And 2012 is drawing to a close..

I'm so scared of what comes next.
Not good scared, not excited scared.
I'm terrified of where my life is going.
I really have to stop being such a child. I have to start thinking about my future. I have to get my life together. I have to make up my mind about what I want to do. And I have to stand firm behind it.
I've always wanted to do so many things but never gone and done them, and in the end, I always blame it on my parents, saying "oh, they won't let me do it" (which is true, don't get me wrong, they do disapprove of many of my ideas and want my life to go in a certain preplanned way) but I always had a sneaking suspicion that if i insisted on doing what I wanted, if i was sure, if I stood firm, if I was sure, if I was willing to fight for it and I was willing to stake everything on it, they would let me try, however begrudgingly . But I never was sure about one thing.. I never believed enough in one thing, or in myself.

Damn it. These 4 years have gone way too fast. I've played too hard, not studied hard enough.
The funny thing is that even though I'm scared right now, I think things will turn out okay. I will be okay... in maybe 10 years. I'll be okay.
Maybe that's optimism, or maybe it's stupidity.
But things will be okay. I will become the person I always wanted to be.
I believe in that much
I still believe in myself a little

_

Sunday is gloomy

I spent the whole day in my pyjamas because i feel blue and pathetic. I'm currently looking at cute pictures on tumblr to cheer myself up. In other news there is a poet that i ADORE on tumblr. Her poems are making me cry today. _

_

Maybe for once you should think about how you make others feel. Maybe you should consider how the things you say and the ways in which you say them might be hurtful.
Not everyone is as self assured as you. Not everyone has a clear idea of the world. Not everyone is so sure of everything. That doesn't make their ideas worthless or the topics they bring up less worth discussing.
What gives you the right to judge people straight away? Assess the situation before you've ever heard everything? Dismiss whatever else I have to say right off the bat? Don't you even consider, for even one second, what that's like for me? When I wanna just bring up a lighthearted topic of discussion and you CONSTANTLY shutting me down... can you blame me for being annoyed?
And when I point this out, your only reaction is anger? What are you angry about? How dare I think of you this way? How dare I be hurt because I get the feeling that you think I'm stupid? Or are you angry because you always ALWAYS have to be right?
And even IF you never meant to make me feel stupid or insignificant, even if you unintentionally hurt me, couldn't you just apologize anyway? No. No you can't.
You just have to come and fucking talk to me like that, in the coldest tone you can muster, giving an apology that's not an apology, a promise that's like an accusation, a threat.

And you know what? I bet this will be my fault again in the end.
It's always my fucking fault.

_

Nightmare

I had a nightmare this morning, before my brother woke me up and essentially saved me. The feeling of panic was still raw in my chest after I'd woken up. I felt out of breath, my lungs hurt and my chest ached.

I'd been dreaming that I was almost blind. It had hit me suddenly. My world had become blurs and dim shadows in an instant. And in the moment, I'd fallen, I'd lost the feeling in my legs, I'd felt the world spin. For some reason I had been holding a lot of stuff: piles of books, a bag filled with clothes, boxes of my treasures.
And I'd dropped everything in that moment.. And I sat there, surrounded by my possessions, blindly trying to gather them all up. But no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't pick everything up. Everything seemed to become a bigger mess.
I sat there helpless, and began to call for help. And I could sense people walking by. I could feel their eyes on me, feel their presence and hear their footsteps. But not one person stopped to help me. Eventually, I began to cry. Not cry as in tears falling slowly, but sobbing, gasping for air, trying to call out for help in a broken voice.
It was terrifying.

_

Your words touch me
I don't know why.
To me, you are nobody, nobody.
Yet they envelop me -  each syllable still warm
and moist, fresh off your tongue.
they feather across my cheek and flash in front of my eyes
as I mouthe them unconsciously,
my lips mirroring yours.
My skin scorches, my throat burns as I
swallow the significance
of each word you choose.
They pierce my chest, ink my heart
so I may never forget their darkness and their weight
or how they poisoned my blood.
Each inflection in your voice deafens me with its ring in my ears and -
the memory of your pauses are suffocating, suffocating.
So sometimes, when it storms
I stand in the rain for hours
choking on the raindrops,
trying to wash away the taint
your words have left on me.

_

so when you said,
your world,
no longer inspired,
your pen had dried,
your words,
were no longer meant for poetry -
I think a little part of me shattered.

_

I hate it

when I'm just walking down the street or I'm lying in bed doing nothing or when I'm in the shower and my mind wanders and I think of something to write and then I plan it in my head or I even start writing it in my head and I start to think "this is pretty good, this doesn't sound bad, I like this. I should write it down"
but then as soon as I actually sit down and write it, my words get jumbled, nothing comes out right, or simply, I just think "fuck, this sounded way better in my head"

#badwriterproblems

_

Okay

Today as I was walking home, a thought popped into my head.
"I'm okay" I thought. "I'm okay"
I don't mean I'm okay at something, or I'm okay now in the sense that something bad had happened to me recently and I'm getting over it..
It was simply just a thought.
My mood was okay, the weather was okay. I felt.. Okay
Not overly happy, not unhappy, I'd say "neutral" but it doesnt seem right.
I'm not saying that that I'm settling into mediocrity, no, I will never ever be satisfied with mediocrity.
I don't mean that things will be okay or that I've turned out okay.
But at that moment, it was one of those rare and wonderful times in which if someone had asked me how I was, I'd be able to answer with the utmost truth and sincerity:
"I'm okay"

_

I'm sitting near aotea square right now as I type this

Waiting for a couple of my friends to not show up =_=
Jokes. they both txted me telling me they're gonna be late. Sigh that's just how the world works, isn't it. The ONE TIME I'm not late... Everyone else is.
Anyway, it's kinda nice seeing everyone out on the weekend with their families and friends.

There's a big Diwali event on so there are stalls everywhere and therefore cable protectors on the footpath.
People keep tripping and subsequently trying to act nonchalant. It's pretty entertaining.
Just before there was this one guy who tripped but tried to pretend it didn't happen but then he looked up and locked eyes with me and he knew I saw him trip and it was so funny cause he was embarrassed as hell.
_

I hate people

Not sure if you put me in bad mood or was already in a bad mood and you just made it worse =_=

_

Murakami makes me melancholy

Makes me want to hug someone really really tight for ten minutes (and that might not even be enough)
Makes me want to sit in silence next to someone (our shoulders barely touching) for a couple of hours.
Makes me want immediate proof that the world isn't a bleak place.

His words hurt me.

But I can't stop reading.

_

Although it's not the middle of the night,

it feels like it is. Somehow. I was suddenly gripped by a strange and indescribable feeling. I want to turn the lights down, sit in the semidarkness and write something. I want to hear the sound of my fingertips tap tap tapping on my keyboard. But my laptop's broken so my iPhone will have to suffice. I even turned on the sound so as I write this, each letter makes a clicking sound. Other than that, I can hear my brother's murmurs on the phone from another room and I can hear the living room clock ticking.
It's only 11:06 and I feel lonely. It's funny, my loneliness usually hits me pretty late at night... Maybe 3 A.M. 4, if I'm still up. Which I often am. Maybe my loneliness comes from my incessant listening to of Ed Sheeran songs or maybe it's from the couple of Maroon5 songs that have been growing on me lately. Maybe it's because I've just been reading through entries of a blog I follow and read from the beginning to end of the author's love story and his words touched me in some way.

Or maybe I'm just being needy and am missing you.
_

Received some really bad news at the beginning of this week.

At first I thought I was okay, since it didn't really come as a shock but then.. I guess my mood just slowly deteriorated as the week went on.
I thought I wouldn't cry. But I guess I can still surprise myself sometimes, huh..

I think today I finally experienced what it's like to be kinda grown up and responsible. Maybe.
I was feeling really horrible today and all teary-eyed and shit but despite how much I wanted to come home and crawl into bed, I still had to face going to work.
The world keeps spinning even if you need a break (I know, how cliche)
Anyway, on the way there, the thought of dealing with primary kids for three hours filled me with so much dread I wanted to turn and just run away.
But work isn't like a uni lecture I can just skip (omg real world! Don't think I'm gonna like it ay)

I'm pretty surprised actually, that I'm in a better mood now.
Maybe it was the kids and their childish carefree energy... Their enthusiasm over something as simple as hangman, their incessant laughter or being pleasantly surprised about their reading/spelling level lol..
I'm actually feeling a lot more lighthearted. I hope it'll last me the rest of the night.
I hate having to go on as if everything's okay. I hate forgetting for only a few seconds but then feeling terrible as your laughter dies and you remember why you wanted so bad to laugh.
I'd rather be actually okay.
But it won't go away so easily this time
_

Sometimes the world comes crashing down on you all at once

I'm not really sure what to say yet.
I can't really find words to describe how I feel at the moment.
I need some time, maybe.

_

"So I take you to the beach and walk along the sand
And I'll make you a heart pendant,
With a pebble held in my hand
And I'll carve it like a necklace so the heart falls where your chest is
And now a piece of me is a piece of the beach
And it falls just where it needs to be
And rests peacefully
So you just need to breathe to feel my heart against yours now
Against yours now"

 

_

I don't like being like this

Sigh...
><
ASDFGHJKLSKJFKFHSAHSKJDK

_

I think I'm more hurt than angry.

Maybe I am a bad judge of character?
Maybe I care about the wrong people, place my trust in the wrong people, stand by the wrong people, until, in the end, I end up disappointed again.

okay, maybe I'm just being a BIT melodramatic. But honestly, I don't know how else to describe how I'm feeling.

I've always been the type to treasure my friends above all else, I've always stood by my close friends, felt blessed to have them, because I know it's hard to find friendships that really last. I'm not very good at making friends, so when I become close to someone, I hold onto the friendship because I realise that it's something precious.
I don't know if that makes me a pushover. Or if that makes me pathetic.
The fact that I don't wanna argue with you... why does that make you angry? Why do you have the right to treat me like this? The fact that I accept what you have to say, with little complaint when you're insulting the people I care about... why do you then have the right to turn around and say to me "have you given up on our friendship?"
You've been treating me like crap these past weeks and I haven't said shit to you.
You're constantly dissing me and the people the matter to me and still I talk to you, wanna hear about your life, wanna be friends.
I thought it was just a phase or something. I thought you'd get over it.
And then you give me a shitty excuse 'explaining' why you've been acting this way.
Decide you're gonna ignore me.
And then, when you see fit, talk to me again.
Only to continue saying things that you know will hurt me.

Maybe we have different views on what friendship should be like.
But you know, I don't think it's all that different.
I too, am honest with my friends, tell them what I think is best for them, care about them, hope they'll take my advice.
But I think the difference is that in the end, I think being a good friend means supporting their decisions. And being there for them, if things do turn out badly.

Are you just frustrated that I'm not taking your advice? Beacuse you think you know what's best for me?
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that you care so much about me. I appreciate that you want the best for me. But please, don't assume I'm stupid. Don't assume you know better than me. Don't assume that I can't make my own judgements.

You know, I've always defended you, I've always valued your opinion, your advice, your friendship. You're such an important friend of mine
to the extent that after all that, I was like "fine, it's okay, I'll put up with everything, I wanna be friends"
But still you just couldn't drop it.

I guess I'm just not as important to you as I thought. You just can't get over yourself.

_

I don't know what to do when people are angry at me.
I don't know what to say, and I don't know how to make things better.
It's not that I don't know how to apologize, it's not that I don't want to apologize...
I'm just.. scared I guesss?
Scared that each time I apologize, their patience wears thinner and thinner.
Scared that this time, I'll get an answer I've always dreaded.
Scared that an apology won't be enough eventually.

_

每次到了夜深人靜的時候  我總是睡不著

我懷疑是不是只有我的明天  沒有變得更好

未來會怎樣究竟有誰會知道

幸福是否只是一種傳說  我永遠都找不到 

_

STILL can't stop smiling

Curse broken?
Do I get to live happily ever after now? :3

_

"A broken heart that the world forgot"

Should I say you ruined my night in the best way possible or that you made my night in the worst way possible?
It was like a knife straight to the heart.
ouch.

I felt like I was someone who'd lost their memory and was suddenly getting it back. Or, how I'd always imagined what it would be like anyway.
I've actaully been experiencing these 'flashbacks' pretty often lately. I wonder if it's just me getting old and nostaligc.
It's not like those "ohhh yeaaaa guyss rememberrrrr??" moments.
It's much stronger than that.
It's like all these images just appeared in my head all at once and I think "how could something so vivid have disappeared from my mind? How could I have forgotten? How could I have carried on living without these moments and the feelings associated with them? How could I be the person I am without these memories? How could I have completely forgotten something that I remember so clearly?"
and yet I had completely forgotten about them. It's like they had never happened. But they had, and here was this memory trigger.
And for a second I felt numb.
I felt.. dumbstruck, I guess.

Every note and every word is so familiar to me.
 And even though I've stopped playing the song now,  I can't bear to press play on the song I was listening to before.
I don't want to let that feeling die yet. I mean, it's fading, it's faint, it's almost just out of my reach... 
It's like you just woke up from a dream and it was a good dream, and you don't want to forget it yet, but you feel it slipping away, so you sit there, still, afraid to move, almost afraid to breathe because you're scared that any action will put a new idea in your head and you'll accidentally let the memory of the dream go and then you're just left with this 'feeling' that you can't explain, an emotion with no basis.

I know it seems like I'm making a huge deal out of one song. But songs mean so much to me. I can't begin to describe it. And this may or may not apply to everyone, I don't know. But I associate moments in my life to certain songs. I relate people to certain songs.
Music. It kills me.
I remember moments because of the song that was playing in the background. I remember summers because of the song I'd discovered. I remember conversations because of the lyrics we'd discussed. I remember periods of my life because of the song I'd been obsessed with. I remember people because of songs I'd sung with them, and the songs they'd recommended me.
Et cetera.

Okay. Just 1 more time.

Who am I kidding, I'ma put it on my phone.

_

guise

 guise
GUISE
GUISE 


READ THIS:
http://www.mat.upm.es/~jcm/murakami-perfect.html/

asdfghjkl; omg murakami TT

_

I sound like an idiot when I try to explain myself to people

Obviously, everyone wants other people to see them in a specific way. That's why they act the way they do, dress the way they dress, say the things they say. It's they way they present themselves to the world.
Sometimes, I think I don't do a very good job of expressing myself. Sometimes, I don't act the way I want to act, say the things I want to say.
I'm not sure if other people have the same image of me as I do.

All in all, I think I know myself pretty well.
And sometimes, I wish someone else in the world would or could know me just as well. So I try to explain.
Everything makes sense in my head. But then, when I try to explain it to someone, I almost always fail miserably. I tend to get halfway through an explanation, decide I'm not articulating something correctly and give up. I wave my arms like an idiot, say "I dont know" a few times and that's that.

I fear it makes me sound like an idiot, or worse, like I'm trying to be different and deep and mysterious. Damn it.

Then I get reminded of this quote:

“I can never say what I want to say,” continued Naoko. “It’s been like this for a while now. I try to say something, but all I get are the wrong words - the wrong words or the exact opposite words from what I mean. I try to correct myself, and that only makes it worse. I lose track of what I was trying to say to begin with. It’s like I’m split in two and playing tag with myself. One half is chasing the other half around this big, fat post. The other me has the right words, but this me cant catch her.” 

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood  

_

Sometimes I wonder

Am I the only one who didn't hold on?
The only one who didn't fight?
The only one who didn't take even a tiny bit of risk?
The only one who didn't throw myself, defenseless into something out of my depth?
The only one who didn't deserve even a tiny bit of the immense amount of sympathy I was shown?

It was just me, wasn't it?

_

The other day my English lecturer gave us some advice

"don't fall in love or you will go to hell"

_

Birthday

Well, it was actually on the 11th.
But today it felt like my birthday again ><

I honestly can't even begin to describe how happy I am.

To receive presents from my friends, to get a book filled with everyone's messages and wishes, to have everyone sing happy birthday to me, it really meant so much
For someone like me, who is constantly afraid of losing friends or feeling estranged, who believes she is not that significant, who actually ran away to taiwan so her friends would not have to feel obligated to celebrate her birthday for her,
felt so loved and also felt silly for thinking that way.

_

I'm so fucking tired.

I need some sleep.
I need some peace.
I need to just stop thinking.
I need silence.
I need a moment of happiness, one that will make me forget everything else.

"I need you to be -" I said, and then I started to cry.
"Be what?" she said, opening her arms.
"Not sad," I said.”
-Nicole Krauss, The History of Love

_

Sometimes all it takes is a greeting from an old friend, a moment of understanding, that feeling of familiarity and you think, maybe everything WILL be okay.

_

Another cool story

I was walking home with my mum the other day and suddenly I felt this shiver down my spine. You know the type - when you just feel cold suddenly for no reason? (and people say it's because someone walked over your future grave or something)
Aaaaaaanyway, so I felt this shiver and I looked to my right and then I saw this dog, about 5 meters away. It looked directly at me and started barking.
And then I suddenly remembered that dogs can supposedly see/sense ghosts and also I was reminded of that 'I see dead people' movie, in which if you feel cold for no reason, there are ghosts around you (since that kid was always talking about being cold)

So then I was scared.
And kept looking behind me.
And couldn't sleep that night.

_

The other day

I was on a bus and I looked out the window and I saw a giant toy pikachu on display outside a shop. Excitedly, I tugged on my mother's arm and exclaimed "OH MY GOSH MUM LOOK AT THAT PIKACHU"
And LITERALLY a split second later, a two year old child in front of me screamed "MUMMY LOOK AT THAT PIKACHU"
And then everyone on the bus giggled.
It is very sad that I notice the same thing as a two year old =_=
Sigh my maturity level.

_

I wish I could just run away

_

I'm in Okinawa

and it's such a beautiful place.
The beaches are amazing and the sea is sparkling and shimmering and mesmerizing and combined with the sky they're a dizzying blue.
Anyway, I'm not trying the describe the scenery.
I'm not particularly good with words.
But what I'm actually (very poorly) trying to convey in this post is that when I look out at the ocean and see the way it stretches out so far and seems so boundless and then the line where it meets the seemingly endless blue of the sky I feel an immense ache rising in my chest.
It's like Jeannie's post (http://jeannieandamywritethings.blogspot.jp/2012/06/hey-have-you-seen-this.html?m=1) about a view being so beautiful that it hurts.
It really really hurt when I looked out at the ocean.
Maybe I should stop trying to seem all deep and poetic and sentimental and romantic
Maybe there's just something wrong with my heart D:

_

I never told you.

I never told you
I was close to tears that day.
That day when rain was about to fall
and the sky was darker than grey.

I never told you why
I walked three steps ahead,
thankful for your hesitation and delayed footsteps.

I never told you how
when you reached out to touch my shoulder
and your fingers grazed my neck
I flinched,
because I couldn't bear the warmth of your palm and
the weight of your concern.

I never told you when
I looked up at the sky, laughing,
my voice louder than usual,
I was hoping my tears would fall in time with the rain
so they could hide among the raindrops.

What I never told you
were my words that the wind drowned out;
the words that were carried away on a current
into an ear they were not meant for

_

It's monsoon season

Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams
let it wash away my sanity
'cause I wanna feel the thunder I wanna scream
let the rain fall down,
I'm coming clean

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain

Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you baby
Just like the clouds
my eyes will do the same
If you walk away
Everyday it will rain

Now I, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now

下雨天了怎麼辦我好想你

這城市的小巷 雨下一整晚

雨 不停落下來

so, like,
You can stand under my umbrella ella ella eh eh

_

What goes on inside my head sometimes.

Some of my female friends are so beautiful and smart and amazing and funny and cute and talented and fun and witty and intelligent and interesting and kind and gentle and caring and compassionate and determined and hardworking and in possession of so many admirable qualities...
that sometimes wish I was a guy so I could court, and marry one of them so I can keep them by my side forever.

(imsorryimweirdpleasedontleavemeijustloveyouguise)

_

This made me lol

I love it when fobs create images like this and think it's clever and deep cause it's like a pun.

Nowadays,

your words hurt me
it didn't used to be that way.

the phonecall, that night,
those unfinished lines.

I'd burnt that letter with the lighter I stole,
watched the words turn into smoke
and the ashes fall.

I wish I hadn't, now.

the ashes,
they were unimpressive.
like your handwriting,
smudged, dark, messy.

but your words.
your words
your words
your words

they held a certain charm.

_

When I met you, it was pretty much like love at first sight?

haha. I know that's stupid =_=
despite being a sentimental, slightly whimsical (romantic at times) person, love at first sight is not exactly something I believe in.
So I wanted to refrain from using that phrase.
But, well, I guess it was something like that =_=

sigh.

I was enchanted to meet you ?
(Damn you Taylor Swift)
"I spent forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you?
This is me praying that,
this was the very first page,
not where the story line ends,
my thoughts will echo your name,
until I see you again,
these are the words I held back
as I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you~
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you"

but... like... Trust my luck =.=

lollll

Man, I was pretty obsessed.

I liked you for pretty much no reason.
Except, well, "he's handsome charming and funny no homo" lolllll direct quote from msn message history (I'm sure whoever said this will remember having said this xP)
Aaaaaaanyway, I didn't even know you that well?
I was just like "omg he got 96% in CIE english" ?!?! LOL
Haha so random.... 
I'm ususally never like that ><"
I remember people asking me why I was so different when I was around you.
Why was I so giggly and happy?
Freaking hell.
I guess I got what I wanted. That feeling of liking someone, crushing on someone. Like back in high school. Damn it.

and then, well, things didn't exactly go the way I'd wanted them to. gg.

so, like, buried my feelings, let myself become cold towards you, ignore you, avoid you, didn't talk to you much except for that massive facebook post lol....

But this year, what the hell! So random.
How did it even happen?
But yea, just randomly people asked if there was something going on.... there wasn't! Not at first?
I didn't even dare entertain the idea anyway.... I didn't wanna think about it...
I'd buried those feelings, damn it!
I thought you would never like me. Why would you?
And then Carmie was like "He might like you, you should think about whether you like him"
(poor Carmie, getting so stressed about it... ILY <3 pro matchmaker kkkkk)
I was just like "asdjgfdafsdgfhjgdfsd what" and I didn't know how to react, I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't wanna say I liked you. I didn't wanna admit it again. Didn't wanna get my hopes up.
No expectation, no disappointment, right?

but but but then..

you bought me candy.
(LOL JOKES xD)

♥

(this feels so strange, being so... not vague on my blog.... LOL. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

_

So promise you'll be careful with my heart.

wow this was a draft from aaaaages ago. Why didn't I ever post it?
I'd searched for it as soon as I'd heard it on HIMYM Season 4, Ep 23 (yes, I just googled it, I'm not THAT big a fan that I'd remember what episode/season it was from. Although.. okay, I do remember the name of the episode... yes, it's okay, judge me. I judge me, too.)

Anyway,
uhm, yea, this song.... relevant, maybe?
zzz am I going through that phase where I find too many love songs relevant? =.=

_

When you say stuff like that...
it just makes me want to run to wherever you are.
So I can see you.
Even for just five minutes.

asdfghjkjhgfdsaasdfghkj.

_

Although this doesn't completely fit..

我平凡無奇  而你　
像燦爛星星　讓我擔心
明明很愛你　明明想靠近
但是你的身邊有人捧花總是擁擠
我憑什麼一一打敗情敵　
敢大聲說要做你的唯一


still feels relevant


_

Something I gotta let you know~

Baby you’re just so beautiful~~



_

If you have something to say about me

say it to my face.
If you have something you want to say to me, man the fuck up and say it.
Don't go around telling other people about it.
Don't make it sound like I don't know what I'm doing.
and you know what's best for me?
You're fucking kidding me.
Don't act like you know what I'm thinking, what I want, what I need.
You have no claim over me.
You have no responsibility to 'protect' me, nor do you have the right to do so.
Even if I get hurt, it's none of your damn business.
Stop trying to play people, stop trying to think you know how to manipulate everyone.
who are you to think that you're smarter, better? 
Also, I don't need you to go and tell people things on my behalf, thinking you know it's what I want.

Do you just not get it?
Do you just not get me?
Even though i've tried to explain countless times?

You think you're so good at understanding people and stiuations but honestly, 你什麼都不懂

看了不高興嗎?.... come talk to me about it, I dare you.

_

I remember tumblring this around this time last year~

當 你的眼睛
瞇著笑　
當  你喝可樂
當你吵
我想對你好　
你從來不知道　
想你  想你　
也能成為嗜好
當  你說今天
的煩惱　
當  你說夜深
你睡不著
我想對你說　
卻害怕都說錯　
好喜歡你
知不  知道

_

This day is slowing becoming shittier and shittier.
=_=

thanks life, thanks so much.

_

This past week...

It's felt like a frickin' dream.
It seems like time has passed so slowly.
It seems like it's been longer than a week.

and yet. Each day has passed so fast.
> <

_

Keep wanting to write a new post

but i can only sa;jfg;kdskjdkgkflgdlhkfjds for now.
ahhhh i'm so silly~
>_<

_

I've recently come across some people's blogs...
People who I didn't know had blogs.
And.. well...
I've gotta say, I kinda wanna change my blogging style.
Maybe I should write more.
Maybe I should write about stuff that happens, stuff I like, people I spend time with...
like I did back in 4th form?
lol do you remember?
><"
sigh I don't know...
I think I'm a little sick of being emo and cryptic lately....
and yet I can't bring myself to blog like I used to.
I don't know.
argh what am I even writing...

_

No expectation, no disappointment

don't forget it again, Amy.

_

Am I really that incapable of being happy?

or better yet.
Is the universe really that unwilling to let me be happy?

_

If happy ever afters did exist

I would still be holding you like this

_

It's the middle of the night

and these thoughts are creeping up on me again and making me feel insecure and uneasy.
damn it.

ugh I'm not really sure how to word it ><"
like.. you know how sometimes after people have dated for awhile they find out all these amazing things about their boyfriend/girlfriend and realise how great they are? And then like them even more?

well... I dont think there are any amazing things to discover about me...
I think... people will just get sick of me after awhile...
sigh...
I feel like there's nothing deeper than what you see...

People have told me before that guys like me because I have a sense of mystery around me..
but maybe that's because I'm actually scared of letting people know me too well.
Maybe the reason I rarely ever get too deep into relationships is because I'm scared that people will eventually realise there's really nothing to me.
They won't slowly discover new things about me and like me more.
Instead they might grow sick of me, they might think I'm boring, they might decide they don't like me anymore.
And rather than face that... I guess I just always choose to be alone.

That air of mystery is really just insecurity.

wth is wrong with me...

_

To be honest,

I'd really like to fall in love.

Lol I've put off this post for so long because I didn't want to sound desperate but I realised that I'll never stop drafting this in my head until I actually write it.

And when I say fall in love,
I don't mean "OMG I want a boyfriend"
I just mean I want to fall in love.

If fall in love is a bit extreme, how about just a crush?
How about just being extra happy to see someone?
How about just being somehow drawn to them?
Having your heart skip a beat when they initiate a conversation with you?
How about just being unable to supress your smile when you see them?
How about wanting to see them and talk to them all the time?
How about wanting to make them happy?

What about just growing close to someone again without worrying about anything else?
Can I just start with that?

I don't really remember what it feels like anymore.
I only recall the heartache.
Isn't that sad?

I remember being just okay.
I remember hating it.
I remember being miserable.
I also remember just being really happy.. I guess.
But I don't think I remember (or even know) what simple, sweet beginnings are like.

I'm not one of those people who are particularly fond of being in relationships. I like being alone. I don't really know how to get along with people. I don't know how to let people into my life. I put up walls (yea I know cliche, whatever, it's late, I'm tired).

But I guess it'd be nice to know what it's like to be really happy because of someone else.

Damn it I sound 14.

_

Fuck

This part reminds me of this guy I went to high school with.

I remember him saying to me "I'd really like to know what it would feel like to stab someone. Like, how much resistance human flesh has against a sharp blade?"
And then he proceeded to say that he wouldn't kill anyone but hoped that he might happen upon someone who had already been stabbed to death so he could have a go too before he reported the murder.
Wtf. I'm scared now.

_

I fell asleep reading the autobiography of Jack the Ripper last night

And I picked it up just now and proceeded to start again where I'd bookmarked it only to realize I have no recollection of the past chapter.
How did I read an entire chapter and not remember it?
I mean, I fall asleep with QI playing all the time so I know what it's like to have watched something but have no recollection of what actually happened but I've never done that with a book before.
I must have been really tired lol

_

Lol thanks

for talking some sense into me.
I'll try not to forget what happened and what you said and your reaction lol
I kinda already knew what you'd say and I was kinda scared to mention it to you at first.
But you're right.
And I'll try not to get sucked in again.

_

I'm torn

_

this picture makes me lol

Cause most of the time when i'm on the phone with mum I'm practically begging her not to hang up.
lol I'm so needy.

_

I miss playing in the school orchestra

in high school it was the concert band, I guess..
I know, I know, we weren't very good.
But nevertheless, it was still a lot of fun.
It's not only my flute playing that I miss, it's the feeling of arriving in the hall or the music room and setting up the chairs and music stands.
Everyone knew where they were supposed to be, where they were supposed to set up. 
I miss the rustle of paper when everyone pulled out their sheet music, flipped the pages back and forth and compared their annotations.
I miss that cacophany created by everyone tuning and warming up their instruments.
ahhh
good times.
I miss being part of something I guess?
I miss that feeling of happiness and sense of accomplishment when we played something the whole way through.
I miss thinking "Damn, we sounded really good that time"

_

Sliiiiiiiiightly obsessed with this

My fingers are poised over my keyboard

but my mind is just like 'lolno'

_

I've become despicable to you

I can hear it in your voice.
I don't blame you though since I'm not a big fan of me either.
but that seems to anger you too.

_

I think they should invite charlieissocoollike to be one of the panelists on QI

_

Sigh, time for another one of THESE posts

Just had a talk with mum and I feel like I'm a complete failure.
I've disappointed myself, and I've completely disappointed my parents.
I've gone through life not thinking about my future, not planning for it and then, BAM
grown up life is no longer very far away.
And I hate this place that I'm at.
I hate what I do, and yet, I can't not do it. I've no other path to go down.
I've become lazy and useless. I'm no longer clever, I'm no longer hardworking.
I havent accomplished ANYTHING I set out to do, mainly cause I kept changing my mind.
And even now, I still keep changing it.
I don't want to do postgrad
but here I am, doing it.
I can blame my parents for forcing this upon me, but really, it's not their fault.
They let me choose to major in English, which I've also grown to hate.
I didn't think ahead. I didn't think "maybe I should do Bcom, that'd be more useful"
I'd wanted to study Japanese, but because of complications, I just gave it up.
I'd wanted to do creative writing but then decided I didn't like the way they taught it.
I'm not passionate about anything.
What happened to me? I used to be so ambitious, so independant.
Now I'm actually saying "hmm I guess I wouldn't mind doing a 9-5 job, I follow instructions well anyway"
I'm actually saying to my parents "you guys think i'm much smarter than I actually am" whereas I used to say "I'll prove that I'm smarter than you think"
I wanna give up postgrad and just work
but then, who'd actually hire me?
Why am I once again, starting something and not intending on finishing it?
I've gone through life not giving a damn and I've relied on the little bit of 'smarts' I was blessed with to get me through life. I've done okay in school. Pretty well in high school.
But things are different now. That can't save me anymore.
I have to take action. DO something with my miserable life.
It's like I still havent learnt my fucking lesson. I'm still doing assignments last mintue and just skimming the readings. wtf is wrong with me.
I'm gonna regret this.
My mother's right.
I DO have a plan for what I wanna do in, say, the next 6 to 7 years... But knowing me, I probably won't do it, right?
My parents say "just get through your masters, it's another 2 years, tops"
But the though of that just kills me. But maybe I should force myself to do it. To prove that I can. To prove that I'm still able to work hard. But the thought of it just seriously kills me. I don't WANT to do it. But I can't do anything else. And who's to say that I won't need the staus that this MA gives me?
Say i DO become a teacher, what if I just end up doing that for the rest of my life?
What if one day I realise I'm 50 and I spent my life doing what I swore would only be a few years so I could save up?

"Stop complaining. Since you know what's wrong, change. DO something. Make things different"
YEA I KNOW.
But it's really hard.
I'm scared.

_

I no longer want to curl up and die when I hear that song.

Yey!
Lol it randomly came up on my iPod just now and while i usually just skip it as soon as the opening notes play, I was kinda far away and I didn't get to my iPod in time to change it.
It was already too far into the song lol.
So I had to just listen to it.
But but but
I found that I actually enjoyed it.
ENJOYED IT.
Heh.
I guess things DO pass
(:

_

Why is goodbye so hard?
I never loved you anyway.
Harsh, I know,
but reality is.
 Though,
if you hadn't smiled at me that day,
perhaps things would be different.

I'd hated my time with you.
each silence sparked by a sentence left unsaid
was like a splinter
stuck under my skin, in my flesh
and I feel, even now, those
sudden sharp stabs.
Oh how I regret letting them
scratch at my tongue, at the insides of my mouth.
My malice wasn't easy to contain you know,
but I hadn't wanted to damage you that much.
Just... Enough.

And I'd hoped the damage dealt would be
 like papercuts -
sudden, unexpected, clean..
Invisible at first, you'd think nothing of it until
the pain, delayed by a millisecond,
would catch up, sink in.
The blood would surface, slowly at first
then suddenly, all at once.
Like the look of surprise spreading across your face.

And best of all,
papercuts are slow healing.
you'd hold a pen,
touch a piano key
 flinch
and be reminded of my words, your wounds.

_

hi

Okay so i've been working on a new piece of my shitty random writing of not really poetry but when i edited on my phone at uni it didn't save and then gg now I can't remember how it went and I'm very much discouraged.
so I'm just gonna rant for a bit instead.

zzzzzzzzzz I can't tell if you're serious or not it's really annoying me and I can't tell what kind of person you are so I don't really know if I can trust you it's pissing me off but really not that much lol idk I hate not knowing exactly what's going on but then what's the worse that could happen this isn't really that big a deal I'm sure you're nice enough but then I don't know!!
asbfjdaghuflhgskhfdjkahdfkj
oh I'm so eloquent.

zzz

_

sigh

the drafts are piling up again...

_

Been reading a lot of poetry lately

And sometimes when the poem's just too damn good, I sort of curl up and rock back and forth for a bit.
And whimper. lol.
I have to close my eyes for a second, or close the book, put it down and collect myself.
Sometimes I might have to get up and walk around for a bit.
Maybe jump up and down a couple of times.
Cause it would actually pain me to continue reading.
It's like, if I did, my heart and my mind would just explode.

Death by poetry, imagine that.

_

Spent the whole day listening to this on repeat

so good T^T

_

wow I wrote this 2 years ago in the middle of the night

Who are you
to force your way
into my day,
into my mind
so that I find
my scattered thoughts
on the ground like fallen leaves?

Who are you
to reach into my dreams
and grab my hand
as if you planned
for this moment to come and
then last forever?

As if this weren't enough
who are you
to invade my thoughts
like you fought
for the right
to be there
on my sleepless nights?

And as the one who stayed
by my side
day after day
night after night
who are you
to then decide
to turn away
and never look back?

_

sorry.. i was too lazy to write a new one today.. so i'm cheating.

"Eyeliner and cigarettes" she sang.
well, that's what I'd like to have in my purse.
And a little bit of money, maybe.
Matches too, a little box,
I'm not asking for much.

Perhaps I'll dress in black,
look melancholy,
mimic musicians - the ones who aren't doing so well.
I'll stand outside bars with smudged makeup,
practised nonchalance,
and one foot against the wall.
 Isn't that how they do it?

I'd light a cigarette, hold it delicately
between my fingers.
Bring it to my lips, gracefully,
inhale, exhale. 
Arrange my expressions carefully,
knowing people are watching the rise and fall
of my chest and the smoke curling.

Perhaps it'd be a beacon
that could lead you to me.
That faint red glow, enough to light your way.
I wouldn't even have to burn any bridges.

Then, with black coffee and sugar
we could banish sleep and stain our teeth.

I'm always looking for another vice.

_

Do that sexy thing you do with your tongue

Talk intelligently and at length

_

(source: http://cutlerish.tumblr.com/ )

I forgot what you said that night
You were whispering and so was I.
I remember the spider on the wall though,
and my grip on the telephone receiver.
 I remember the way you spoke,
not your voice.
The way you pronounced your words
what you stressed and left,
unstressed.

I forgot what I said that night
I only know I was lying.
my words were coated with deceit...
which left a sugary taste on my tongue.
who knew.
I'd only heard that revenge was sweet.

_

Today

as I was walking home across the Symonds street bridge, I started to think again about what it'd be like to jump over the the railings, to fall to my death.
I, or anyone.
But I prefer writing in first person.

Would I sit atop them for a moment? Let my feet dangle? Would I look down at the cars speeding past on the motorway?
Would I close my eyes and let myself slip, like a scarf that you tossed on the back of your chair slips, suddenly and without warning, seemingly triggered by nothing?
Would I look back hurriedly one last time, hoping for a glimpse of something significant, something beautiful to be my last sight?
Or would I close my eyes and leap off the edge, and, for a moment, feel like I'm flying?
How cliche.

_

Hey Idiot,

I suddenly miss you.
I was going through old entries and saw one of your comments and it made me laugh. But also made me want to insult you. Hence me addressing you as 'idiot'.
I wonder if you still read my blog sometimes. You used to appear in my comments on occasion.
I doubt it lol you're too busy for me now.
I can't believe it's been so long since you left. You lucky bastard.
It's been ages since we talked wtf.
Sigh.
I feel like reminiscing about old times. Maybe I'll go find all that msn message history and skim through that familiar green font.
_

Everytime I go to a concert and I'm standing there among the crowd in the dark, listening to a slow song that I really love, I feel like reaching out to the person next to me and slipping my hand into theirs.

And everytime, without fail, I am reminded me of this passage from Ella Enchanted

For the last song a paean to the rising sun (because they have performed through the night), they gather their families about them. Husbands and wives and children clasp hands, tilt their heads heavenward, and release their music. And I, seated with the few other visitors, add my weak voice to theirs, humming when I can't guess the words and wishing my hands were held too.

 I'm also reminded of the concert scene from Nana

 And in the movie

omg so emotional T^T

lol you guys probably have no idea what I'm talking about and just think I'm creepy.
which I am.
;)

sigh I always ruin my sentimental posts because I can't resist being creepy or sarcastic =_=

_

Shit like this

really annoys me



It's so stupid. I just... ugh. I am suddenly rendered speechless by my anger. lol.
Okay, so I've seen stuff like this in the past and just ignored it but I was scrolling through facebook and someone had shared this and I just felt the need to blog about it lol ><

Are there seriously girls who see this stuff and think "OMG maybe NOW the world will understand me"? Are there boys who see this and think "I'm sorted, I've got girls all figured out now" ??

(On a side note, I also hate those STUPID facebook groups and twitter accounts called "lovequotes" or "inspiringquotes" etc)

Yes, maybe sometimes we all say things we don't mean but this is implying that all women are difficult to deal with and constantly want people to guess at what they're thinking.
Maybe sometimes everyone wishes that people would sense that there's something wrong and worry about you but this implies that all women are needy and are attention seekers.
It implies that women are all selfish and everything they say is calculated.
It's saying that women NEVER say what they mean.
It's teaching people to never trust women, pretty much.
wtf.

"female dictionary" psh. How offensive.

maybe I'm focusing too much on the blatant sexism of this.
I guess I should just be angry at HOW STUPID people are. Especially people who come up with this stuff and think that they're cute or clever. And I bet it was a female who made this.
ugh.
I hate people.

I know what you're thinking. "Amy's getting worked up over something silly again. It's not that big a deal."

But seriously. This stuff is sexist and yet people are constantly liking it and sharing it. It's teaching people not to trust. It's teaching people to calculate and overthink. It's saying that women are silly and irrational and pathetic. It's saying that women are incapable of dealing with their problems alone.

Oh and also, this fuels the whole guys thinking that they can understand you and solve all your problems and constantly ask you what's wrong and never believe you when you say nothing. It pretty much condones people badgering you because they think you're needy and pathetic and that you need someone to constantly decipher everything you say.
(okay this last bit was a bit personal lol sorry)

_