If happy ever afters did exist

I would still be holding you like this

_

It's the middle of the night

and these thoughts are creeping up on me again and making me feel insecure and uneasy.
damn it.

ugh I'm not really sure how to word it ><"
like.. you know how sometimes after people have dated for awhile they find out all these amazing things about their boyfriend/girlfriend and realise how great they are? And then like them even more?

well... I dont think there are any amazing things to discover about me...
I think... people will just get sick of me after awhile...
sigh...
I feel like there's nothing deeper than what you see...

People have told me before that guys like me because I have a sense of mystery around me..
but maybe that's because I'm actually scared of letting people know me too well.
Maybe the reason I rarely ever get too deep into relationships is because I'm scared that people will eventually realise there's really nothing to me.
They won't slowly discover new things about me and like me more.
Instead they might grow sick of me, they might think I'm boring, they might decide they don't like me anymore.
And rather than face that... I guess I just always choose to be alone.

That air of mystery is really just insecurity.

wth is wrong with me...

_

To be honest,

I'd really like to fall in love.

Lol I've put off this post for so long because I didn't want to sound desperate but I realised that I'll never stop drafting this in my head until I actually write it.

And when I say fall in love,
I don't mean "OMG I want a boyfriend"
I just mean I want to fall in love.

If fall in love is a bit extreme, how about just a crush?
How about just being extra happy to see someone?
How about just being somehow drawn to them?
Having your heart skip a beat when they initiate a conversation with you?
How about just being unable to supress your smile when you see them?
How about wanting to see them and talk to them all the time?
How about wanting to make them happy?

What about just growing close to someone again without worrying about anything else?
Can I just start with that?

I don't really remember what it feels like anymore.
I only recall the heartache.
Isn't that sad?

I remember being just okay.
I remember hating it.
I remember being miserable.
I also remember just being really happy.. I guess.
But I don't think I remember (or even know) what simple, sweet beginnings are like.

I'm not one of those people who are particularly fond of being in relationships. I like being alone. I don't really know how to get along with people. I don't know how to let people into my life. I put up walls (yea I know cliche, whatever, it's late, I'm tired).

But I guess it'd be nice to know what it's like to be really happy because of someone else.

Damn it I sound 14.

_

Fuck

This part reminds me of this guy I went to high school with.

I remember him saying to me "I'd really like to know what it would feel like to stab someone. Like, how much resistance human flesh has against a sharp blade?"
And then he proceeded to say that he wouldn't kill anyone but hoped that he might happen upon someone who had already been stabbed to death so he could have a go too before he reported the murder.
Wtf. I'm scared now.

_

I fell asleep reading the autobiography of Jack the Ripper last night

And I picked it up just now and proceeded to start again where I'd bookmarked it only to realize I have no recollection of the past chapter.
How did I read an entire chapter and not remember it?
I mean, I fall asleep with QI playing all the time so I know what it's like to have watched something but have no recollection of what actually happened but I've never done that with a book before.
I must have been really tired lol

_

Lol thanks

for talking some sense into me.
I'll try not to forget what happened and what you said and your reaction lol
I kinda already knew what you'd say and I was kinda scared to mention it to you at first.
But you're right.
And I'll try not to get sucked in again.

_

I'm torn

_

this picture makes me lol

Cause most of the time when i'm on the phone with mum I'm practically begging her not to hang up.
lol I'm so needy.

_

I miss playing in the school orchestra

in high school it was the concert band, I guess..
I know, I know, we weren't very good.
But nevertheless, it was still a lot of fun.
It's not only my flute playing that I miss, it's the feeling of arriving in the hall or the music room and setting up the chairs and music stands.
Everyone knew where they were supposed to be, where they were supposed to set up. 
I miss the rustle of paper when everyone pulled out their sheet music, flipped the pages back and forth and compared their annotations.
I miss that cacophany created by everyone tuning and warming up their instruments.
ahhh
good times.
I miss being part of something I guess?
I miss that feeling of happiness and sense of accomplishment when we played something the whole way through.
I miss thinking "Damn, we sounded really good that time"

_

Sliiiiiiiiightly obsessed with this

My fingers are poised over my keyboard

but my mind is just like 'lolno'

_

I've become despicable to you

I can hear it in your voice.
I don't blame you though since I'm not a big fan of me either.
but that seems to anger you too.

_

I think they should invite charlieissocoollike to be one of the panelists on QI

_

Sigh, time for another one of THESE posts

Just had a talk with mum and I feel like I'm a complete failure.
I've disappointed myself, and I've completely disappointed my parents.
I've gone through life not thinking about my future, not planning for it and then, BAM
grown up life is no longer very far away.
And I hate this place that I'm at.
I hate what I do, and yet, I can't not do it. I've no other path to go down.
I've become lazy and useless. I'm no longer clever, I'm no longer hardworking.
I havent accomplished ANYTHING I set out to do, mainly cause I kept changing my mind.
And even now, I still keep changing it.
I don't want to do postgrad
but here I am, doing it.
I can blame my parents for forcing this upon me, but really, it's not their fault.
They let me choose to major in English, which I've also grown to hate.
I didn't think ahead. I didn't think "maybe I should do Bcom, that'd be more useful"
I'd wanted to study Japanese, but because of complications, I just gave it up.
I'd wanted to do creative writing but then decided I didn't like the way they taught it.
I'm not passionate about anything.
What happened to me? I used to be so ambitious, so independant.
Now I'm actually saying "hmm I guess I wouldn't mind doing a 9-5 job, I follow instructions well anyway"
I'm actually saying to my parents "you guys think i'm much smarter than I actually am" whereas I used to say "I'll prove that I'm smarter than you think"
I wanna give up postgrad and just work
but then, who'd actually hire me?
Why am I once again, starting something and not intending on finishing it?
I've gone through life not giving a damn and I've relied on the little bit of 'smarts' I was blessed with to get me through life. I've done okay in school. Pretty well in high school.
But things are different now. That can't save me anymore.
I have to take action. DO something with my miserable life.
It's like I still havent learnt my fucking lesson. I'm still doing assignments last mintue and just skimming the readings. wtf is wrong with me.
I'm gonna regret this.
My mother's right.
I DO have a plan for what I wanna do in, say, the next 6 to 7 years... But knowing me, I probably won't do it, right?
My parents say "just get through your masters, it's another 2 years, tops"
But the though of that just kills me. But maybe I should force myself to do it. To prove that I can. To prove that I'm still able to work hard. But the thought of it just seriously kills me. I don't WANT to do it. But I can't do anything else. And who's to say that I won't need the staus that this MA gives me?
Say i DO become a teacher, what if I just end up doing that for the rest of my life?
What if one day I realise I'm 50 and I spent my life doing what I swore would only be a few years so I could save up?

"Stop complaining. Since you know what's wrong, change. DO something. Make things different"
YEA I KNOW.
But it's really hard.
I'm scared.

_

I no longer want to curl up and die when I hear that song.

Yey!
Lol it randomly came up on my iPod just now and while i usually just skip it as soon as the opening notes play, I was kinda far away and I didn't get to my iPod in time to change it.
It was already too far into the song lol.
So I had to just listen to it.
But but but
I found that I actually enjoyed it.
ENJOYED IT.
Heh.
I guess things DO pass
(:

_