Goodbye (kinda but not really)

I thought about this for a long time and I've decided that it's time to say goodbye to this blog.

Of course, this is not goodbye forever, pfft as if it's that easy to stop me from rambling on the internet. I'm just... Moving to a new blog.

I've been blogging since around the second half of my first year of high school (ah, good old msn spaces) and I got really really into it, making sure to update weekly about my life and my feelings, I tried to learn html to make glow fonts etc, I asked my readers about the themes and what they preferred.. haha I think at one point my entries would average about ten comments each. I was super proud of that at the time haha.
I even made a friend (sorta). She was an anonymous follower who actually went to my school and she'd always read my entries and comment and say stuff like "maybe I'll see you at school tomorrow and not even know it, but I hope I do". I slowly started blogging less and less when I neared the end of high school (I think it was cause CIE was pretty full on and I had to study all the time)
Aaannywayyyyy, I wanted to blog again after awhile so I started this blog at the end of my first year of uni... And it's been fun ^^ I know my blogging has become mostly angst or bad poetry but I still really enjoyed having somewhere to vent, and I appreciate that people still read my entries even if they were often vague and passive aggressive and pretentious.

So, well, I thought it was sort of fitting that I start a new one now, in the second half of my first year out of uni.

I know I've said a million times that I wanna start blogging properly again and have made a few other blogs in an attempt to do that, but have been (as you may have noticed) less than successful...

BUT

The past two chapters of my life have each had their own blog, and this new chapter deserves one too^^

I don't know how many people still actually read this, or just occasionally glance at it when they think of it, but I appreciate it a lot ^^ that people care even a tiny bit about my rambles and my life to read what I write. Ugh I wondered for ages which platform I should use..  Contemplated using WordPress for ages but I decided on tumblr in the end~
So here's the link to my new blog Chapter 7
Please visit ^^

Luff you guise

_

I've been wanting to blog for awhile, but I haven't be able to find the right words.
I've been so unhappy for awhile now and I kept telling myself that I would be okay, but the truth is, I'm not okay.
The other day, a friend told me that she felt like since the beginning of the year, I've been being chipped away at, that I'm not that same person anymore; that I've changed so much. And she's right.
I've become so bitter and unhappy and emotional. Tears come so easily to my eyes now. I find it hard to smile for people's successes. I'm scared of seeing people and having them ask how I'm doing. I'm always alone, always isolated and constantly close to tears. I distract myself with trivial things hoping that perhaps I can gain some relief from my unhappiness. I've come to doubt everything about myself. I have no confidence, and I feel like I've given up any hope of success.

I'm sick of feeling like I owe everyone around me an apology -
my family: for making them worry, for disappointing them, for not being the daughter they wanted, for not making them proud,
my friends: for neglecting them, for not being there for them, for not seeing them, for shutting them out of my life because of my misery
my boyfriend: for having to put up with my tears, for being an absent girlfriend, for having to leave him, for not being able to make him happy, for leaning on him too much as my only source of happiness

More than anything, I just want to be happy. I just want to live a happy life and feel blessed that I'm alive and be surrounded by people whom I love and love me back. I just want to not worry so much and to get through a few weeks without trying to force those tears back into my eyes by tilting my head back. I want to move forward, I want to work towards my future, and I'm so frustrated that I can't.

someone help me

Ranting (haven't done one of these in awhile)

Been finding it so hard to get to sleep lately.
Oh insomnia, why must you torture me like this every night? If you love company so much, why don't you just spend time with misery, he loves company too. (HAR HAR HAR AMY YOU'RE SO  HILARIOUS AND CLEVER.)
Even when I do manage to sleep, it brings me no satisfaction or comfort, and I don't feel refreshed at all when I wake up.
I hate this ><
I really wish I could use sleep as a form of escape, like I am used to doing, (since I've been rather unhappy again these past 2 weeks) but it seems my scumbag brain is refusing to let me do so.
Arrrggghhhhhhh and my body is now unable to handle allnighters >< so I can't even adjust my sleeping pattern.
Sigh.
WHY CAN'T I SLEEP
And I was even tired as hell today ><
Ahhh my eyes freaking hurt from being a little bitch and crying again (really, really gotta stop doing that)

I miss my rebellious/'cool'/wannabebadass teenage years when I was oddly emotionless at times and never seemed to be able to cry. My eyes were always oddly dry at times in which tears seemed appropriate.

Now I cry at every. Damn. Thing.

"Omg Dan and Steph on MKR are such an adorable couple" *cries*
"Omg advertising in which a child runs up to their mother" *cries*
"Omg I'm struggling with finding a job" *cries*
"Omg I miss my friends" *cries*
"Omg my boyfriend loves me" *cries*

I really need to cut it out ==
I cry too much, my eyes aren't gonna be able to take it.
WHY AM I SO WEAK?!

I think I'm a little off topic. The real question is, WHY CAN'T I FREAKING SLEEP?!
Well I guess I kinda know the answer to that question.. but still TT I want sleep. PLEAAAASE. I NEED A BUTTERFREE TO USE SLEEP POWDER ON ME.
I need to stop being so lame @.@

Sigh.

Mommy is gonna kill me if she finds out I'm still awake at this time.

Is it past witching hour yet? Can the BFG come and blow a dream into my window?

I miss having a bedside lamp! I wanna read ><

_

The universe isn't rooting for us

The universe isn't rooting for us,
but I am.

The seasons which are passing too quickly -
they aren't rooting for us,
but I am.

Summer, especially, seems to mock me,
leaving me in his dust and I lie, 

panting, on shards of longing, 

choking on flecks of memories.
I could never keep up with anyone     let alone the speed of
  the growing chill   and   greying skies;
the rising wind,  the falling leaves.
I used to think summer was rooting for all lovers,
  but now,
I realize he is only playing at Cupid when the days are long and warm -
a temporary Cupid whose blunt arrows are tipped
with weak poison.

Time isn't rooting for us,
but I am.
it seems as if every passing second laughs with delight as
he flies past us -
every minute regards me with eyes of malice, reveling in his agility
as he slips from my clumsy fingers.
The hour, like its younger brothers,
escapes with ease.
He too, shows me no sympathy.
I was a fool
  to pray that days would not end if I refused to shut my eyes.

Melancholy isn't rooting for us,
but I am.
She sits atop my chest and sinks her claws deep,
she knows the pain can stop my heart.
She mummifies me with shadows and she holds on so tight
that I cannot breathe.
She laps up my tears and sinks her teeth into my sadness.
The moment you leave me,
Melancholy feeds.

But surely,
Happiness is rooting for us,
as I am.
my smile that spreads and my heart that skips -
your voice which softens and your lips that linger.
  Surely,
these are the things that root for us.
It is intimacy that roots for us;
Your breath in my ear,
my hand in your hair,
and your lips brushing my palm when I reach out to touch your face.

I am rooting for us
and
I am not afraid of the universe.

_

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

For well you know that it's a fool

who plays it cool

by making his world a little colder

my song of the day ^^
It put me in such a good mood <3

_

Sweeping Declarations

Starting next week, I shall

- join the gym and go at least four times a week
- work hard on my novel and write at least 3000 words a day
- apply for at least three jobs a day
- get up early (I'll start with 8:30, then 8, then 7:30, then 7 and maybe eventually 6:30)
- read at least two books a week
- learn how to play guitar and do that 五月天 song cover I was always gonna do
- write a poem every two days (and just edit it if it's not good)

I know it's not the beginning of the year but these are my resolutions.
Let's follow up in 3 months shall we?

_

Today is my grandma's 78th birthday

And I just wanna talk about how admirable I think she is. Not only is she an amazing cook (and is badass and can chop up an entire chicken with those massive chopping knives) and kind and sweet like how people expect grandmas to be, she's also my role model.

She was super pretty when she was young and was super smart and went to the best high school in Taipei and was super athletic and was on the basketball team. She came from a reasonably wealthy family but she married my grandpa who wasn't that well off and they were poor but she was still happy and never complained and made their home happy and warm. Then my grandpa passed away when my mum was 16 and my grandma got jobs and raised her three kids by herself.

And even after she got older and her kids could support her she continued to live a really fulfilling life. Even now, she goes to interesting classes and attend seminars and speeches so she can gain more knowledge.She gets up early to exercise and practice martial arts everyday.

She's got heaps of guts and even though she can't speak English she used to come to nz by herself to visit us. She's travelled to heaps of countries and everytime she goes to Japan she freaking bargains with shopkeepers even though her Japanese isn't fully fluent.

She's really cool and plays games with us kids. She used to play gameboy and on my cousin's psp and now she's super into candy crush. She's always interested in new technology and new things and willing to learn how to use them. She learnt how to use Skype to call us and how to turn forward the time on her tablet so she has more lives on candy crush.

My grandma's also super fashionable and classy and always wears chiffon or silk scarves and still dresses up, even if she's just going out to dinner.

I hope I can be like her when I'm 78
She's still so young at heart and living life how it should be lived ^^

_

Long Vacation

There's an old Japanese drama (from the nineties, I think) called Long Vacation. 

The plot follows:

a 25 year old piano major who can't seem to find the confidence to confess to the girl he likes and doesn't play well enough to win competitions because of a mental barrier

And

A 31 year old woman who's been a model all her life but can no longer get any good modelling jobs because she's getting old and also got left at the altar by her fiancé. 

Anyway they meet and eventaully, they accidentally fall in love and consequently help each other move forward in their lives.

Near the beginning of the drama, when they're talking about how they're both kind of in a rut, and at low points in their lives, the guy says something to the effect of "think of this as a long vacation in which you've been given the time to take a rest from the things in your life that have brought you down and figure out what to do and stand back up again" 

Lately I've felt like this is my "Long Vacation". But I'm so ready for it to end. But maybe kamisama thinks my time hasn't come yet. What do I have to do to make my life move forward? 

Meet Kimura Takuya and learn how to play piano? =="

_

"Hey, I love you"

I'm not usually the type to post this kind of thing. I see no point in these sorts of text images but I saw this today and some people's faces just popped into my mind so I felt kind of compelled to write this post. 

Sometimes when I'm looking at someone I love, or I'm talking to a friend, or I'm thinking of someone I care about or even just someone I know is a wonderful person, I have this urge to smile and tell them I think they're amazing. Truly, I do. I have moments like that. 

I know, I know, it's odd right? I've never really been that type of person. I don't throw compliments around like some people do. Maybe it's because I'm awkward, who knows. But at least this way, when I compliment someone, you know I mean it because the urge to say something nice has overpowered my reluctance to talk to people. LOL. 

I think I once wrote a post similar to this, in which I told the people I love of all the wonderful things and happiness I wanted for them. That one was much simlper and sweeter, I think. 

But maybe it's time to remind the people in my life again:

"Hey, I think about you"

"Hey, I want the best for you"

"Hey, I want you to be happy all the time"

"Hey, you're wonderful and amazing"

"Hey, I wish for you at 11:11" 

"Hey, you matter so much to me" 

"Hey, when you talked to me the other day, I smiled" 

"Hey, you make me smile" 

"Hey, know that if I could, I would protect you from all the hurt the world wants to inflict upon you" 

"Hey, you truly deserve happiness and good fortune, and I wish I could give them to you" 

I'm sorry that I'm often prone to being sentimental (It comes in sudden waves, I can't control it) but I just wanna tell the people I love that I love them ^^ 

_

What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't occasionally reveal intimate details of my life on the internet?

It's been a year since that day with the shyness and the candy outside ic3 ♥

heheh

Even though I can't see him today (which I know is sad and my fault and i'm sorry) I'm still happy because he wrote me an adorable love letter and collected heart shaped candy for me ^^

這是我們的紀念日　紀念我們開始對自己誠實

　願意為深愛的人　放棄驕傲　

說少了你

生活淡的沒有味道

_

super want

R2-D2 swimsuit and R2-D2 dress! So cute! 

I'm not THAT much of a fan of Star Wars. I mean, I like it and all and I've seen all the movies but I'm not like a Star Wars buff. I would totally wear these though. I think I'm partial towards the swimsuit. Omg I actually want it so badddd!

_

Won't you stay with me

just a little longer? 

vague sketch of a fantasy

laughing at the sunrise

 like he's been up all night

Maybe six feet ain't so far down

Please come now
I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape

I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinking

_

Another Haiku

Raindrops and thunder
Are quieter than my mind
On a stormy day

_

A haiku

When I can't express
How much love I feel in words
I opt for silence

_

I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

All day
staring at the ceiling
making
friends with shadows on my wall
All night
hearing voices telling me
that I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for
something

Hold on
feeling like I'm heading for a
break down
and I don't know why

_

Dear Grandpa

I miss you. I miss you so much lately. I don't know why. Maybe it's just because mum told me that they were going to go visit you today. I wish I could be there. I'm sorry I haven't gone to see you since we put you to rest. But you understand right? I admit, I could have gone back to Taiwan over the summer and I could have visited you then, but I didn't. I'm sorry.

I don't know if there really is an afterlife but I hope you're in a good place. I wonder if you know that I'm thinking of you. I wonder if they have a system there where if someone on Earth thinks of you, you are informed of it. Maybe it's like a short note, or letter, or, god forbid, a facebook notification. Maybe it's like a mail system and once a month or something each person would line up to receive their messages or things that their family has burnt for them. Since mum and dad and Daniel are going to see you today, maybe my message I'm writing will be carried to you too. Maybe you'll be able read this blog post and know that I miss you and that I am thinking of you. And it would have been magically translated into Chinese so you could understand. Or is the world you're in one that isn't restricted by languages and everyone is able to communicate freely? Ever since your funeral, I've regretted that letter I wrote that we cremated along with you. That was a badly written letter. I was reluctant to write it because I didn't want to say goodbye. That letter never fully expressed how I felt.

I'm sorry that the few years before you passed away I hated visiting you. You seemed so miserable. You were so sick and unable to walk or to talk. It made me sad to see you like that because you used to never shut up. You were always telling stories or lecturing someone or giving your opinion on something. I hated not being able to hear you talk anymore and I hated being scared that I'd forget your voice. I hated wondering if you were really looking at me and listening to me or if your eyes were just glazed over and your mind was elsewhere. Slowly, you didn't really seem like a person to me anymore and it was like I'd forgotten what it was like to interact with you. But when you passed away, I couldn't stop reminiscing.

Do you remember how you used to be the one who got all our photos developed for us and put into albums and you would write cute captions and slip them in alongside the photo?
Do you remember how you used to sit at the desk behind me, writing while I practiced piano and you would tell me off each time I stopped playing out of frustration when I played mistakes. "just play on," you said, "pretend you didn't make a mistake and just continue. What if you were in a concert and you made a mistake, would you stop the whole performance? Just gloss over it and continue"
Do you remember how silly you thought I was but delighted you were when I declared that you and I were friends?
Do you remember how I would banter with you endlessly in the car when we went on family roadtrips? And we bet on the time that we would get home?
Do you remember how I used to watch korean dramas with you and I'd get so angry at the characters and you would laugh at me.
Do you remember you promising you'd buy me a house when I got older and then giving me a house shaped money box/piggy bank and said that was it =="
Do you remember constantly asking me if I had a boyfriend and when I said no and suggested you introduce some to me, you asked me if I liked really old men cause you only knew people your age.

I remember how you always loved me more because you thought grandma didn't love me enough. You thought I was the least favored child in the family so you favored me. You wanted to make up for the love I was deprived of from grandma. You even accused her of being sexist and loving the boy grandchild more.

Can you see me now? Are you worried about me? (Stupid question, of course you are. you worry about everything). Do you still believe in me? Are you disappointed? I'm sorry.
maybe you could still cheer me on from wherever you are.

_

I think I should run away.

I should withdraw all the money from my term deposit and buy a one way ticket to Paris.

I'll rent a small room in the attic an old run down place owned by a crotchety old Frenchwoman. My room won't contain much except a small desk in front of the window and an old dingy bed. The ceiling will be sloped and the floor will be wooden and the walls will be white. The window will open out onto a series of red brick tiled rooftops and I can climb out and sit there, gazing at the moon and the stars and the rooftops and the chimneys, smoking cigarettes and drinking cheap wine. I'll also throw crumbs to pigeons and sparrows from my window like Sara Crewe did in A Little Princess.

I'll slowly make the room mine. I'll buy cheap old worn books from markets ad secondhand bookstores and let them take up most of my floor space in stacks. They'll be scattered around me on my bed so their physical weight will keep me company and their words will lull me into wonderful dreams. I'll buy red and black moleskine notebooks and cheap parchment paper and, like Roald Dahl, start my day with seven newly sharpened pencils. My pages will be stained with the coffee and tea which fuel me as I write into the early hours of the morning with the streetlights and moonlight shining through my window as my lamp.

I'll cut my hair short and the only makeup I'll wear is red lipstick and mascara. I shall only ever wear dresses, even in the winter, except with trenchcoats and heavy scarves and stockings. 

I'll take up a job in a small bookstore or cafe or bar and be paid a miserable wage (obviously, they'd have to pay me under the table because I wouldn't have a work permit). I'll learn French from my boss and colleagues and try to converse with my customers in broken French. When I'm not working, I'll explore the streets of Paris. I'll walk down every small alley and bask in the romantic notion of my isolation and loneliness in this beautiful city. I'll sit next to the river, ignoring the couples around me who are making out. I'll  sit under a sheltered outdoor cafe and watch rain pour and the streetlights illuminate the raindrops. 

I'll send postcards to my friends and family daily. I shall write them letters every fortnight. I shall perhaps call them once a month from a phone booth next to a busy street so that they may hear the sound of traffic and people and life in the city I am making my home. 

_

Silenced
by cowardice and pride,
I turned away from him -
and my words,
jumbled and tangled on my tongue,
so unwilling to leave the back of my throat,
spilled from my eyes as tears instead.

_

snippets from europe trip 2008

I remember that night when we were on the Greek island of Paros when we were walking back to the hotel, I was just so filled with elation and happiness I literally felt drunk. Louis kept asking me "Amy, are you drunk?" and no matter how much I insisted I wasn't, he didn't believe me.
Maybe it was just being 17 in a foreign country being carried by a soft breeze on a beautiful island surrounded by friends and strangers. Maybe it was the sound of the sea or the string of lights on the other side of the island or the moon reflecting off the rocks next to the beach.
I will never ever ever forget that feeling.

_

300

I remember the film 300 was R16 and when it came out my best friend and I both really wanted to see it but we weren't 16 yet but because we were both only off by a few weeks (our birthdays are really close) we tried to beg the guy at the ticket booth to let us in but he wouldn't and we were both disappointed.

Okay so I've actually been trying to write a proper new entry for ages but I can't come up with anything cause I'm useless (well okay it's not that I can't come up with anything but more like I can't finish what I start but anyway that still makes me useless) but I just noticed that this will be my 300th published entry so I felt like I should acknowledge it.
I know that my blog has gone to shit but I also know that there are a FEW people who still read it and get the occasional emo/angsty update on my life so I just wanna say I love you guys and I wish my blog was better. I keep trying to start new blogs but I still like this one the most. I think I should give up my unrealistic dream of blogging for a living because to be honest, my life is extremely uninteresting and I am not as eloquent as I like to be.
HOWEVER I don't think I'll ever stop blogging because I will forever be someone who wants to rant and write badly on the internet and have an invisible audience.
HOPEFULLY though, maybe one day I can start up a travel blog. I think that would be the best thing ever.

Anyway, I know that I've had this blog since the end of my first year of uni and someone more dedicated would probably have more posts by now but alas, I am not that someone. I shall try harder in the future. But no promises. You guys know me by now.

Okay, that's barely any sentiment but that's certainly enough for this post.

_

It's our 10 months today and I don't even get to see him TT

To be honest, I know I have it heaps better than a lot of people but still. A lot of the time I envy other couples because they seem to be able to spend all their time together and be able to see each other when they want. And I wish it was like that for us.
And yet sometimes it's been like such a mission for him to come and see me. That's so stupid.
And I know that every relationship is different and everyone interacts in a different way and it's not right to envy other couples but still...
I just wanna be able to see him when I want, to wake up next to him sometimes, to.. I don't know.. Go out in the middle of the night on a whim to see him. I wish he was allowed to come over to mine to just hang. I wish we could just spend all day together. I wish we could go on a trip together. I don't know. They just seem like such normal couple things that people do but we don't because half the time I'm not allowed.
I have all these restrictions and I can't go out when I want, I can't attend every social event with him, can't even see him for that often most of the time nowadays and I resent that so much. I really wish that things could just be really simple but unfortunately it never is (I don't know if it's just me).
Sometimes I wonder if he might get sick of this because I'm sure things could be a lot easier with anyone else. It's just difficult with me.
And now I might be leaving soon for a year and that will just make things even harder and I don't know if I can handle it.

_

Valentines Day

I wonder how many boys throughout Japan were confessed to today.
I wonder how many girls labored to make personalized chocolates and wrap them up in cute little packages to give to the boy they like.
I wonder how many girls plucked up the courage to confess to the boy.
I wonder how many boys accepted the chocolate and the girl's affections.

I wonder how many packages were thrown away or discarded.
I wonder how many of these packages were never given out because of a lapse in courage.

_

I wish I could go for a walk right now
but the night air is cold and my hair's still wet.
Maybe I'd catch a cold
and I could blame my watering eyes on it.
I long for the chill in the wind and dampness beneath bare feet -
rain collecting in my palms and seeping through my fingers.

But it's too dangerous outside at this hour.
Best to stay in bed wrapped in shadows and nightmares -
listen to the sound of my own breathing, feel the beating of my heart and think about the day they stop.

_

Blogging angst

I wish I remembered what it was like to be honest in my blog posts.
To write in full sentences, to give an account of my day.
I wish I remembered what it was like to give reviews on a book that I liked or a drama that I had watched.
I wish I remembered how to write simply and without pretense or vagueness.
To just say: I was happy today. I did this. This made me day. This person made my day. Just talk about what had happened. What I'd noticed recently. My ideas. My dreams. Things I liked.
It used to be like that.
I'm not sure when I began to change.
Became so... pretentious. Became so lazy. My blog posts became short and vague and silly and shallow.
Maybe my heart's not in it anymore. But really, blogging was one thing that I truly enjoyed, and yet, I just gave it up.
And I keep making all these new blogs to try and start over but they never work.
I don't think a need a 'fresh start' necessarily... I just need to change the way I think, I need to change my attitude.

_