old photo!

OMG! old emo photo!
i LOVED this photo when i first took it... rofl~
i think it was... in year 11? hm maybe year 12 actually...
i miss that hair! omg... T^T
i also LOVED that top but i never wore it out.. i only wore it at home cause it was "too cute" for me so i was embarrassed... it was a super adorable top.. sigh..... i miss  it. i probably still wouldn't wear it now.. i didnt get any cuter since then.. O_o rofl~
and the lighting next to the window in my old room at my old house in the mid to late afternoon was really good for camwhoring...
also for reading. but my mum also raged at me for leaning against the glass of my french doors cause sunlight apparently makes glass brittle and she didnt want the glass to break and she didnt want to come into my room and find me impaled on a jagged edge of the broken door.
sigh. i miss my old room.

yea, sorry i was going through old files and stuff and found this..
i think the next few entries are gonna be like this O_o
or maybe ii'll make it a recurring thing.. like.. if i have nothing to write about but i feel like writing i'll pick an old photo and write some stuff about it.

this is gonna be fun!! ^^
for me anyway...
lol~

_

to everyone that i love ♥

I want you to not feel lonely
I want you to not hurt
I want to know a failproof way to make you smile
I wish I could lift your spirits whenever you feel down
I wish I could do something to make everything better when things are bad
I wish I could erase pain
I wish that on those nights when you're sitting in the dark wondering why you can't sleep I could be there to put my arm around you.
I wish you every happiness because you deserve it.

Who do you think of when you're lonely?
I hope it's me.

_

I think i know why i like eating so much

I like sitting together with people and talking, and eating.
it reminds me of family, of warmth.
it reminds me of when my mum still lived in NZ.
it makes me miss her but it also makes me feel a little less lonely.

Both my brother and I are busy so we don't often get to sit down and have dinner together
but when we do, i really enjoy it.
unfortunately.. my brother and i also disagree on many things
we talk, discuss things as we eat and it's nice.. but then more often than not, we end up arguing..
sometimes it's okay..
but someitmes we end up eating in silence.
and then our meal together ends on a bad note
and then he stands up, puts his bowl in the sink and goes into his room.
and then i'm left there, feigning nochalance, continuing to eat in silence.
and i hate it.
maybe that's why i don't like coming home for dinner
even though most of the time i really want to.

_

i'm sorry for raging..

but it's
BEAR with me
not
BARE with me.
why why why why WHY
would you ever think that it was "bare" with me?
honestly...
i know everyone's gonna be like
"sorry then English major"
but no.
this is not about me being an english major.
=__="
this is about people learning that just because two words sound the same, does not mean that they are interchangeable!

_

I'm fine

I don't need you to feel bad for me
or to worry.
or to even think of me.
I don't need your pity
I don't need your sympathy
I'm fine.
I know I'm pathetic
I know I'm stupid
I know. I know. I know.
but really,
I'm fine.
So.. I don't want to see you
or talk to you
or want you to reassure me about anything.
I'm fine.

I'm sorry.
and.
Thank you.
and.
that's that.

_

二十歳になる～

Thank you my friends~

haha check out my crappy writing in the sand~

I had a super awesome 20th birthday~ I'm so happy ^^
hmmm actually I was expecting it not to be a great birthday...
but... none of the emo stuff!! haha~
I had a great day (:

20's such a big birhday... it's officially the end of an era... the start of a new decade in my life.
Amazing things are gonna happen.
I know it ^^

hmmm
I wanna brag about all my amazing presents =P but i'm too lazy to take photos of everything la~
haha ^^;;;
but thank you you guys!! omgg i'm so touched and happy.


i feel so lucky to be here... to have everything that i have... to have everyone who cares about me..

I'm ready! Bring it on life!!

_

I'm happy

today was a nice day.

-smileyface-

_

so apparently the above is not good enough.
so here goes:

So, like, today I went to play pool at masse and it was so super fun even though i kept losing rofl~
but that's okay (: cause i feel like i'm getting better !! I wish i could get better at pool !! i needa practise more! ooo maybe that'll be my holiday goal! hehe~
and then we went to mini to sing k!! omg i was so happy cause i hadn't been to k in aaaaaages!!
we had to climb a really big hill from queen street to get there lolllll but omg it was SO COLD TODAYYY!!
i couldn't feel my hands lol
yay omg k was so much fun !!
and now i'm in a super good mood cause i heard everyone's pro singing !! hehe (:
and after k we went to eat on dominion road and we sat there and talked for ages~~
i love that feeling of sitting with friends and just talking!! so much fun ^^
but i wish i didnt have to come home that early ):
BUT OMG I WAS JUST PLAYING TETRIS AND I WON AND I'M LIKE SUPER HAPPY NOW
YAYYYYY
MY DAY WAS SO GREAT
(:
(:
teehee
i wish everyday could be this fun !!


^ happy now?? =__="

I've decided

once and for all.

i've finally made up my mind, built up my resolve.
i'm not gonna regret this.

i'm not gonna change my mind.

this is it. this is it. this is it.

_

So i'm watching an asian drama

and girl A is in love with the guy and girl B hurt the guy in the past but still loves him.
BUT SHAME GIRL B CAUSE THE GUY LOVES GIRL A NOW.

So anyway girl A goes to girl B
"如果你那麼擔心他受傷 那當初為什麼要讓他那麼痛?"
(if you're so worried about him getting hurt, why did you cause him so much pain?)
and girl B goes
"你y以為就只有受傷的人才會痛嗎? 那傷人的那一個呢? 他連喊痛的資格都沒有"
(do you think the only person who feels pain is the one getting hurt? What about the one who is inflicting the pain? they don't even have the right to express their pain)

WELL OF COURSE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT.

yes. you hate yourself for hurting them. and you care about them so of course, when they hurt, you hurt too.
but SERIOUSLY.
too fucking bad.
you screwed up one too many times.
maybe the first time, it was an accident.
but by the second time..
you KNEW that you were hurting them, so why, why why, did you keep doing it?
Because they put up with it? Because you think that they will always forgive you? Or because you're just selfish?
if inflicting pain hurts you too... THEN STOP DOING IT. that way, you stop inflicting pain on yourself AND the other person.
Two birds, one stone.

lol this is just a drama, a work of fiction! why am i getting so worked up about it? Beacuse I'm just like this lol Yea, I tend to get affected by books or movies or dramas when i get really into them.
i remember when i used to watch korean dramas and i ended up yelling at the TV cause people were SO FREAKING STUPID. LIKE HONESTLY. UGH. FICTIONAL PEOPLE NOWADAYS.
lol.

but seriously... i feel like i can kind of relate to it.
I'm not saying all this as if i don't understand... I'm not being high and mighty.

I kinda know how girl B feels.
i've hurt people. and i've know that i hurt people and it's the worst feeling in the world to have hurt people that I genuinely cared about... and I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry. And i wish that I could reverse time, erase pain.
BUT the difference between me and girl B is that, in my opinion, I certianly HAVE NO RIGHT to even THINK that i'm allowed to talk about how pained i am, about how i didn't wanna hurt them but i did so now i'm sad.
because... well...
it was my fault.
and i'm not the victim.
I can feel guilty, I can worry, I can feel sad that i screwed things up but i think i should keep those things to myself. However, I can say sorry, I can express my regret, I can try not to inflict any more pain.
On the other hand, I don't think i'm allowed to say "I'M ALSO HURT BY MY ACTIONS THAT HURT YOU" (also, it just sounds stupid)

That's what annoys me about girl B
however pained she might feel.... She shouldn't talk about it..
She should bear it in silence. That's the punishment she earned.
BUT SHE DOESN'T
-RAGE-

but i suppose it wouldn't be very good television if girl B had morals.

_

honestly

i'm, like, dying of cuteness here.

i think the idea of love and romance and cute couples has been on my mind too much lately.
in the "AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW OMG TOO CUTE" -SQUEEEEEEEEE- sort of way
not in the "omg i'm going to die alone" sort of way (well okay it's like that occasionally, but mostly it's half jokingly anyway)
seeing this stuff just makes me happy.
O_o
i dont know why.
since when was i the type to be happy when i see others happy??
=P

_