Gumby lvl 100

So, my gumby-ness has reached new heights.
I don't even know how it happened... I'm truly a master.
While tripping over my own feet, I managed to make my right shin collide with my left heel. Wtf.
How does that even happen? Why was I born without any shred of coordination?
So anyway, I fell and clasped my shin in pain. But at the same time, the ridiculousness of the situation hit me and I started to laugh like a maniac at how gumby I am.
So there I was, laughing but howling in pain.
My mother came running, stared at me for a bit, shook her head and muttered something which included the word "crazy" and walked away.

Sigh.

I'm gumby AND crazy huh.

fml

_

Last Christmas

I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special~

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby
Do you recognize me?
Well, it's been a year
It doesn't surprise me~

Happy Christmas
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kiss me now I know you'll fool me again
Oh~

(:

Merry Christmas guys~
Love you all <3

Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him drink his wine
And we always had a mighty fine time
SINGIN'

Joy to the world~
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me

-bumbumbum-

_

Time to pay my dues.

-

I went to your wedding~~

(i guess no one will get that reference in the title... it's a super old song)
Anyway, I went to a wedding.
I have to admit, I teared up a little. Silly, huh.
idk what did it..
I mean, it was cute. They did the whole slideshow thing and the obligatory parental wellwishing speech.
They walked into the ballroom venue dueting a cute love song.
The bride was super pretty and the groom was kinda cute too.
blah blah.
lol. I'm sorry. That's rude. I shouldn't make light of their special day.
No, I just mean, WHY THE HELL DID I TEAR UP?
Am I one of those crazy emotional spontaneous criers?
Is is that I'm older now and understand the world more? So I feel things more? ugh idk (it is a lot easier to make me cry nowadays.. as opposed to, say, my intermediate and early high shool days)
I didn't even know the bride that well. Or at all. I know her younger sister better. And still, not even that well.
Am I warming to the idea of getting married?! lol.. it's not like i was ever against marriage.. it's just that I was never one of those girls who planned out their wedding in excruciating detail by the time they were 10. I never played brides with sheets as a child.
I was thoroughly perplexed.
Maybe I waws just caught up in the moment of the bride and groom being so adorable together, being so in love and everyone being so happy.
Maybe I just wondered for a split second if i would ever have that happiness and in that split second I decided I wouldn't and I felt sad.
Maybe it's my foreveraloneness tauting me. lololololol
just kidding.
It's not that complicated. Maybe weddings are just touching and love is worth tearing up for.

After the wedding I spent the next 2 days telling my parents I thought i would be alone forever and no one would want to marry me and i wanted them to find me a husband and i wanted to get married now.
they got really really annoyed. and worried.
trololololololololololol
I'm an annoying child.
Maybe I'm like Chandler and my humour is a defense mechanism =P and i'm actually super worried noone will marry me D=

trust me to ruin a wonderful thing.


bwahahahahahahahaha

_

Bullet Points

• I need a new keychain. Woody  fell off ): I just found him on my bed. I didn't even notice T__T  got that when toy story 3 came out... guess it's been awhile. allg though. i used to collect keychains so I have an ice cream container of them. Funny, when I was collecting those keychains as a kid, I never thought one day I'd actually have my own keys to hang on them.

• I'm capped. ahhhhhhhh. it's been a slow week.

• Taiwan!! Going to buy tickets tomorrow...I just jokingly suggested it to my parents and they said yes and now they're really enthusiastic about it.. so I guess.... I'm going. I'll be gone by friday at the latest~ hope iphone gets here in time ><" IT MIGHT GET HERE BY TOMORROW. PLEASE LET IT COME TOMORROW!

•   when people look at you strangely and expectantly... and the situation becomes slightly awkward.. say something or act in a way that will make it more awkward. cause then... it becomes REALLY REALLY FUN. well, for you anyway. Everyone else just tries to act nonchalant even if they're uncomfortable as hell.

Now that exams are over...

To do list:
- apply for summer school
-sort out application for postgrad
-sort out application for Bcom
-sort out application for DipLang
-figure out if I can actually study so many things at once
-lose some weight (possibly start gyming... lolz who am I kidding...)
-get drunk a few times
-tidy the house (and keep it that way)
-get a job
-play a litte (:
-learn to cook some new dishes
-learn to bake better
-watch all the seasons of QI and Would I lie to You
-get started on my list of books I want to read !! (yay so excited!!!!!!)
-start writing again :3

wish me luck guys ^^

_

Let me just take a moment to say

I love David Mitchell SO MUCH.

_

it's 11/11/11 today!!

omg.
and at 11 past 11 today... the magic will be extra powerful and everyone's wishes will come true!! :3
I'm so happy~~
hehe \^0^/

Also, it's pepero day!

 Pepero Day is an observance in South Korea similar to Valentine's Day. It is named after the Korean snack Pepero and held on November 11, since the date "11/11" resembles four sticks of Pepero. The holiday is observed mostly by young people and couples, who exchange Pepero sticks, other candies, and romantic gifts.
(courtesy of wikipedia)
(I totally did not reference this correctly. OH NOES!)

11/11 is also singles day! Which allegedly originated from university popular culture in China.
lol for one group of asians it's valentines.. but for another group.... sigh.
rofl.

But anyway, I'm gonna buy some pocky for myself to celebrate singles day!!! :D :D
oh the irony.
kinda.

forever alone.

how appropriate =P


_

Horrible Histories

In one of the episodes of QI, they talked about animals being trained to be useful in wars.
Russians trained dogs to run under tanks by putting food underneath tanks. They did this so that in the war they could tie a bomb to the dog and the dog would run under an enemy tank and blow it up.
It's horrible isn't it.
Anyway so I relayed this fact to my brother and he said "I know"
It wasn't that much of a suprise since he knows everything anyway ==" but because he's ususally not all that interested in history I asked "oh, how'd you know?"
and he said "you told me, back when you used to read those 'Horrible Histories' books"
And I was like "wow really?"
cool story aye.

lol the point is, I can't believe I don't remember having read that and told him about it! Also, why does he remember????
Do I not absorb the things I read?? Ugh I guess I better work on that.... Then again, I read all those books when I was in PRIMARY SCHOOL. Maybe my brother just has a ridiculously good memory.

anyway, it backfired because the dogs recognised the russian tanks as having food under them as opposed to the enemy ones so they just ended up heading towards their own tanks.

Fun, huh.

Those books like horrible histories, horrible science, murderous maths, dead famous etc etc were so great haha^^


_

I've been watching QI for the past 3 days and as a result

-I haven't studied enough
-I've been starting every second sentence with "did you know..."
-I constantly have to supress the overwhelming urge to speak with a British accent
-I want to hear Stephen Fry speak ALL THE TIME
-I finally understand a little why Rachel loves him so much
-I've realised I can't not one day live in London
-I love British comedians and am probably going to spend the holidays watching a lot of stand-up.

I've just closed the youtube window that has been open for the past 3 days because I have to do some study but here I am procrastinating by writing a blog entry.

_

I don't know how much longer I can stand this.

_

This is the first time

that I've cried and a didn't feel a weight lift off my chest. My heart doesn't feel lighter and I don't feel a sense of relief.
I think it no longer works that way. Or maybe it never worked that way.
Crying isn't, and never was, a magical process that eliminated my worries and problems, I guess I just... always felt better after crying because, well, it relieves stress (first of all) but also, I guess I'd come to some conclusion or realisation or decision.
But now, as I sit here with swollen eyes, I don't feel even a tiny bit better.
The only thing is that I've calmed down a little.

I don't think I believe that everything will turn out okay anymore.
Maybe that's the problem
_

oh god please please please don't be crap! T^T

If they ruin this book, I SWEAR I will...

rage on my blog.

><"

_

This is the stupidest film I've ever seen in my entire life

Husband is cheating on wife with a dark sexy woman from the city and everyone in their town knows about it
Wife is a fresh and innocent country girl and is really sad but can't do anything
Woman from city is all like "Hey come live with me in the city!"
Husband: "what about my wife"
Woman from city: "lol allg just drown her"
Husband is like "wtf" at first and gets mad but then the woman kisses him so he's all like "k"

SO the husband takes his wife out onto the lake and is about to push her out of the boat but then suddenly can't go through with it and rows frantically back to shore.
Upon reaching it, the wife jumps out of the boat and gets the fuck away from him.
He chases after her and is all like "wait! Don't be afraid of me!"

WTF MAN YOU CHEATED ON HER AND JUST TRIED TO KILL HER.

They take a tram thing into the city and she ignores him while he pleads with her. anyway, they get to the city and he stops her from being run over. they walk past a church, people are getting married, the husband SUDDENLY FEELS BAD AND WANTS TO REPENT.
so he starts crying and begs her forgiveness.
AND THEN SHE FORGIVES HIM and they go take a nice couple photo, they go to a carnival thing and just generally have fun.
WTF MAN HE JUST TRIED TO KILL YOU EARLIER THAT DAY AND YOU FORGIVE HIM JUST LIKE THAT
let me say that again. HE TRIED TO KILL YOU.
wtf.

there's more to the film but i cbf.

yea, yea I know this film is all about traditional values, the corrupt nature of city life, rediscovering pure and simple love
and yes, the film style is very German impressionist blah blah
Murnau is an amazing director blah blah shadows, lighting blah blah
BUT SERIOUSLY.
WHAT KIND OF STUPID PLOT IS THAT.

_

no chance, no way, I won't say it, oh no

you swoon, you sigh, why deny it, oh, oh
it's too cliche, I won't say I'm in love~



Meg is a pretty awesome character. I adore her voicce.
this song is stuck in my head ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
and no, please don't try to be smart and be all like "hmm amy must be in love but trying to convince herself otherwise" 
it would be much too convenient a stab and c'mon, you're better than that.

I'm bored.
Exam tomorrow.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and yay got the old blogger dashboard back (:


_

why oh why did i take this paper?

i used to think i hated western films
now i realise there are worse things
like film noir
and musicals.

_

I'm panicking

fuck.

_

stupid assignment about trauma

making me feel all depressed about the human condition.

Watched The Pianist (2002) dir. Roman Polanski and Waltz with Bashir (2008) dir. Ari Folman.

humanity makes me sick.
we are a weak, pathetic, evil, cowardly species.
things aren't different. the world hasn't changed. Humans haven't changed.
we'll never change.

_

Watching 'The Pianist'

and i want to cry.

oh god i can't watch this.

_

Last Night

I dreamt about death.

I can still hear myself repeating, screaming, crying out the words "I love you, don't die"
I can still hear my strangled sobs and my broken voice.

I feel strange right now.

I can still feel the ghost of my emotion in the dream.
I can still see myself kneeling beside the corpse, bent over it, shaking.
I can sttill see myself crying and I can still feel the tension in my body.

Funny, I usally don't remember my dreams nowadays.
Or I only recall a shadow of it.

But this one was so vivid.

_

I can't stop listening to Maroon 5

_

The Three Musketeers 3D

What a wonderously educational film!
I was unaware that THEY HAD GIANT FLYING AIRSHIPS THAT WERE EQUIPPED WITH FLAMETHROWERS (DESIGNED BY LEONARDO DA VINCI) in 17th Century France.
Damn textbooks and history lessons didn't teach us anything!!
I also loved how it was a film about Paris and London but completely filmed in Germany.
It was a hilarious film... but I think we might have laughed at all the wrong places...

All jokes aside, the swordfight sequences were pretty badass. It was all prince of persia-esque. I s'pose the 3D did make it more exciting. I also love the sound of swords clashing...
The costuming was amazing. The dresses omg.
I WANT ONE OF THOSE HATS WITH FEATHERS ON THEM. I ALSO WANT A CAPE.
And shiiiiiit the girl who played Constance is so pretty. Oh wait her name is Gabriella Wilde.

It roughly follows the originaly story, kinda, sorta, not really. 
But it was like a 110 minute cutscene from a 3 musketeers game or something...

But I enjoyed it. It was very aesthetically pleasing. I s'pose the visuals ARE the point of 3D movies.

lolz i wasnt trying to write a movie review or anything.

_

sabotage.

maybe i dont want things to work out because i'm scared that they'll work out perfectly.
and then i wouldn't know what to do.

i find problems in everything that i want or want to do
then i feel relieved when people crush my flawed plans.
even though i act indignant

_

are you fucking kidding me?

it's people like you that make me hate people.

_

you know what's really really fun?

reading bits of really horrible books in a dramatic voice out loud to your friends.
and then following them around and reading even louder when they try to get away from you.

the twilight series are great to do this with
and pretty much any of the shitty vampire novels that people keep writing these days.
although shitty/trashy romance novels also do the trick.
oh and stuff written for bored housewives... stuff like remember me by sophie kinsella (omfg such a bad book watsed my freaking time !@#$@#%$#@!$@%#$@%^%$#) and THE NOTEBOOK by *duh duh duh* nicholas sparks.

although. there is some danger in this.
they might try to punch/slap/stab/kill you.
but i find it hilarious.
so it's worth it.
but then again, it's just me. I'm really annoying

hmm.

i see potential for a blog entry about all the books i really really hate.
or maybe i could write an entry on each book.
and rage
that'd be fun.
for me.
lol

_

things

wearing a suit made me feel all badass.
should do it more often.
okay okay so not an actual suit. just white shirt, blazer, tie, and black jeans.
but
close enough.

I'm a bitch.

 rachel's bow tie was awesome

remedy makes great iced coffee. they also have scrabble there. and adorable teapots.

today was a lot of fun.
wearing a suit made it 100x more fun

suits make people look more attractive

 apparently there's nothing offensive about saying women have an advantage over men because they can act stupid to get things. oh i'm sorry i didnt realise that sexism was okay.
i hate people =/

if i let you go i will never know what my life would be holding you close to me will i ever see you smiling back at me how will i know if i let you go

do you ears hang low
do they wobble to and fro
can you tie them in a knot
can you tie them in a bow
can you throw them over your shoulder like a CONTINENTAL SOLDIER?!?!??!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!??!?!!

_

"When will you realize, vienna waits for you?"

Slow down, you crazy child.
You're so ambitious for a juvenile.
But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out.
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine.
You can't be everything you wanna be before your time,
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.
Too bad, but it's the life you lead.
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.
Though you can see when you're wrong,
You know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right.

You've got your passion. You've got your pride,
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child.
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.
It's all right you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
Why don't you realize Vienna waits for you?
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

_

Oh Pablo Neruda

the things your words do to me.

_

I'm scared

I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared
I don't wanna sleep.
even though my eyes hurt

_

I wonder if they read this, if each of my old friends would be able to pick out the ones referring to them. I wonder how much they remember.

remember when we talked everyday?
remember when we hung out?
remember when you said i'd better not forget you?
and I said i'd never do such a thing?
remember when i knew what was going on in your life
and you knew what was going on in mine?
When i could predict your response to my questions?
(beacuse i asked them to hear that specific response and you knew that so you obliged?)
remember when you didn't seem so far away?
Remember?
Remember when I went to you when i was troubled?
and you came to me?
remember when my name was said in conjunction to yours?
remember when you always stuck up for me?
remember when you let me copy your homework?
and when i helped you cheat in that test?
remember when i'd txt you when i finished my essays?
remember laughing so hard we couldn't breathe?
remember sitting at the back in maths class and mucking around?
remember our immature ruler jokes? and your not being about to tell the difference between a compass and a protractor? and how we never let that one slide?
remember our stupid code names?
and the word association games we played to come up with them?
remember talking on the phone everyday?
remember txting everyday?
remember chasing each other around the empty classroom?
remember when you pretended to choke me everytime you saw me?
remember playing cards during lunchtimes in the empty psych room?
remember helping me pass that level on supermario galaxy?
remember telling me how your cake collapsed?
remember playing the song lyrics game?
remember telling me what songs to listen to?
remember your stupid birthday muffin? with the stupid 'candles'?
remember our failed suprise party?
remember how you named  my plushies after the boys in the class and I got mad?
remember text information management? remember Mr Clarke?
remember 'swanlings'?
remember when our japanese teacher said "is that a door?" to a window?
and we couldn't stop laughing everytime we mentioned it?
remember when we tried to make you let your hair down?
remember going to the library in the mornings?
and sitting around that one table?
remember calling me up at 12am so we could work out a maths problem?
remember when I yelled at you all the time?
remember when we wrote each other emails?
remember doing homework at each other's houses?
remember when I fell off the bus when I was on the phone to you?
remember when I plaited your hair?
remember our msn mass convos?
remember blogging? msn spaces?
remember writing ridiculous testimonials for each other on hi5?
remember eating behind our textbooks in japanese class?
remember falling asleep in japanese class?
remember calling each other after we'd both cried?
remember playing truth or dare in english class?
and being dared to touch the teacher's hair?
remember the relief when we discovered we all hated the same person?
remember our spot under the stairs?
and then on the stairs? (or was it the other way around?)
remember playing netball in that pouring rain at lunchtime?
and arriving to class completely drenched?
remember our fail sticker photos?
remember sitting outside the public library?
remember our secrets?
remember our idiocy?

now i never see you
now i only bump into you on the stairs at uni
now i see you at bus stops but don't stop to say hi
now i txt you once in awhile to say we should catch up.. but we don't
now i can only like the things you post on facebook
now when we bump into each other i wonder awkwardly if we should hug
now i sometimes don't recognise you until a few seconds too late for me to say hi
now i avoid you at all costs

but still, my ears perk up when i hear your name
but still I miss you

to all my friends that I've lost...
I wish I hadn't screwed up.
I wish you were all still by my side.
not that i don't love my current friends to bits.
cause i do.
but still.

_

nonsense limericks

Was reading a book of nonsense limericks that I'd purchased when i was about 10. they were really stupid. what a waste of my money =___=""

Of course, there can be really clever ones...
such as the one in the book Matilda which goes:

An epicure dining at crewe,
found a rather large mouse in his stew.
The waiter cried, "dont shout!
or wave it about!
or the rest will be wanting one too"

or something to that effect..
AHH I ADORE ROALD DAHL

but these following ones that i just came up with cause i was bored (and the ones in my book) are all, needless to say, bullshit.

there was a cow who refused to moo
his owner didn't know what to do
he started to fret
so he tried some threats
but the cow just didnt want to.

I tired to catch a bee today
but sadly, it got away
it knew how to fly
unlike you or I
So on the ground i had to stay

there was a girl who read and read
until one day she lost her head
it dropped the ground
and rolled round and round
until she suddenly dropped dead

I was travelling on a winding road
when i met a talking toad
he said in exchange for some ice
he would give me advice
but it would be written in code.

(and i was like "what do you think you are? a sphynx? =____=)


.........

okay i'm bored now.
bai

_

so cute lol

i run into creepy at eight in the morning =___="

Okay, so like, i'm walking home, right?
and then this guy stops on the side of the road, calls out to me and asks me for directions.
(And okay, it's already been established that people are always asking me for directions, for some odd reason. Maybe it's cause they think i look like I know my way around or something. Someone suggested that maybe it was cause i look friendly which is really not true cause i really dont.)
so okay there's nothing wrong with that.
and i'm like "sorry i dont know" -polite smile, start to walk away-
BUT THEN HE PROCEEDS TO  START A CONVERSATION WITH ME LIKE
"so...... had a good night last night in town? Heading home now?" -leaning out of his car window, creepy smile, raised eyebrows-

=___="

jeez.

_

Something I've always wanted to do:

Smash plates.
just pick up plate after plate and throw them as hard as i can to the floor.
I want to watch them shatter, watch jagged edges form and watch the shards fly everywhere.

_

wish i had a dog

a big dog
like a husky or golden retriever
they're just so happy
and cute
and enthusiastic
and fluffy
and comforting
and perfect hugging size.

_

If i dont sleep now

i'll regret it tomorrow.
but my life is already filled with more significant regrets.
this one will hardly matter

_

Shakespeare sonnet 141

In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
For they in thee a thousand errors note;
But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,
Who in despite of view is pleased to dote;
Nor are mine ears with thy tongue's tune delighted,
Nor tender feeling, to base touches prone,
Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited
To any sensual feast with thee alone:
But my five wits nor my five senses can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unsway'd the likeness of a man,
Thy proud hearts slave and vassal wretch to be:
Only my plague thus far I count my gain,
That she that makes me sin awards me pain.

why is he so amazing?!

_

Heath Ledger is so cute

just sayin'.

_

Rant about Unity Books.

So today, in search of a book, I walked into Unity Books on High Street.
which is, by the way, a very charming bookstore.
I just want to curl up there and never leave.

I found this beautiful hardcover edition of Wuthering Heights..
I can't describe how difficult it was for me to not buy it...

AND OMG THERE WERE SO MANY OF THE MURAKAMI BOOKS! I WANT THEM ALL.
and there was a book of pablo neruda's poetry i wanted.. it had the original on one page and then the translation on the next....
 there were just shelves and shelves and stacks and stacks of books (as expected of a bookstore i suppose) and i felt so happy to just be surrounded by them.
 It's not that I havent been surrounded by so many books before.
but there are always other things around... like people studying in the library.. or like chain bookstores with the cards and the stationary and the videos etc...
but this was a bookstore. purely for books!
omg.

man.. if i ever win lotto.... that's the first place i'm gonna go for a shopping spree.

BUY ALL THE BOOKS!!!!

_

You know what annoys me?

People who blatantly talk on their phones in the general library.
but you know what annoys me even more than that?
people who murmur (on their phones or to each other)
ffs it pisses me off so much
that muffled, monotonous, continuos noise in the silence.
that humming
that buzzing
like seriously.
it distracts me so much.
GO TALK IN THE STAIRWELL FOR GOD'S SAKE.

_

Damn it.

Why is it that when i get an idea in my mind, I can't get it out?
I have to go and do whatever it is that occurred to me or i can't concentrate on anything else
>=(
i wish it acted as motivation. As in "i'll finish this quickly and then i'll go do that"
but it doesn't.
i just have an urge to drop everything.

_

Suddenly suddenly suddenly

feel sad
why?
the sun is chirping, the birds are shining
lol.
yet, i can't shake the feeling that something's not quite right.
it's creeping up on me again.
that anxiety
that regret
that inexplicable sense of unease.
i feel restless and worried.
i feel sadness regradring the things that i've lost
the people that i've lost
the friendships that i've lost
the times that i failed to do things right
the ties that were so carfully forged that have been cut.
I feel nostalgia for the past
I miss moments, people, places.

why do I feel this way suddenly?

it's not the middle of the night.

_

Reminder

English 345 - 35% Assignment (2000 words) due 29th
English 310 - 25% Assignment (2000 words) due 29th
FTVMS 307 - 30% Assignment (2500 words) due 4th
FTVMS 326 - 40% Assignment (3000 words) due 21st
FTVMS 309 - 30% Assignment (3000 words) due 5th

better stop being so slack if I don't wanna fail

_

Suddenly filled with unease.

 

_

The Clarence Principle

Can't stop thinking about it lately.
for some reason.

especially the man hanging from the crescent moon.

_

can't.stop.listening.to.this.song.

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

(Somebody)
I used to know
(Somebody)
Somebody that I used to know
(Somebody)
I used to know
(Somebody)
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
I used to know
That I used to know
I used to know
Somebody

Rain

Rain, midnight rain, nothing but the wild rain
On this bleak hut, and solitude and me
Remembering again that i shall die
And neither hear the rain nor give it thanks
For washing me cleaner than i have been
Since i was born into this solitude.
Blessed are the dead that the rain rains upon
But here i pray that none whom i onced loved
Is dying tonight or lying awake
Solitary, listening to the rain
Either in pain or thus in sympathy
Helpless among the living and the dead,
Like a cold water among broken reeds.
Myriads of broken reeds all still and stiff,
Like me who have no love which this wild rain
Has not dissolved except the love of death,
If love it be towards what is perfect and
Cannot, the tempest tells me, disappoint.

Edward Thomas

you.

are wonderful
:3

_

WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT.

FUCK MY THUMB HURTS
WHYS THE BLEEDING NOT STOPPING
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
i'd rage about this on twitter but.. not enough characters.
fuck now i can't even repaint my nails.
omgggg
SO TYPICAL.
OF ME.
TO DO.
SOMETHING.
LIKE THIS.
THE NIGHT
BEFORE
THE BALL.
OMG
HURTS LIKE A BITCH.
pretty much stuck the blade of my scissors into my thumb
fun, right
the band-aid is soaked with my blood now.
OH JOY.

okay i'm done.

_

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Despite the fact that I had to analyse this film for academic purposes, I throroughly enjoyed it.

In the world of the movie, it is possible to go to a clinic and have your memories of a particular person erased. It's centred around a couple - Joel and Clementine. She has him erased from her memory after they break up and he finds out. So, as a "fuck you" to her, he decides to undergo the procedure as well. The film is largely set inside his head as he tries to hide the memory of Clementine within other memories when he suddenly decides that he doesn't want to forget her.

meh. i'm not good at giving synopses....(i remember i used to tell people about books i'd read and try to convince them to read it by telling them about the book and it would always result in them saying that it sounded boring... =___=")

so yea,

google it.
imdb it.
stream it.
watch it.

I think for me, It's not a question of whether the good memories trump the bad.
I guess it'd be a little about what I learnt from those experiences and how these lessons learnt would be forgotten and I may make the same mistakes again.
But I think it's mostly about losing a part of myself if those memories are erased. I think it's that during the process of erasure, I would suddenly regret it, as Joel did in the movie. I think it's that I dislike letting go of things.
I guess after the procedure, I wouldn't know what I'd forgotten so it'd be okay. Ignorance is bliss, and all that jazz.
But I'd hate feeling like I'd forgotten something. I'd hate going to a place and feeling like I'd been there before with someone special. I'd hate that feeling like I'd lost something but not know what.
I'd live in a constant state of deja vu. I'd hate all these unexplainable emotions triggered by things that should mean nothing.

I wonder if I've caused anyone enough pain that they'd want to erase me?


If I could erase you....


_

I really miss my mum

I never thought I'd stop living with her while i was still in school
I always thought I'd move out after I got a job, or went overseas..
Maybe you'll think "wow, what a baby... Amy's 20 already. She should just grow up"
But.. well... I'm still a kid.
I'm super needy. lol
plus, i've always been super close to my mum.
like.. I tell her almost everything. I ask for her advice on everything.. She's like my best friend
I love her with an intensity that i can't describe.

I wish she was here.
She always makes everything better.
Just her presence alone can lift my spirits.
I miss her
I miss not letting her go to bed cause i just wanted to keep talking to her
I miss coming home and giving her a hug
I just miss her a lot suddenly.

I'm homesick.
Because home is where she is.
):

_

I'm doing okay~

Thank you~

^________^

I suddenly feel miserable

But please don't ask me why.

Cause I don't know.









I'm lying.

I know.

But I'm not going to tell you.

_

Why is it like this?

Why does it have to be like this?

When I feel a crack, a gap, a chasm
I immediately back away because I don't want to be swallowed whole by it.
I'm scared.
So I draw back.
Instead of trying to bridge the gap, I turn away.
I don't want to fall.

_

Violent Emotions

I want to be so sad I can't stand it
I want to cry, uncontrollably and inconsolably.
I want my tears to blind me, to drown me.
I want to choke on my tears, I want to sob, I want to gasp for air
I want to curl up on the floor and not care that the bathroom tiles are cold
I want to cry till my eyes get all red and puffy, till my head hurts, till I feel like I've used up all my tears.
then realize my sleeves are soaked, the knees of my jeans are soaked and I've used up too many tissues
then look in the mirror and realize I'm a complete mess.

I want to be so angry I can't stand it
I want to be so angry I want to cry, but fight back the tears because I'd rather be angry than sad.
I want to want to yell, I want to fight
I want to want to argue until my opponent backs down
I want to feel my heart pounding as I say something defiant, something cruel, something I probably will regret saying.
I want to feel the words forming on my tongue and on my lips
I want to feel the thrill the words leaving my mouth, watching their effect on my victim
I want to relish the feeling, and I would, if i were sufficiently angry.
I want to be implusive and act upon impluse.
then stand in the silence that follows, fixing my eyes upon the whoever I'm angry at, daring them to look away.

I want to love someone so much I can't stand it
I want to be caught up in everything they say and everything they do
I want to love fiercely, with abandon, with a burning intensity.
I want to be estatically happy because of love.
I want to fight for love, work hard for love.
I want to find love, I want to lose love - and cry.
I want to feel that heartache again, the feelings welling up in my chest.
I want to worry and fret and lose sleep.
I want to smile that secret smile.
I want to love like Heathcliff; like Neruda's poems.


I want to feel violent emotions
(lol Wuthering Heights much?)

not this dull ache.

_

not to complain but...

@!#%##$@$%$#

English 345 - 15% assignment (1000 words) due 8th
FTVMS 307 - 20% assignment (1500 words) due 16th
FTVMS 309 - 20% assignment (1000 words) due 17th
FTVMS 326 - 30% assignment (2000 words) due 22nd
English 310 - 15% assignment (1200 words) due 25th

FML

cool story aye.
should i tell it again?
T^T

_

old photo!

OMG! old emo photo!
i LOVED this photo when i first took it... rofl~
i think it was... in year 11? hm maybe year 12 actually...
i miss that hair! omg... T^T
i also LOVED that top but i never wore it out.. i only wore it at home cause it was "too cute" for me so i was embarrassed... it was a super adorable top.. sigh..... i miss  it. i probably still wouldn't wear it now.. i didnt get any cuter since then.. O_o rofl~
and the lighting next to the window in my old room at my old house in the mid to late afternoon was really good for camwhoring...
also for reading. but my mum also raged at me for leaning against the glass of my french doors cause sunlight apparently makes glass brittle and she didnt want the glass to break and she didnt want to come into my room and find me impaled on a jagged edge of the broken door.
sigh. i miss my old room.

yea, sorry i was going through old files and stuff and found this..
i think the next few entries are gonna be like this O_o
or maybe ii'll make it a recurring thing.. like.. if i have nothing to write about but i feel like writing i'll pick an old photo and write some stuff about it.

this is gonna be fun!! ^^
for me anyway...
lol~

_

to everyone that i love ♥

I want you to not feel lonely
I want you to not hurt
I want to know a failproof way to make you smile
I wish I could lift your spirits whenever you feel down
I wish I could do something to make everything better when things are bad
I wish I could erase pain
I wish that on those nights when you're sitting in the dark wondering why you can't sleep I could be there to put my arm around you.
I wish you every happiness because you deserve it.

Who do you think of when you're lonely?
I hope it's me.

_

I think i know why i like eating so much

I like sitting together with people and talking, and eating.
it reminds me of family, of warmth.
it reminds me of when my mum still lived in NZ.
it makes me miss her but it also makes me feel a little less lonely.

Both my brother and I are busy so we don't often get to sit down and have dinner together
but when we do, i really enjoy it.
unfortunately.. my brother and i also disagree on many things
we talk, discuss things as we eat and it's nice.. but then more often than not, we end up arguing..
sometimes it's okay..
but someitmes we end up eating in silence.
and then our meal together ends on a bad note
and then he stands up, puts his bowl in the sink and goes into his room.
and then i'm left there, feigning nochalance, continuing to eat in silence.
and i hate it.
maybe that's why i don't like coming home for dinner
even though most of the time i really want to.

_

i'm sorry for raging..

but it's
BEAR with me
not
BARE with me.
why why why why WHY
would you ever think that it was "bare" with me?
honestly...
i know everyone's gonna be like
"sorry then English major"
but no.
this is not about me being an english major.
=__="
this is about people learning that just because two words sound the same, does not mean that they are interchangeable!

_

I'm fine

I don't need you to feel bad for me
or to worry.
or to even think of me.
I don't need your pity
I don't need your sympathy
I'm fine.
I know I'm pathetic
I know I'm stupid
I know. I know. I know.
but really,
I'm fine.
So.. I don't want to see you
or talk to you
or want you to reassure me about anything.
I'm fine.

I'm sorry.
and.
Thank you.
and.
that's that.

_

二十歳になる～

Thank you my friends~

haha check out my crappy writing in the sand~

I had a super awesome 20th birthday~ I'm so happy ^^
hmmm actually I was expecting it not to be a great birthday...
but... none of the emo stuff!! haha~
I had a great day (:

20's such a big birhday... it's officially the end of an era... the start of a new decade in my life.
Amazing things are gonna happen.
I know it ^^

hmmm
I wanna brag about all my amazing presents =P but i'm too lazy to take photos of everything la~
haha ^^;;;
but thank you you guys!! omgg i'm so touched and happy.


i feel so lucky to be here... to have everything that i have... to have everyone who cares about me..

I'm ready! Bring it on life!!

_

I'm happy

today was a nice day.

-smileyface-

_

so apparently the above is not good enough.
so here goes:

So, like, today I went to play pool at masse and it was so super fun even though i kept losing rofl~
but that's okay (: cause i feel like i'm getting better !! I wish i could get better at pool !! i needa practise more! ooo maybe that'll be my holiday goal! hehe~
and then we went to mini to sing k!! omg i was so happy cause i hadn't been to k in aaaaaages!!
we had to climb a really big hill from queen street to get there lolllll but omg it was SO COLD TODAYYY!!
i couldn't feel my hands lol
yay omg k was so much fun !!
and now i'm in a super good mood cause i heard everyone's pro singing !! hehe (:
and after k we went to eat on dominion road and we sat there and talked for ages~~
i love that feeling of sitting with friends and just talking!! so much fun ^^
but i wish i didnt have to come home that early ):
BUT OMG I WAS JUST PLAYING TETRIS AND I WON AND I'M LIKE SUPER HAPPY NOW
YAYYYYY
MY DAY WAS SO GREAT
(:
(:
teehee
i wish everyday could be this fun !!


^ happy now?? =__="

I've decided

once and for all.

i've finally made up my mind, built up my resolve.
i'm not gonna regret this.

i'm not gonna change my mind.

this is it. this is it. this is it.

_

So i'm watching an asian drama

and girl A is in love with the guy and girl B hurt the guy in the past but still loves him.
BUT SHAME GIRL B CAUSE THE GUY LOVES GIRL A NOW.

So anyway girl A goes to girl B
"如果你那麼擔心他受傷 那當初為什麼要讓他那麼痛?"
(if you're so worried about him getting hurt, why did you cause him so much pain?)
and girl B goes
"你y以為就只有受傷的人才會痛嗎? 那傷人的那一個呢? 他連喊痛的資格都沒有"
(do you think the only person who feels pain is the one getting hurt? What about the one who is inflicting the pain? they don't even have the right to express their pain)

WELL OF COURSE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT.

yes. you hate yourself for hurting them. and you care about them so of course, when they hurt, you hurt too.
but SERIOUSLY.
too fucking bad.
you screwed up one too many times.
maybe the first time, it was an accident.
but by the second time..
you KNEW that you were hurting them, so why, why why, did you keep doing it?
Because they put up with it? Because you think that they will always forgive you? Or because you're just selfish?
if inflicting pain hurts you too... THEN STOP DOING IT. that way, you stop inflicting pain on yourself AND the other person.
Two birds, one stone.

lol this is just a drama, a work of fiction! why am i getting so worked up about it? Beacuse I'm just like this lol Yea, I tend to get affected by books or movies or dramas when i get really into them.
i remember when i used to watch korean dramas and i ended up yelling at the TV cause people were SO FREAKING STUPID. LIKE HONESTLY. UGH. FICTIONAL PEOPLE NOWADAYS.
lol.

but seriously... i feel like i can kind of relate to it.
I'm not saying all this as if i don't understand... I'm not being high and mighty.

I kinda know how girl B feels.
i've hurt people. and i've know that i hurt people and it's the worst feeling in the world to have hurt people that I genuinely cared about... and I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry. And i wish that I could reverse time, erase pain.
BUT the difference between me and girl B is that, in my opinion, I certianly HAVE NO RIGHT to even THINK that i'm allowed to talk about how pained i am, about how i didn't wanna hurt them but i did so now i'm sad.
because... well...
it was my fault.
and i'm not the victim.
I can feel guilty, I can worry, I can feel sad that i screwed things up but i think i should keep those things to myself. However, I can say sorry, I can express my regret, I can try not to inflict any more pain.
On the other hand, I don't think i'm allowed to say "I'M ALSO HURT BY MY ACTIONS THAT HURT YOU" (also, it just sounds stupid)

That's what annoys me about girl B
however pained she might feel.... She shouldn't talk about it..
She should bear it in silence. That's the punishment she earned.
BUT SHE DOESN'T
-RAGE-

but i suppose it wouldn't be very good television if girl B had morals.

_

honestly

i'm, like, dying of cuteness here.

i think the idea of love and romance and cute couples has been on my mind too much lately.
in the "AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW OMG TOO CUTE" -SQUEEEEEEEEE- sort of way
not in the "omg i'm going to die alone" sort of way (well okay it's like that occasionally, but mostly it's half jokingly anyway)
seeing this stuff just makes me happy.
O_o
i dont know why.
since when was i the type to be happy when i see others happy??
=P

_

Right Now

I'm reading a shoujo manga
it's so cute
i'm sitting here
smiling like an idiot at my computer screen
I feel 15 again
even though i'm almost 20 -sadface-
back then, i'd wish that something manga like would happen to me.
but now i'm past that time frame.
so i don't really think like that anymore
but still
...
i dont know what i'm trying to convey here.
i just wanted to rant :3

_

Oh Matsumoto Jun

whatcha lookin at? :3



remember when i used to be obsessed with you?

in year 10?

when i first watched the jap drama 'Gokusen' and discovered you?

remember?? and i had an album on my old blog of you?

and i obsessively joined several jdrama forums for you?

and you sparked my fangirl interests in all those other jpop boybands?

and then i moved on to some other guy after awhile?

ahem.

sorry.

this is a LITTLE  out of character, no?

this reminds me of my old blog.. when i'd put up albums of japanese celebrities i liked

i was really obsessed with japan back then... and pretty much all things japanese

all my music was jpop

my desktop was from some drama or anime

i spent SO MUCH time browsing forums, watching dramas, listening to jpop, looking up lyrics, translating the lyrics.

good times.

lol i found that picture on tumblr. there's this girl that i follow and all the things she reblogs remind me of me when i was younger.... it's funny how that happens

yea.

so this was fun.

have an exam soon.

wow i go to SUCH lengths to procrastinate huh.

SOCIOLOGY OF DEATH I'MA PWN YOU.

or, like, maybe not, idk.

i'll pass okay though.

lol.

_

me and my study buddy (:



lol don't mind my pyjamas... xD i'm still a kid

_

Question

what exactly did i do last year when i stayed up all night??
(actually, it kinda annoys me when people say 'question' before they ask a question)

I can't even remember...

i didn't have twitter
i didn't have facebook
i didn't have tumblr
WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WITH MY NIGHTS?

i had msn
and skype. well we didn't skype every night.
online pool?
youtube?
study? (rofl)
plants vs zombies?

seriously. i can't remember !!

I can't imagine not having these sites to keep me entertained in the middle of the night anymore.
but i did just fine without them last year~

i THINK it was mostly msn.

okay this was a poor attempt at procrastination.
back to study now.
T^T

_

"Baby,

You're where dreams go to die
and I regret the day
your lovely carcass caught my eye."

LOL

it's a depressing song. but i don't know why i found that line so funny.
maybe it's cause i have no soul.
or maybe it's the glancing reference to necrophilia

_

3am

I can't sleep.
I remember when i was in year 10 and for awhile (like maybe a week? or maybe longer?)
i forget. memories blur now. it was so long ago.
I'd wake up at 3am. for no reason.
haha. it was so strange.
and kinda scary.
And then I told my friend and then he ended up txting me every night when it hit 3am for awhile.
just to be like "hey wow, you ARE awake!" if i replied.
It didn't even occur to me that even then, he had had horrible sleeping habits.
at that time, it didn't even occur to me that i'd ever end up having horrible sleeping habits.
3am used to be so late.
i don't know why i suddenly remembered this now.
haha

_

i think.. i think.. i think..

I hate people.
=/

_

"You've Been On My Mind"

On repeat.
super cute >__<"

Today

instead of going to uni to study, I sat in bed, on the side close to the window, and for the fifth time, I started to read "The history of love" by Nicole Karuss.

“Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.”

Rainy days in bed with a book and a cup of tea. What could be better?
But as i read, i suddenly felt a surge of annoyance, a wave of impatience at this world.

Why the does the world have to be so full of despair, full of suffering, full of war, full of misunderstanding, full of miscommunication, full of loss, full of pain, full of loneliness, full of sadness, so full of tears, full of lies, full of fear, full of fragility and so full of heartache?
Why are people so stubborn, so sad, so curious, so proud, so prone to mistakes, so inevitably self destructive?

“so many words get lost. they leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves.”

_

I like watching cute couples at uni

LOL that sounds creepy.
man. i always interrupt myself when i'm trying to be sentimental.
anyway.

I was sitting in general library level 2 today, looking out the window
and i just kept noticing couples walk by

it was just so cute seeing her smile up at the him as she talks enthusiastically about something
it's so cute when she casually loops her arm around his when he has his hands in his pockets.
it's so cute when she walks ahead and tugs on his hand for him to hurry up
etc etc

I love seeing cute couples.
I hate PDA couples. (just, by the way)
but when i see couples who seem so natural and comfortable with each other
it just warms my heart.
and i'm not even being sarcastic.

LOL I CAN JUST PICTURE A LONG SHOT FROM OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY OF ME LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW BUT MY FACE IS REPLACED BY A FOREVER ALONE FACE.

_

Exams.

I sure everyone gets it
just as well as I
the exams we have to sit
make me want to cry
and you know you agree with me
cause you hate studying too
The textbooks become blurry
cause tears are hard to see through
So come exam time,
I sink into despair
why did I not study
when i had time to spare?
Stacks of heavy textbooks
and pages of lecture notes
Taunt me as I sit here
Saying "you know, this is your own fault".
And as much as I don't want to,
I should really go and cram
Cause I'll pretty much fail at life
If I fail all my exams.

_

this is bad.

this is very very very very bad.
i'm going through a drama/manga phase again.
and it's exam time.
but that's not even the problem.

the problem is that i'll go through that
"WHY DOESNT THIS ROMANTIC UNREALISTIC STUPID SHIT HAPPEN TO ME?!"
"WHY DON'T I EVER MEET SUPER HOT GUYS WHO PULL ME OUT OF THE WAY OF BUSES, OFFER ME UNBRELLAS, WHO I RUN INTO RANDOMLY ALL THE TIME, CATCH ME WHEN I TRIP ANDOTHERSTUFFTHATHAPPENSINDRAMAS"
phase.

lol. i dont think i ever grew out of that shit. and i'll never grow out of it =___="
DAMN IT.

_

SO.

my computer that broke, like, over a year and a half ago is finally fixed.
zomg.
so many great things on here.
SO SO MANY.
teehee.
so many old photos <3
i have an urge to post SO MANY of them on here or on facebook.
but i have a feeling people would probably kill me. slowly and painfull.
AND I STILL HAVE SOME MESSAGE HISTORY
OMG I SALAVAGED SOME FROM MY MASS DELETE BACK THEN
i'm very excited.
i'm off to go through everything now.
kbai.
(:

_

sigh

I don't know if you guys remember but a while back I wrote about that sweet old couple that are at the same nursing home my grandpa lives at..
the couple that were always holding hands.
The last time I went to visit my grandpa before came back to New Zealand at the beginning of the year, I didn't see the old man...
I thought nothing of it at the time..
But I remembered today and asked my mum how the couple was doing..
and then she told me that he had passed away..
OMG I'M SO SAD
LIKE ACTUALLY SO SAD
TT"
Who's gonna be there for her for the rest of her lonely days in the nursing home?
Now that he's gone, no one's there to hold her hand... no one to help her eat.
TT"
I don't know why i'm getting so sad over a couple of strangers..
but they gave me hope, y'know?
i think the part that makes me the saddest is that she's still waiting for him to come home everyday because her family has decided not to tell her that he'd passed away for fear that she wouldn't be able to bear it..
And because she's a bit senile.. she believes them when they lie to her when she asks where he is..
sigh.
i guess nothing lasts forever.
TT"

_

100th post !!

YAAYYYYYYYYY
^________^
i went through my entries and counted and only 17 of them were about/relating (in an obvious way) to YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
ahahahaha~
that makes me happy. i thought there'd be more.
and then i was gonna tally the other types of entries too but i really cbf..
there's a few about food
a few rage
a few "what i've been up to" entries
a few rant entries
and others. lol.
it all adds up

i love my blog~~~ i love blogging~~~
ehehehhehehehhe
and although i say that i don't really care if people comment or not.
i still appareciate the comments ^__^
and thank you to everyone who read/reads/is reading my blog
i'm so happy that you would be willing take time out of your life to read my ranting~
and my silly-ness
and my emo-ness
and my stupid-ness
and my raging-ness
and my random-ness

i feel happy :3

_

I'm not even sure what i wanna say...

I wanna say i'm sad
I wanna say i never ever EVER thought things would turn out this way
I wanna say i'm just plain angry
I wanna say i'm sorry i yelled
I wanna say i hate always being the bad guy
I wanna say we had our happy moments
I wanna say we were good friends so much of the time
I wanna say i cared so much about you
I wanna say all i ever did was act how i thought a friend should
I wanna say i feel disappointed
I wanna say i feel hurt
I wanna say i feel misunderstood
I wanna say it's pointless
I wanna say i can't believe the shit that you said
I wanna say i wish we could still be friends

but we can't.

and tell me.
tell me that i wasn't right.
tell me that i didn't have a point
tell me that what i said wasn't logical
tell me that it was irrational that i was angry.
tell me that i shouldn't be angry
tell me i shouldn't stand up for myself
tell me i shouldn't expect my friends to be on my side
tell me i shouldn't expect my best friend to understand me

explain your way out of it.

but you can't.

_

I remember.

I remember those nights
we talked and talked and talked
I killed zombies with plants
and listened to love the way you lie
I learnt all the lyrics to that song
and when i heard it on the radio, all i could picture were zombie heads falling off.
I remember those jars of nutella (6, to be exact)
and my row of spoons.
I drank mug after mug of tea
and i studied all through the night
but never seemed to get any work done.
I liked the feeling of the room dimly lit by my lamp (which was actually pretty bright)
and how i made sure i'd be listening to lady antabellum at quarter past one.
I remember our skype conversations
in which we talked about nothing
or sat in silence, doing our own things but hearing everyone's breathing.
 
And then. I remember when we stopped.
_

I know you don't read this

so hey, i can rage however much i want.
screw you.
screw you and your self righteousness
screw you and the extent of your fakeness
screw you and just everything
screw you for accusing me of attention seeking
screw you for accusing me of telling you what to do
screw you for thinking that you have bigger problems than mine
screw you for pretending to care
screw you for acting like you're the fucking centre of the universe
screw you for sulking when you're not given attention
screw you for your incessant complaing
and most of all, screw you for making me feel like an idiot.
screw you for wasting my time when i stood up for you, worried about you
screw you for making me think we were good friends.
OH AND SCREW YOU FOR TAKING THAT CONDECENDING, RESIGNED, I'MSOMUCHBETTERTHANYOU, IMBEINGMATUREEVENTHOUGHTHISPAINSME TONE.

So, i'd like to give an example of your idiocy
1. do you know how to proofread? cause i dont think you do. and you better learn.
2. maybe you should check the logic of your statements too. just maybe.
"i dont want you to keep displaying your emotions/talking about your problems ----> oh the other day when you were acting moody people asked what was wrong and you said 'nothing'. this seems like attention seeking"
WTF.
ARE YOU RETARDED??
pray tell, how does your logic work?
:3
UHM WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THEN.
i was so so so so so hurt.
and angry
and sad
and angry
and angry
and angry
oh and i almost forgot to mention angry
that i was shaking as i typed out my long rageful email reply
or maybe i was shaking from the cold.
i'm not sure.

erm. "you would be happy and comforted if anything got through"?
YEA NOTHING GOT THROUGH. and i dont care if you're miserable and (erm) discomforted(?) for the rest of your fucking life.
it's no longer any of my business.

yea "i do not want this but somehow i think it is necessary"
yea i think it's necessary that you gtfo of my life.

_

Lately.

I've been feeling strange.
Unhappy?
I don't know.
just strange.
like I'm really far away from everyone.
It's hard to explain...
I'm not being despressed.
Things are wrong. But not that wrong.
I feel like sometimes I look and someone and I think:
"I could never ever ever understand what it would be like to see through your eyes"
sometimes I think:
"Why can't you see what I see? Or.. is it that i'm missing something that you're seeing?"
other times i think:
"even if i could read your mind, i'd probably still be confused"

I feel like there's something between me and the rest of the world.
It's not numbness.
i guess a good metaphor would be.. a thick pane of glass?
I can't hear clearly or see clearly
I feel like... no matter how hard i press myself against the glass, I can't reach anyone.
I can tap on the glass and someone will look up, for a second.
But will lose interest when they realise they can't get to me.

I feel like, even if i'm sitting next to someone.. they're a million miles away from me.
like. i want to sit really close to make sure they're really there.
I feel like everyone's hearts are so far away from mine.
I feel like our thoughts are so far apart
I feel like our ideals are so far apart
so much so that we may as well be on either end of the planet.

I don't feel like i'm being left behind
or that
I'm leaving people behind.
it feels like...
that feeling you get when you stand when the sea meets the beach
and the tide comes in and then goes out
and the sand underneath your feet is being washed away.
and you feel like you're being pulled away from the beach, away from the world.

_

ugh

i'm pathetic.
so utterly
completely
undeniably

pathetic

_

I don't mind spending
everyday
out on your corner in the
pouring rain
look for the girl with the
broken smile
ask her if she wants to
stay ahwile

and she will be loved.

_

WHAT AM I DOING?? THIS ISN'T TUMBLR !!

so uhhh yea.. it's probabaly just that^
possibly
most likely
maybe.

_

I hate it

when people play the victim.

_

I suddenly feel stupid.

rofl.
i dont wanna take down the previous posts
but i suddenly feel stupid.
for having been emo

_

Oh sad mandopop song

that reminded me of you when i first heard it
that constantly reminds me of you when i hear it
that choked me up a little bit when i sang it at karaoke
i've listened to it so many times on repeat
that i've slowly started to feel nothing.

_

i hate you

like honestly.

_

It's okay.

you don't need me anyway

_

you said you were fine.
you said nothing was wrong.
you said you weren't angry.
you said you didn't feel like crying.
you said you'd be okay.
you said.

_

I found an old notebook...

When a coward cannot face his fears,
cannot prove he's not made of tears;
when there's nothing for which he can fight,
when he'd lost his hearing, given up his sight..
None will judge him here in the dark
where even the insignificant can make their mark.
Only the forgotten can be found here;
a safehouse from prying eyes and ears.
Alone in the silence by himself
is painful heaven, his beautiful hell.
If whether to save him was your call
would you grab hold of his hand.. or watch him fall?

lolll one or two people might actually remember this poem from approximately 2 years ago?

ehhhh... why did i ever think i could write?? TT"
_

I'm sick of this.

Sick of maybe.
Sick of being lost
Sick of being unsure.

I want certainty.
I want conviction
I want to wake up in the morning
and just KNOW
that I'm doing what I want to do
I'm where I want to be
I'm with who I want to be with.

why is that so hard?

_

i don't know what to do

tell me how to
act
react
interact

do I..
pretend or not pretend?

give me answers.

kthnxbai

_

overused "words" that my facebook feed and ic0 is full of

-skux
-tc
-csb
-sif

example sentences:

"why so skux for?"
"just too skux"
"what a skux"
"teach me your skux ways"
"____ skuxing all the girls/guys"

"tc. tc. tc. tc."
"hi tc" (wtf is that meant to mean?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)
"just tc"

"SEEEE ESS BEEEEE"

"siiiiiiiiiiiiiif"
"nah, sif oi!"
"sif man!"
-basically at the beginning of every sentence-

I'm not saying i don't use these "words"... i use "sif" A LOT, for example.
and it's funny teasing people aaout being "skux"
and saying "SEEE ES BEE !" to shut someone down is super fun.
but sometimes... i just wish i could go through a whole day without hearing them.
or even just a whole conversation.
sometimes it's like all i hear people say to each other is
"sup man sif not skux.. you're just tc aye"
=___=""

oh we're MASTERS of conversation.
rofl.
_

it just occurred to me today

that i made a wish a few weeks ago

AND IT RECENTLY CAME TRUE

so there.

shame people-who-mock-me-for-making-wishes-at-11:11
=]

Today... and by today i mean yesterday

I felt like a bitch.
I felt like being a bitch.
I seemed like a bitch.
I acted like a bitch.
In short,
I was a bitch.

I feel terrible.
And then again, I don't.
But then... that's not true.
I'm just trying to be self righteous about it.

I'm sorry.
I was just moody.
But.
Maybe it was that mood that allowed me to express everything i wanted to express.
I'm sick of trying.
I'm sick of pretending that i can put up with bullshit.
And yet, who am I to think that I should be allowed to act immature, to not compromise, to suddenly decide that i want to be someone different?
Who am i to decide suddenly that what i've been trying to protect all this time is no longer worth protecting?
Who am i to suddenly shatter everything that's been built?
Who am i to be so selfish?
And i have no right whatsoever to expect things from people.
I have no right to think in the way that i do.
I have no right to put pressure on people
I have no right to expect them to see things the way i do.
I have no right to inflict my standards upon them.
I have no right to demand something of the people around me.
And certainly no right to get mad if they don't act in the way i wish they would.

Who am i to say "oh i trusted you, I cared about you, I tried my best to understand you, I would never do that to you"?
Who am i to think ANYONE gives a damn?

I marvel at my ability to hurt.
How i can so casually wound someone.
How words can pierce. The pen is mightier than the sword, right? -smiles-
How easy it is for me to become the antagonist in the twisted plot of life.
And yet.
I'm not here, feeling sorry for myself.
I don't know, maybe i am.

And then, i marvel at how easy it is for people to feel sorry for themselves.
And how easy it is to make someone feel sorry for you.
how easy it is for someone to stop feeling sorry for you.
how easy it is to say "i'm sorry" and mean it, but make the same mistake again and agian.
how easy it is to understand someone's logic but disagree with them completely.
how easy it is to tell someone everything will work out, that everything will be okay.
How easily some things DO work out.
and then..
How easily things fall apart again straight after that.

_

Must stop

-listening to cheesy mandopop love songs.
-watching cute romance movies/dramas.
-reading love stories.
-listening to other people's cute love stories.
-reading victorian love poetry.

make me want to fall in love

wtf.
_

Am I allowed to miss you?

I miss hanging out
I miss chatting
I miss walking together in silence
I miss sitting together in silence
I miss laughing with you
I miss smiling at you
I miss that easy friendship

But maybe that friendship was never there anyway.
At least not in the way I thought.

_

gg.

nutella relapse.

_

Ever since I was little..

I've been good at arguing..

not debating. I sucked at it.
not banter. I'm not witty enough.
But arguing with people.
but anyway...
I used to win 80% of the arguments i got into.
simply because I actually listen when people are talking.
I remember every detail... because I actually care about what they're saying.
(not that i'm saying everytime i talk to someone, it'll ultimately lead to an argument, just that i remember what people say so AS A RESULT i have more ammunition if i DO get into an argument)
and I always thought people listened to me too.
But I eventually realised that I was wrong.
A lot of the time, people don't give a fuck about what you're saying because they're too busy thinking about the next thing they're gonna say, or how right they are as opposed to you, or how blue the sky is, or how pretty that chick over there is, or what they're gonna have for dinner.
I don't know.
But I learnt that this gave me an edge in arguments.
Because i could repeat word for word what they had said to me. And point out the flaws and/or how I'm right in relation to what they had said. I could actually logicall tear apart their arguments.
and unless they blatantly lie, they can't deny anything.
And because they weren't listening to me in the first place... that they can't come up with a rebuttal... so they give up.

But then, I grew up a little.. and decided i didn't have to argue all the time.
...that i could just be a pacifist.
because the frustration that comes with someone who has no idea what they're talking about and argues for the sake of arguing and comes up with stupid shit and expects me to believe it (as if they think I'm an idiot) really just makes me madder.
wait, i think the worst thing is the realisation that what I'd said didn't mean and probably never meant a thing to them.
Because obviously, they didn't care or hadn't cared enough to listen.

But also, i didn't want to be the bad guy anymore. Because I was more aggressive, because I stuck up for myself, because i was never the supposed 'victim; no one ever sympathised with me... Becasue I didn't need other people to protect me, things were always my fault.

So..
my arguing skills have dimished.
I'm VERY out of practise.
or maybe I'm just too lazy to argue now.
but.. i think.
maybe i should stop trying to be a pacifist because i'm clearly not one.
And some things are worth getting angry over. And arguing over.
but then.
i guess i'd have to get used to hearing "omg why's amy so rage"
ah, how i dread it.

_

Hey Amy!

Remember this?

http://kimi-ni-aitai.blogspot.com/2011/01/happy-new-year-exclamation-mark.html


you suck.

_

I put my faith in you

What a stupid thing to do.

I'm so disappointed.

Maybe I'm not the world's best friend.
Maybe I'm not always being as good a friend as I should be
But. I try. Really hard.
And everything I do.... it's because I actually think you're a good friend of mine. One of my best friends.
and yet, time and time again... you disapppoint me.

Maybe I'm overreacting.
But i don't think this is even about what happened...
more about your attitude.
Do you honestly think what you did wasn't even a little bit wrong?
Do you honestly not understand why I got mad?

I'm always on your side.
And i thought you'd be on mine.
I'm too stupid.
maybe.
and maybe i was stupid for thinking that i was different
and that you wouldn't use me to your advantage.
but you did.
you sold me out...
and for what exactly?
I don't even know...

I honestly... wonder why i ever bothered.
And maybe... i should stop bothering.

_

i never think before i act.

I always say:
"I didn't want this to happen!"
"I didn't mean for this to happen!"
"why did it turn out this way?'

well fuck you amy.
that's no excuse.

learn to think.

_

"If I were loved, as I desire to be"

If I were loved, as I desire to be,
What is there in the great sphere of the earth
And range of evil between death and birth,
That I should fear, - if I were loved by thee?

                                                              -Tennyson

It's funny.

i check my blog daily.
as if i'm hoping for new entries posted by me that i haven't read before.
but. there's never any.
haha...
i wonder why =__=""
mmm
I've been happy lately ^^
like, really happy.
it don't know if it's the weather, or if it's a change of attitude or whatever it is,
i'm happy.
And the reasons don't matter.

And no, i haven't ditched my blog for facebook.
and um.
yea, i have more stuff to say
but
didnt wanna sound emo cause i'd already said i was "really happy" earlier in this entry
haha~~

_

I hate you

you're selfish
you think the world revolves around you
you think your every whim is the most important thing in the world
you only think about your capacity to be hurt, never your ability to hurt
I'm sick of putting up with your shit.

I hate you
and I'd tell the whole world why...
if they'd believe me.

_

epiphany. (Rach, i still don't get why you think it sounds dirty.)

This trip to Taiwan, these three long months, have been so short. Before i know it, i'll be back in new zealand.
for awhile(sorry guys) i was so tempted to stay here, transfer my credits/points/grades whatever to a university here and do my final year in Taiwan.
But i realized, i cant run, i shouldn't run....
it's not my surroundings that should change.
It's me.

What happened to me over these 3 months? What caused this realization?

i'll tell you if you really wanna know....

i met a wise old man who told me a story of a world that'd been forgotten and gave me a magical  necklace that had the power to save the world and i found myself sucked into an alternate universe. So, because i had no choice i set out on a quest to ensure that the world would not fall to evil and on the way i met a knight who was looking for a beautiful princess to save and i told him to come with me first and i'd help him find a his princess afterwards. So he came with me on a quest to save the world from darkness and on the way we also met a teenageer who always felt he didnt fit in and also his loyal parrot what makes really dry jokes.We all argued a lot at first but we soon learned to trust and rely on each other and we each revealed something deep dark and secret about ourselves while sitting around a campfire. I realised i was the only one who could save the world but i cracked under the pressure and threw the magical necklace away and ran away but then my newfound friends found me and gave me courage again by telling me that they cared about me and believed in me. So we carried on with our quest and then we met some enemies but our bond and friendship gave us a special magic that conquered all evil. We finally saved the world and the magical necklace shattered into a million pieces. I felt that i didnt have much time left in the alternate universe because, i ultimately didnt belong there so i apologized to the knight and told him i was sorry i couldn't help him find his princess. "I did," he replied and reached out to hug me but at that moment i was sucked into a vortex and i found myself back in our universe as if i had never left. It left me with a feeling of heartache but also wonder and warmth and realised i was a stronger person because my friends would be somewhere out there watching over me, giving me strength and courage.

LOL
LIKE MY STORY??
there's adventure, friendship, romance, good conquering evil, all that good stuff.
the type of stuff that changes someone.
sorry. i'm just being stupid.
none of that stuff happened to me (NO KIDDING AMY)
What i was trying to emphasize with my "cliche-movie-which-probably-only-attracted-people's-attention-was-because-it-was-in-3D" story was that nothing amazingly drastic happened to me.
but i still like to think that i've changed.
even if it's not obvious, i hope it eventually will be.
I want to change if i haven't already.

I'm so glad i came back to taiwan.
I missed out on a lot back in nz.
but i also gained a lot.
of weight.
just kidding.. xP
I gained a lot of experience, a lot of knowledge about myself.
I got a chance to start over, be a different person in a different environment.
Then, i realized i didn't make full use of my chance.
But that doesn't matter.
Because it made me realize what kind of person i want to be
and well.
i wanna work hard towards that ^^

So if i'm slightly different when i get back, if you feel like i've changed, will you guys promise you'll give me chance?
and if i haven't, promise not to mock me about writing all this?
lol
i'm just being hopeful because i think this attitude/mindset shift was long overdue.
by about 2 years.

_

A me telling you about what i've been up to entry

So uh hey. long time no blog. you guys haven't had to put up with me for awhile...
so forgive me that this entry is really long.

So..  sunday.. had company employee dinner at six, had to get there by 4 to help set up and stuff so coulda slept in till like 1pm or something but didn't. Instead, got up at a reasonable hour, met some friends, played some pool and realized i've lost lots of skill points in this game lol.
Headed over to company event on my friend's motorbike and we got into a minor accident on the way...
got raged at by angry driver
friend hurt her foot so another one of my coworkers came and picked me up.
finally reached our destination. was late for dress rehearsal for our performance but all good, we'd practiced it all before...
Event started, listened to some boring speeches made by our CEO, some education people, some school's principal, some random politician and we cheered and clapped, did some repetitive shouting.
(NB I work at a cram school which is like tutoring school times a million. lol. it's a bigger company/organization that you'd imagine. there can be over a hundred students in each class, for example).
Then we performed (it's funny when you spend so many weeks practicing and practicing something but when you finally perform it, it's over before you know it.)

Sat down to eat and watched performances by the other zones. Our company is pretty big and has a school/department in 5 different areas of Taipei. These performances are a competition between the zones.
Realized that our performance got owned by all the others'. They all had hot girls and hot guys doing these pro hip hop popping locking blah blah breakdancing step up 2-esque routines. (omg especially the girls TT"" hot girls wearing huge white shirt so they have something to take off during the dance to reveal short tank tops or hot girls wearing ripped tops and they were all wearing hot pants.)
HOW COULD WE COMPETE WITH THAT.
we did an easy/silly/cute dance routine and then sang an old song.... WE WERE GOING FOR CUTE and HEARTWARMING... i actually liked it..
but heatwarming v.s sexy?
sex always wins.

SO yea, ate some average food and drank some average wine. Downed a full wine glass of whiskey... Oh yeah, that's right, i'm all class. Cheered and yelled and chanted a bit more and raised our glasses to our CEO and everyone higher up in the company hierachy... which is like, everyone pretty much. we are the lowest ones...
lol.
So a bunch of us waited till our boss was tipsy and we all went and drank to him saying how grateful we were to him and blah blah and that we didnt want him to give us a raise or him to give us bonuses... just could he please shout us karaoke after dinner?
There were like.... over 10 of us... felt so bad for him lol.. but he finally agreed.
so we all headed to ximending a really busy part of taipei dominated mostly by young people. so awesome...
shopping there is like... omggg.... so awesome.
AND GUESS WHO I SAW THERE SARAH !!
羅志祥 signing posters!!
omggggg hahahahhaaa so happy.
he's a famous taiwanese singer.. for those of you who don't know.
and he's super hot.. well in my opinion. yes i have a HUGE fangirl crush on him.
was worth standing in the cold...
actually not really.
IT WAS FRICKIN FREEZING. and i was wearing shorts and pantyhose (performance dress code)
pantyhose are like a million times thinner than stockings or tights. omggggggg i felt like my legs we frozen.
FUCK it was SO cold. i still can't forget the feeling even now.

SO we started singing at 11 and sang for the next 7 hours. Yes, SEVEN.
it was awesome. like actually so awesome. i've always wanted to sing k the whole night. my wish has finally been fulfilled lol.
and some of the guys were so REALLY good singers... like super pro i-can-hit-really-high-notes-without-falsetto. or even much effort, really.
and one of the guys sounded exactly like 蕭敬騰 (another famous taiwanese singer) when he sings...
i was like "...autograph please" lol
by the time morning came around we were all losing our voices but we just kept singing louder and harder and laughed at the people whose voices broke.
hehe~ had so much fun.

got home at 7 am. showered, slept for 3 hours, went to work and just got home and hour ago.
i feel like a young person again!!
^^;;;;;;

CHINESE NEW YEAR IN A COUPLE OF DAYS !!
get a week off ! yusss so happy =]

gonna get fat over this coming week...
but i dont care cause the food is just too good during new years to even consider not eating lots. lol.
okay, i'll let you go now.
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i'm in a good mood, can you tell?

i wanted to add photos but didnt know where to place them. will upload onto facebook. yes i have facebook again. i know, no morals right?

byeeeeeeeeeeee

thought. will no one read my blogs anymore now that i'm on fb again?

_

Happy New Year exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark one one one one one

Happy happy happy 2011 everyone ^^

it's finally a new year !!
the start of a new decade.

New Years Resolution:

Don't fuck up.



.....easy right?
_