries and counted and only 17 of them were about/relating (in an obvious way) to YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
ahahahaha~
that makes me happy. i thought there'd be more.
and then i was gonna tally the other types of entries too but i really cbf..
there's a few about food
a few rage
a few "what i've been up to" entries
a few rant entries
and others. lol.
it all adds up

i love my blog~~~ i love blogging~~~
ehehehhehehehhe
and although i say that i don't really care if people comment or not.
i still appareciate the comments ^__^
and thank you to everyone who read/reads/is reading my blog
i'm so happy that you would be willing take time out of your life to read my ranting~
and my silly-ness
and my emo-ness
and my stupid-ness
and my raging-ness
and my random-ness

i feel happy :3

_

I'm not even sure what i wanna say...

I wanna say i'm sad
I wanna say i never ever EVER thought things would turn out this way
I wanna say i'm just plain angry
I wanna say i'm sorry i yelled
I wanna say i hate always being the bad guy
I wanna say we had our happy moments
I wanna say we were good friends so much of the time
I wanna say i cared so much about you
I wanna say all i ever did was act how i thought a friend should
I wanna say i feel disappointed
I wanna say i feel hurt
I wanna say i feel misunderstood
I wanna say it's pointless
I wanna say i can't believe the shit that you said
I wanna say i wish we could still be friends

but we can't.

and tell me.
tell me that i wasn't right.
tell me that i didn't have a point
tell me that what i said wasn't logical
tell me that it was irrational that i was angry.
tell me that i shouldn't be angry
tell me i shouldn't stand up for myself
tell me i shouldn't expect my friends to be on my side
tell me i shouldn't expect my best friend to understand me

explain your way out of it.

but you can't.

_

I remember.

I remember those nights
we talked and talked and talked
I killed zombies with plants
and listened to love the way you lie
I learnt all the lyrics to that song
and when i heard it on the radio, all i could picture were zombie heads falling off.
I remember those jars of nutella (6, to be exact)
and my row of spoons.
I drank mug after mug of tea
and i studied all through the night
but never seemed to get any work done.
I liked the feeling of the room dimly lit by my lamp (which was actually pretty bright)
and how i made sure i'd be listening to lady antabellum at quarter past one.
I remember our skype conversations
in which we talked about nothing
or sat in silence, doing our own things but hearing everyone's breathing.
 
And then. I remember when we stopped.
_

I know you don't read this

so hey, i can rage however much i want.
screw you.
screw you and your self righteousness
screw you and the extent of your fakeness
screw you and just everything
screw you for accusing me of attention seeking
screw you for accusing me of telling you what to do
screw you for thinking that you have bigger problems than mine
screw you for pretending to care
screw you for acting like you're the fucking centre of the universe
screw you for sulking when you're not given attention
screw you for your incessant complaing
and most of all, screw you for making me feel like an idiot.
screw you for wasting my time when i stood up for you, worried about you
screw you for making me think we were good friends.
OH AND SCREW YOU FOR TAKING THAT CONDECENDING, RESIGNED, I'MSOMUCHBETTERTHANYOU, IMBEINGMATUREEVENTHOUGHTHISPAINSME TONE.

So, i'd like to give an example of your idiocy
1. do you know how to proofread? cause i dont think you do. and you better learn.
2. maybe you should check the logic of your statements too. just maybe.
"i dont want you to keep displaying your emotions/talking about your problems ----> oh the other day when you were acting moody people asked what was wrong and you said 'nothing'. this seems like attention seeking"
WTF.
ARE YOU RETARDED??
pray tell, how does your logic work?
:3
UHM WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THEN.
i was so so so so so hurt.
and angry
and sad
and angry
and angry
and angry
oh and i almost forgot to mention angry
that i was shaking as i typed out my long rageful email reply
or maybe i was shaking from the cold.
i'm not sure.

erm. "you would be happy and comforted if anything got through"?
YEA NOTHING GOT THROUGH. and i dont care if you're miserable and (erm) discomforted(?) for the rest of your fucking life.
it's no longer any of my business.

yea "i do not want this but somehow i think it is necessary"
yea i think it's necessary that you gtfo of my life.

_

Lately.

I've been feeling strange.
Unhappy?
I don't know.
just strange.
like I'm really far away from everyone.
It's hard to explain...
I'm not being despressed.
Things are wrong. But not that wrong.
I feel like sometimes I look and someone and I think:
"I could never ever ever understand what it would be like to see through your eyes"
sometimes I think:
"Why can't you see what I see? Or.. is it that i'm missing something that you're seeing?"
other times i think:
"even if i could read your mind, i'd probably still be confused"

I feel like there's something between me and the rest of the world.
It's not numbness.
i guess a good metaphor would be.. a thick pane of glass?
I can't hear clearly or see clearly
I feel like... no matter how hard i press myself against the glass, I can't reach anyone.
I can tap on the glass and someone will look up, for a second.
But will lose interest when they realise they can't get to me.

I feel like, even if i'm sitting next to someone.. they're a million miles away from me.
like. i want to sit really close to make sure they're really there.
I feel like everyone's hearts are so far away from mine.
I feel like our thoughts are so far apart
I feel like our ideals are so far apart
so much so that we may as well be on either end of the planet.

I don't feel like i'm being left behind
or that
I'm leaving people behind.
it feels like...
that feeling you get when you stand when the sea meets the beach
and the tide comes in and then goes out
and the sand underneath your feet is being washed away.
and you feel like you're being pulled away from the beach, away from the world.

_

ugh

i'm pathetic.
so utterly
completely
undeniably

pathetic

_

I don't mind spending
everyday
out on your corner in the
pouring rain
look for the girl with the
broken smile
ask her if she wants to
stay ahwile

and she will be loved.

_

WHAT AM I DOING?? THIS ISN'T TUMBLR !!

so uhhh yea.. it's probabaly just that^
possibly
most likely
maybe.

_

I hate it

when people play the victim.

_

I suddenly feel stupid.

rofl.
i dont wanna take down the previous posts
but i suddenly feel stupid.
for having been emo

_

Oh sad mandopop song

that reminded me of you when i first heard it
that constantly reminds me of you when i hear it
that choked me up a little bit when i sang it at karaoke
i've listened to it so many times on repeat
that i've slowly started to feel nothing.

_

i hate you

like honestly.

_

It's okay.

you don't need me anyway

_