I hate you

you're selfish
you think the world revolves around you
you think your every whim is the most important thing in the world
you only think about your capacity to be hurt, never your ability to hurt
I'm sick of putting up with your shit.

I hate you
and I'd tell the whole world why...
if they'd believe me.

_

epiphany. (Rach, i still don't get why you think it sounds dirty.)

This trip to Taiwan, these three long months, have been so short. Before i know it, i'll be back in new zealand.
for awhile(sorry guys) i was so tempted to stay here, transfer my credits/points/grades whatever to a university here and do my final year in Taiwan.
But i realized, i cant run, i shouldn't run....
it's not my surroundings that should change.
It's me.

What happened to me over these 3 months? What caused this realization?

i'll tell you if you really wanna know....

i met a wise old man who told me a story of a world that'd been forgotten and gave me a magical  necklace that had the power to save the world and i found myself sucked into an alternate universe. So, because i had no choice i set out on a quest to ensure that the world would not fall to evil and on the way i met a knight who was looking for a beautiful princess to save and i told him to come with me first and i'd help him find a his princess afterwards. So he came with me on a quest to save the world from darkness and on the way we also met a teenageer who always felt he didnt fit in and also his loyal parrot what makes really dry jokes.We all argued a lot at first but we soon learned to trust and rely on each other and we each revealed something deep dark and secret about ourselves while sitting around a campfire. I realised i was the only one who could save the world but i cracked under the pressure and threw the magical necklace away and ran away but then my newfound friends found me and gave me courage again by telling me that they cared about me and believed in me. So we carried on with our quest and then we met some enemies but our bond and friendship gave us a special magic that conquered all evil. We finally saved the world and the magical necklace shattered into a million pieces. I felt that i didnt have much time left in the alternate universe because, i ultimately didnt belong there so i apologized to the knight and told him i was sorry i couldn't help him find his princess. "I did," he replied and reached out to hug me but at that moment i was sucked into a vortex and i found myself back in our universe as if i had never left. It left me with a feeling of heartache but also wonder and warmth and realised i was a stronger person because my friends would be somewhere out there watching over me, giving me strength and courage.

LOL
LIKE MY STORY??
there's adventure, friendship, romance, good conquering evil, all that good stuff.
the type of stuff that changes someone.
sorry. i'm just being stupid.
none of that stuff happened to me (NO KIDDING AMY)
What i was trying to emphasize with my "cliche-movie-which-probably-only-attracted-people's-attention-was-because-it-was-in-3D" story was that nothing amazingly drastic happened to me.
but i still like to think that i've changed.
even if it's not obvious, i hope it eventually will be.
I want to change if i haven't already.

I'm so glad i came back to taiwan.
I missed out on a lot back in nz.
but i also gained a lot.
of weight.
just kidding.. xP
I gained a lot of experience, a lot of knowledge about myself.
I got a chance to start over, be a different person in a different environment.
Then, i realized i didn't make full use of my chance.
But that doesn't matter.
Because it made me realize what kind of person i want to be
and well.
i wanna work hard towards that ^^

So if i'm slightly different when i get back, if you feel like i've changed, will you guys promise you'll give me chance?
and if i haven't, promise not to mock me about writing all this?
lol
i'm just being hopeful because i think this attitude/mindset shift was long overdue.
by about 2 years.

_

A me telling you about what i've been up to entry

So uh hey. long time no blog. you guys haven't had to put up with me for awhile...
so forgive me that this entry is really long.

So..  sunday.. had company employee dinner at six, had to get there by 4 to help set up and stuff so coulda slept in till like 1pm or something but didn't. Instead, got up at a reasonable hour, met some friends, played some pool and realized i've lost lots of skill points in this game lol.
Headed over to company event on my friend's motorbike and we got into a minor accident on the way...
got raged at by angry driver
friend hurt her foot so another one of my coworkers came and picked me up.
finally reached our destination. was late for dress rehearsal for our performance but all good, we'd practiced it all before...
Event started, listened to some boring speeches made by our CEO, some education people, some school's principal, some random politician and we cheered and clapped, did some repetitive shouting.
(NB I work at a cram school which is like tutoring school times a million. lol. it's a bigger company/organization that you'd imagine. there can be over a hundred students in each class, for example).
Then we performed (it's funny when you spend so many weeks practicing and practicing something but when you finally perform it, it's over before you know it.)

Sat down to eat and watched performances by the other zones. Our company is pretty big and has a school/department in 5 different areas of Taipei. These performances are a competition between the zones.
Realized that our performance got owned by all the others'. They all had hot girls and hot guys doing these pro hip hop popping locking blah blah breakdancing step up 2-esque routines. (omg especially the girls TT"" hot girls wearing huge white shirt so they have something to take off during the dance to reveal short tank tops or hot girls wearing ripped tops and they were all wearing hot pants.)
HOW COULD WE COMPETE WITH THAT.
we did an easy/silly/cute dance routine and then sang an old song.... WE WERE GOING FOR CUTE and HEARTWARMING... i actually liked it..
but heatwarming v.s sexy?
sex always wins.

SO yea, ate some average food and drank some average wine. Downed a full wine glass of whiskey... Oh yeah, that's right, i'm all class. Cheered and yelled and chanted a bit more and raised our glasses to our CEO and everyone higher up in the company hierachy... which is like, everyone pretty much. we are the lowest ones...
lol.
So a bunch of us waited till our boss was tipsy and we all went and drank to him saying how grateful we were to him and blah blah and that we didnt want him to give us a raise or him to give us bonuses... just could he please shout us karaoke after dinner?
There were like.... over 10 of us... felt so bad for him lol.. but he finally agreed.
so we all headed to ximending a really busy part of taipei dominated mostly by young people. so awesome...
shopping there is like... omggg.... so awesome.
AND GUESS WHO I SAW THERE SARAH !!
羅志祥 signing posters!!
omggggg hahahahhaaa so happy.
he's a famous taiwanese singer.. for those of you who don't know.
and he's super hot.. well in my opinion. yes i have a HUGE fangirl crush on him.
was worth standing in the cold...
actually not really.
IT WAS FRICKIN FREEZING. and i was wearing shorts and pantyhose (performance dress code)
pantyhose are like a million times thinner than stockings or tights. omggggggg i felt like my legs we frozen.
FUCK it was SO cold. i still can't forget the feeling even now.

SO we started singing at 11 and sang for the next 7 hours. Yes, SEVEN.
it was awesome. like actually so awesome. i've always wanted to sing k the whole night. my wish has finally been fulfilled lol.
and some of the guys were so REALLY good singers... like super pro i-can-hit-really-high-notes-without-falsetto. or even much effort, really.
and one of the guys sounded exactly like 蕭敬騰 (another famous taiwanese singer) when he sings...
i was like "...autograph please" lol
by the time morning came around we were all losing our voices but we just kept singing louder and harder and laughed at the people whose voices broke.
hehe~ had so much fun.

got home at 7 am. showered, slept for 3 hours, went to work and just got home and hour ago.
i feel like a young person again!!
^^;;;;;;

CHINESE NEW YEAR IN A COUPLE OF DAYS !!
get a week off ! yusss so happy =]

gonna get fat over this coming week...
but i dont care cause the food is just too good during new years to even consider not eating lots. lol.
okay, i'll let you go now.
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i'm in a good mood, can you tell?

i wanted to add photos but didnt know where to place them. will upload onto facebook. yes i have facebook again. i know, no morals right?

byeeeeeeeeeeee

thought. will no one read my blogs anymore now that i'm on fb again?

_

Happy New Year exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark one one one one one

Happy happy happy 2011 everyone ^^

it's finally a new year !!
the start of a new decade.

New Years Resolution:

Don't fuck up.



.....easy right?
_

Goodbye 2010.

A lot has happened this year...
and now.. it's the last day.
It went by so fast.
First half of the year was like...
msn till 4am every night
being miserable and melodramatic
and suddenly i realized that i'd st opped doing that
and that it was october.

I'm posting this before work instead of when i get home so that it's still 2010 in nz when this entry goes up.

I hope everyone has a great new years eve. !!
like genuinely.
I'll stop complaining that i'm not doing anything special..

BUT

Most importantly, I just want to thank everyone for being part of my 2010
It's been really great.
I hope that everyone will continue being part of my life 2011, share another year of their lives with me and that by the end of 2011 we'll have had another year filled with great memories.

Love (lots and lots of it),

Amy

_

Sorry about the sentiment^^;;;
and
wow i just realized my title was really cliche.
_

2010 closure: five

okay so i lied
i'm sorry but i can't post the last one.
it's... just..
well... i can't do it.
it's too personal. too blatantly pathetic.
but i also can't bring myself to delete it.
so... uhh.. yea.
let me hang on to one thing from 2010 okay?
it'll probably end up in a folder i have, specifically for things like this lol

So Mac quoted this to me from How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe: A Novel

" I don't miss him any more. Most of the time, anyway. I want to. I wish I could but unfortunately, it's true: time does heal. It will do so whether you like it or not, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. If you're not careful, time will take away everything that ever hurt you, everything you have ever lost, and replace it with knowledge. Time is a machine: it will convert your pain into experience. Raw data will be compiled, will be translated into a more comprehensible language. The individual events of your life will be transmuted into another substance called memory and in the mechanism something will be lost and you will never be able to reverse it, you will never again have the original moment back in its uncategorised, preprocessed state. It will force you to move on and you will not have a choice in the matter. "


and well. it really got to me.
(i really want to read this book now)
but i also felt that it was a good way to end my year of thinking about the past and being emo and regretful etc etc
and
all that jazz.
 
_

2010 closure: four

Bad emo poetry !!
Writing this was... lots of fun.
ehehehe.

~

There's nothing left for you here
no one to hide from, to love or to fear
Just the echo of your own footsteps
and the ring of silence in your ears.

You had long wished for this release
For emotions to be nothing for pain to cease
And now you're in your perfect world
one that decided to grant you your peace.

You traded your all, your soul for this
No light in your world, an eternal eclipse
You dreamt and waited and prayed for this
To be lost forever and never be missed.

Your only instinct is to rejoice
That when you yell no one hears your voice
that you'll forget how to love, hate or feel
that you'll never get hurt so you won't have to heal.

_

2010 closure: three

Forgive me.
These entries are horrible and emo and... stuff.
maybe that's why i didn't publish them before.
Maybe i should've let them remain drafts.
But.. well...
I guess i should finish what i started
lol
I almost didn't post this tonight cause of the comment on my last one and how happy and touched it made me feel. but yea
finishing what i started.
_

"i'm LONELY"

someone VERY WISE once told me that i should never txt that to a guy.
heh.
so i tried it on him.
all i got was a "well played"
bastard =="
you know who you are.

I deliberately isolate myself sometimes.
To me, it's like running away for a short while.

Hiding in public library.
Hiding in Borders reading.
Walking home alone at night.
Watching a movie by myself.
Leaving my phone at home.
Sitting in Aotea Square by myself and watching people walk by.
Appearing offline, not talking to anyone and watching people sign on and off msn.
Curling up in bed when no one else is at home and pretending i'm not at home either.

Sometimes I let the loneliness wash over me.
and consume me.
And I feel so lonely that I can't stand it.

Because I want to be miserable?
that's not it.

I love being with everyone and hate being lonely.
but.
I'm just practising.
I know I'll never be content with being alone
I wish I could be though.
'cause.
something something hurt something something something.

_

2010 closure: two

The reason i wanted to do this i guess was to clear my drafts "folder" for the new year.
So i can start afresh in 2011.
And to offer myself some closure (as the title suggests)
Also to offer myself a last chance to rant about these things that I bugged people about for the whole year.

here's the second one:
(also written in november)
I don't know what i want.

I don't know whether I should run; give myself a reason to run, i'm very good at that.
Whether I should be brave for once.... and take a step forward...
Or stay where I am, hiding and retreating from everything.
I'm safe that way, aren't I?
I don't know how to not hesitate.
I don't know if I want to not hesitate.
I don't know my own heart.

help me.

_

2010 closure: one

Here is, as promised the first of my unpublished entries.
They will be in no particular order.
I wanted to post this one first cause all i listen to these days is taylor swift.

(Written a day after I'd listened to the entirety of Taylor Swift's latest album)

.you're the kind of reckless that should send me running
.Seems like there's always someone who disapproves, they'll judge it like they know about me and you
.I go back to December all the time
.The story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now
.all that i know is i don't know how to be something you miss

If the album had come out say... 6 months earlier...
And I'd heard it.. I probably would've died.
or at least really really hated some of the songs.
I'm pathetic, really.
I'm glad my mindset is somewhat different now.
And i could enjoy her songs.
But i still couldn't help letting those lines get to me just a little.

Damn you Taylor Swift.

_