Silenced
by cowardice and pride,
I turned away from him -
and my words,
jumbled and tangled on my tongue,
so unwilling to leave the back of my throat,
spilled from my eyes as tears instead.

_

snippets from europe trip 2008

I remember that night when we were on the Greek island of Paros when we were walking back to the hotel, I was just so filled with elation and happiness I literally felt drunk. Louis kept asking me "Amy, are you drunk?" and no matter how much I insisted I wasn't, he didn't believe me.
Maybe it was just being 17 in a foreign country being carried by a soft breeze on a beautiful island surrounded by friends and strangers. Maybe it was the sound of the sea or the string of lights on the other side of the island or the moon reflecting off the rocks next to the beach.
I will never ever ever forget that feeling.

_

300

I remember the film 300 was R16 and when it came out my best friend and I both really wanted to see it but we weren't 16 yet but because we were both only off by a few weeks (our birthdays are really close) we tried to beg the guy at the ticket booth to let us in but he wouldn't and we were both disappointed.

Okay so I've actually been trying to write a proper new entry for ages but I can't come up with anything cause I'm useless (well okay it's not that I can't come up with anything but more like I can't finish what I start but anyway that still makes me useless) but I just noticed that this will be my 300th published entry so I felt like I should acknowledge it.
I know that my blog has gone to shit but I also know that there are a FEW people who still read it and get the occasional emo/angsty update on my life so I just wanna say I love you guys and I wish my blog was better. I keep trying to start new blogs but I still like this one the most. I think I should give up my unrealistic dream of blogging for a living because to be honest, my life is extremely uninteresting and I am not as eloquent as I like to be.
HOWEVER I don't think I'll ever stop blogging because I will forever be someone who wants to rant and write badly on the internet and have an invisible audience.
HOPEFULLY though, maybe one day I can start up a travel blog. I think that would be the best thing ever.

Anyway, I know that I've had this blog since the end of my first year of uni and someone more dedicated would probably have more posts by now but alas, I am not that someone. I shall try harder in the future. But no promises. You guys know me by now.

Okay, that's barely any sentiment but that's certainly enough for this post.

_

It's our 10 months today and I don't even get to see him TT

To be honest, I know I have it heaps better than a lot of people but still. A lot of the time I envy other couples because they seem to be able to spend all their time together and be able to see each other when they want. And I wish it was like that for us.
And yet sometimes it's been like such a mission for him to come and see me. That's so stupid.
And I know that every relationship is different and everyone interacts in a different way and it's not right to envy other couples but still...
I just wanna be able to see him when I want, to wake up next to him sometimes, to.. I don't know.. Go out in the middle of the night on a whim to see him. I wish he was allowed to come over to mine to just hang. I wish we could just spend all day together. I wish we could go on a trip together. I don't know. They just seem like such normal couple things that people do but we don't because half the time I'm not allowed.
I have all these restrictions and I can't go out when I want, I can't attend every social event with him, can't even see him for that often most of the time nowadays and I resent that so much. I really wish that things could just be really simple but unfortunately it never is (I don't know if it's just me).
Sometimes I wonder if he might get sick of this because I'm sure things could be a lot easier with anyone else. It's just difficult with me.
And now I might be leaving soon for a year and that will just make things even harder and I don't know if I can handle it.

_

Valentines Day

I wonder how many boys throughout Japan were confessed to today.
I wonder how many girls labored to make personalized chocolates and wrap them up in cute little packages to give to the boy they like.
I wonder how many girls plucked up the courage to confess to the boy.
I wonder how many boys accepted the chocolate and the girl's affections.

I wonder how many packages were thrown away or discarded.
I wonder how many of these packages were never given out because of a lapse in courage.

_

I wish I could go for a walk right now
but the night air is cold and my hair's still wet.
Maybe I'd catch a cold
and I could blame my watering eyes on it.
I long for the chill in the wind and dampness beneath bare feet -
rain collecting in my palms and seeping through my fingers.

But it's too dangerous outside at this hour.
Best to stay in bed wrapped in shadows and nightmares -
listen to the sound of my own breathing, feel the beating of my heart and think about the day they stop.

_

Blogging angst

I wish I remembered what it was like to be honest in my blog posts.
To write in full sentences, to give an account of my day.
I wish I remembered what it was like to give reviews on a book that I liked or a drama that I had watched.
I wish I remembered how to write simply and without pretense or vagueness.
To just say: I was happy today. I did this. This made me day. This person made my day. Just talk about what had happened. What I'd noticed recently. My ideas. My dreams. Things I liked.
It used to be like that.
I'm not sure when I began to change.
Became so... pretentious. Became so lazy. My blog posts became short and vague and silly and shallow.
Maybe my heart's not in it anymore. But really, blogging was one thing that I truly enjoyed, and yet, I just gave it up.
And I keep making all these new blogs to try and start over but they never work.
I don't think a need a 'fresh start' necessarily... I just need to change the way I think, I need to change my attitude.

_

And 2012 is drawing to a close..

I'm so scared of what comes next.
Not good scared, not excited scared.
I'm terrified of where my life is going.
I really have to stop being such a child. I have to start thinking about my future. I have to get my life together. I have to make up my mind about what I want to do. And I have to stand firm behind it.
I've always wanted to do so many things but never gone and done them, and in the end, I always blame it on my parents, saying "oh, they won't let me do it" (which is true, don't get me wrong, they do disapprove of many of my ideas and want my life to go in a certain preplanned way) but I always had a sneaking suspicion that if i insisted on doing what I wanted, if i was sure, if I stood firm, if I was sure, if I was willing to fight for it and I was willing to stake everything on it, they would let me try, however begrudgingly . But I never was sure about one thing.. I never believed enough in one thing, or in myself.

Damn it. These 4 years have gone way too fast. I've played too hard, not studied hard enough.
The funny thing is that even though I'm scared right now, I think things will turn out okay. I will be okay... in maybe 10 years. I'll be okay.
Maybe that's optimism, or maybe it's stupidity.
But things will be okay. I will become the person I always wanted to be.
I believe in that much
I still believe in myself a little

_

Sunday is gloomy

I spent the whole day in my pyjamas because i feel blue and pathetic. I'm currently looking at cute pictures on tumblr to cheer myself up. In other news there is a poet that i ADORE on tumblr. Her poems are making me cry today. _

_