you said you were fine.
you said nothing was wrong.
you said you weren't angry.
you said you didn't feel like crying.
you said you'd be okay.
you said.

_

I found an old notebook...

When a coward cannot face his fears,
cannot prove he's not made of tears;
when there's nothing for which he can fight,
when he'd lost his hearing, given up his sight..
None will judge him here in the dark
where even the insignificant can make their mark.
Only the forgotten can be found here;
a safehouse from prying eyes and ears.
Alone in the silence by himself
is painful heaven, his beautiful hell.
If whether to save him was your call
would you grab hold of his hand.. or watch him fall?

lolll one or two people might actually remember this poem from approximately 2 years ago?

ehhhh... why did i ever think i could write?? TT"
_

I'm sick of this.

Sick of maybe.
Sick of being lost
Sick of being unsure.

I want certainty.
I want conviction
I want to wake up in the morning
and just KNOW
that I'm doing what I want to do
I'm where I want to be
I'm with who I want to be with.

why is that so hard?

_

i don't know what to do

tell me how to
act
react
interact

do I..
pretend or not pretend?

give me answers.

kthnxbai

_

overused "words" that my facebook feed and ic0 is full of

-skux
-tc
-csb
-sif

example sentences:

"why so skux for?"
"just too skux"
"what a skux"
"teach me your skux ways"
"____ skuxing all the girls/guys"

"tc. tc. tc. tc."
"hi tc" (wtf is that meant to mean?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)
"just tc"

"SEEEE ESS BEEEEE"

"siiiiiiiiiiiiiif"
"nah, sif oi!"
"sif man!"
-basically at the beginning of every sentence-

I'm not saying i don't use these "words"... i use "sif" A LOT, for example.
and it's funny teasing people aaout being "skux"
and saying "SEEE ES BEE !" to shut someone down is super fun.
but sometimes... i just wish i could go through a whole day without hearing them.
or even just a whole conversation.
sometimes it's like all i hear people say to each other is
"sup man sif not skux.. you're just tc aye"
=___=""

oh we're MASTERS of conversation.
rofl.
_

it just occurred to me today

that i made a wish a few weeks ago

AND IT RECENTLY CAME TRUE

so there.

shame people-who-mock-me-for-making-wishes-at-11:11
=]

Today... and by today i mean yesterday

I felt like a bitch.
I felt like being a bitch.
I seemed like a bitch.
I acted like a bitch.
In short,
I was a bitch.

I feel terrible.
And then again, I don't.
But then... that's not true.
I'm just trying to be self righteous about it.

I'm sorry.
I was just moody.
But.
Maybe it was that mood that allowed me to express everything i wanted to express.
I'm sick of trying.
I'm sick of pretending that i can put up with bullshit.
And yet, who am I to think that I should be allowed to act immature, to not compromise, to suddenly decide that i want to be someone different?
Who am i to decide suddenly that what i've been trying to protect all this time is no longer worth protecting?
Who am i to suddenly shatter everything that's been built?
Who am i to be so selfish?
And i have no right whatsoever to expect things from people.
I have no right to think in the way that i do.
I have no right to put pressure on people
I have no right to expect them to see things the way i do.
I have no right to inflict my standards upon them.
I have no right to demand something of the people around me.
And certainly no right to get mad if they don't act in the way i wish they would.

Who am i to say "oh i trusted you, I cared about you, I tried my best to understand you, I would never do that to you"?
Who am i to think ANYONE gives a damn?

I marvel at my ability to hurt.
How i can so casually wound someone.
How words can pierce. The pen is mightier than the sword, right? -smiles-
How easy it is for me to become the antagonist in the twisted plot of life.
And yet.
I'm not here, feeling sorry for myself.
I don't know, maybe i am.

And then, i marvel at how easy it is for people to feel sorry for themselves.
And how easy it is to make someone feel sorry for you.
how easy it is for someone to stop feeling sorry for you.
how easy it is to say "i'm sorry" and mean it, but make the same mistake again and agian.
how easy it is to understand someone's logic but disagree with them completely.
how easy it is to tell someone everything will work out, that everything will be okay.
How easily some things DO work out.
and then..
How easily things fall apart again straight after that.

_

Must stop

-listening to cheesy mandopop love songs.
-watching cute romance movies/dramas.
-reading love stories.
-listening to other people's cute love stories.
-reading victorian love poetry.

make me want to fall in love

wtf.
_

Am I allowed to miss you?

I miss hanging out
I miss chatting
I miss walking together in silence
I miss sitting together in silence
I miss laughing with you
I miss smiling at you
I miss that easy friendship

But maybe that friendship was never there anyway.
At least not in the way I thought.

_